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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 13:10

So he is financially abusive, always have been but you opted to give up your full time job?

The tone of this thread has changed a lot from the start. It began with he should be supporting his family because it's his responsibility, whatever hours I choose to work to he wont share anything even if I worked FT.

I'm sure OP posted before and she then acknowledged she was only taking very PT jobs because she didn't really want to work but be there for her child even though her OH wasn't happy with that decision. I think what is shared here is very selective.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 13:13

zsazsajuju

The only way she would get any help towards childcare is by getting a divorce.

Add on CM then Moomin would definitely be better off divorcing.

Remember it isn’t just the financials it the constant whinging about everything he has done

Does moomin tell dh everyday that she has looked after his child, she has washed his clothing, she has hoovered the house she has cooked him dinner.

Or is that women’s work so isn’t worth mentioning.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 13:15

@dontdisturbmenow I haven't posted about this before? My issue is he's complaining about having to financially support his family when I'm unable to contribute. If the roles were reversed I would happily pay all of the bills and not moan about it. I certainly wouldn't keep hundreds of pounds to myself every month either and let him go without

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 13:18

You are missing the point dontdisturbmenow

When moomin says he doesn’t share anything even if she worked ft that means he expects her to pay 50% of the household bills + 100% of the childcare + get herself to and from work and cook, clean and do everything when she gets home.

A it can’t be done on a retail minimum wage and
B why shouldn’t he share his salary. They are after all married

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 13:18

Whether I work full time or part time is irrelevant. All he's bothered about is that I pay 50% of the bills like I used to before we had our son. He doesn't care how much I earn or what I have left for myself as long he only has to pay half of everything.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/04/2020 13:20

My issue is he's complaining about having to financially support his family

Shouldn't have had a family, should he?

He doesn't get to choose here - he chose to marry, chose to have DC, he now is obligated to support that family and if he thinks you need to find work, point out to him that he's currently financially abusing you and that the laws in the UK take a fucking dim view of that.

madcatladyforever · 09/04/2020 13:20

That's disgusting Moominmama I would not be able to touch him any more he would disgust me. And in the coronavirus crisis too.
You have born and brought up his child which is a job.
If this was me I'd be serving him with divorce papers and quoting financial abuse as the reason for the divorce.
You surely cannot stay with this man?

madcatladyforever · 09/04/2020 13:22

You don't need money to start a divorce, you can download the documents, serve him with papers and send the rest off to the court.

thequeenbeyondthewall · 09/04/2020 13:25

What are you gaining from this relationship OP?

Unless he is self employed You should get reasonable Maintenence from the CMS.

I'd at least speak to a solicitor to see where you stand.

RowenaRavenclawTheSecond · 09/04/2020 13:30

OP this has actually made me feel so upset. He is supposed to love you, yet he sees it as 'not his problem' if you don't have money after paying the bills? He sounds so heartless. Please leave him. I know it's easier said than done but this is a massive, massive issue. It sounds like he just doesn't give a toss.

champagneandfromage50 · 09/04/2020 13:31

Will your DH pay for half the childcare too?

I wouldn't be having any more DC with the man. Sounds like you would be better off on your own with your DS. Probably find a job and Uc and maintenance will leave you better off .

MellowBird85 · 09/04/2020 13:33

What a bastard. Divorce him and claim CMS.

dottiedodah · 09/04/2020 13:34

I think he is being unreasonable here ,but also £150.00 P/M isnt a huge amount either TBH! Maybe look around for a job after Corona and that way you will have some independence! Was he keen on you being at home ? I see that you are looking after his home and family .The problem is that many women today are at work and looking after DC as well!

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 13:45

.“The problem is that many women today are at work and looking after DC as well!”

God this place pisses me off sometimes.

What is the relevance of that comment. Talk about kicking someone when she’s down.

Yes many women work. How very perceptive. Have a medal.

The thread is about an abusive husband. Slight difference.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 13:49

dottiedodah Moomin is only at home because of the Corona virus she was made redundant.

She was always working, or looking for work when things have not planned out.

I am presuming because it is the retail sector there have been a lot of redundancies because of stores going under or in financial difficulties over the last few years so I can understand that things haven’t been exactly smooth sailing on the job front.

I don’t think there has been any suggestion that op has ever considered herself as a ft SAHM in the last 3 years at least

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 13:56

If you have a husband who is happy to share his genes with you to produce a child, but yet sees no need to share his bank account with his family Shock - seriously, what is the point? How can you reason with this? It’s beyond reason. There’s no point getting into who earns what, and when and how many hours. The whole basis if the relationship is bollocks. You just kill yourself with “discussions” about what should be blatantly obvious. Why reduce yourself to this level? Why do people make excuses for these men? Urggh. Just leave them to it. If my DH told me he’d bought “me” a boiler, he’d be wearing it over his head. How can you even engage with this?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/04/2020 13:57

OP I feel heart sorry for your situation... I agree with most on here.. you would be much better off as an actual single Mother. Flowers

FabbyChix · 09/04/2020 14:10

I’d leave him sorry. You’d be better off on universal credit and him
Paying maintenance

Lillygolightly · 09/04/2020 14:16

He doesn't care how much I earn or what I have left for myself as long he only has to pay half of everything

Tell him you can divorce and he can give you half of everything if that’s his attitude.

If he is going by the logic of half:

Half the domestic chores are his
Half the childcare costs are his
He can half his free time to share
He can carry half the childcare duties
Half of all childcare/school pick ups/drops are his.

If he is so concerned about being financially equal in terms of contributing, he has to be prepared to be on equal domestic and childcare footings as well, otherwise it just isn’t fair! If he can’t be fair or be prepared to meet these reasonable terms then he must be prepared to accept divorce, though I suspect he won’t want that as that means handing over money which we all know by now he HATES because it’s all his regardless!

Kennebunkport · 09/04/2020 14:24

OP I really feel for you and agree with other pp that when you are in a stronger position, you should leave. I never say that because for most people it isn't that simple, but the crux of this problem is that he doesn't respect you and if there is no respect, there is no relationship.

He doesn't respect your non-financial contributions, which enable him to work and live his life. He doesn't seem to want a family, just someone paying 50:50. Did he want children? Why does he take no responsibility for his DC? I can't imagine how you could have any feelings for him at this point, but if you want to salvage anything you need a serious conversation about finances, responsibilities, what you do contribute etc. If this is his permanent stance, then it's time to plan your exit strategy.

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/04/2020 14:40

His behaviour is not normal
Even couples who do maintain separate Accounts have a joint one for bills etc. We’ve always put all our money together & although I tease my H for being tight it would never occur to him to treat me in such an economically abusive manner
I couldn’t live in a relationship where I was treated as a child and not an equal
His mentality is not one that can sustain a happy healthy marriage

SimonJT · 09/04/2020 14:54

50/50 makes no sense unless a couple earn a very similar amount.

Before you were made redundant you should have both been paying the same proportion of your earnings towards bills, not the same percentage.

If one loses their job of course the others earnings should cover everything until the other person is earning. If he lost his job would he continue paying for 50% of everything?

billy1966 · 09/04/2020 15:01

OP, don't waste your breath trying to explain to your husband's ghastly apologists on here.

Can you back up and leave?
Have you family that would help?

Absolutely nothing to be gained staying any longer with the piece of muck you married.

He's a Class A prick. And mean to boot.

You are wasting your time trying to make him a decent person.

Get out and tell everybody ye both know that he has refused to support his child and has emotionally and financially abused you since ye had a child.

He is a sorry excuse for a man.

Get out.
Get divorced.
Get on with your life.

You deserve so much better.

He won't change.

He's the dregs.

Flowers
ReturnofSaturn · 09/04/2020 15:09

Seriously OP, why don't you just leave him?

You'd be so much better off, financially.

I'd bet my hat you will be a lot happier too.

zsazsajuju · 09/04/2020 15:12

@Oliversmumsarmy - she is unlikely to be better off financially once divorced unless she gets a job. That’s the reality of the situation. He will be very unlikely to be ordered to pay half the childcare - more likely she will just get CMS maintenance for her son which would be a few hundred pounds a month unless he is a high earner (which the information so far would indicate he is not). Op would therefore have to pay her mortgage and support herself on that plus universal credit (which won’t pay for a mortgage) unless she can get a job.

There are no easy answers here and divorce will not be an easy option for op. It may greatly improve her life psychologically but unlikely to make her financially better off.