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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
SwanneeKazoo · 09/04/2020 12:00

I can't believe some (a shockingly large number) of the replies on this thread. Do people really think like this - no nuance, very black and white, no understanding that individuals' circumstances are different? I'm really hoping that the posters hectoring the op to get a job (do you think she hasn't thought of that?), saying she's a fanny-lodger, accusing her of financial abuse (wtaf??) are a minority, otherwise society is well and truly screwed.

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 12:01

Moomin - can you really imagine being made to feel like this for the rest of your life? Bloody hell.

As PP have said, if you leave him, you’ll be entitled to half the equity in the house and he will have to pay CM. I’m sure it feels scary and I would never say this lightly, but really, what’s the alternative here? Even if it is a struggle financially, at least you’ll have your self-respect and you’ll be free from him trying to undermine you constantly. He will chip away at your mental health until you’re a she’ll of your former self.

Your DC will see this and it will have a lifetime impact.

Imagine when you’re in your 60s. He’ll probably have you living on bread and water and be constantly telling you how you should feel so grateful because he’s been the higher earner through the years.

OR.., you can live your own life - be free.

Maybe one day you’ll meet a real man who respects you.

I’m truly sorry you’re in this situation.

HugeAckmansWife · 09/04/2020 12:02

To those saying the op is U, it really is clear that you are not reading the detail of all her posts. She has clearly stated more than once that her dh would not contribute to childcare bills if she worked full time, so that would fall on her, plus 50% of bills plus any expenses related to THEIR child. Plus it sounds like she would still be expected to do all the domestic front and sick days, inset days etc. Under those conditions it would be senseless for her to seek full-time work. They are not flatmates, as a team they need to run the home, provide the childcare and pay bills. Each task doesn't have to be dealt with 50/50 exactly but the whole lot needs to be covered one way or another. The trouble is that the OPs husband, and seemingly some posters on here dont value any contribution other than financial.

Oldbutstillgotit · 09/04/2020 12:10

To those people saying that OP’s DH would have to pay childcare 50/50 what do you do if he flatly refuses ? How do you make him do childcare or housework ?
I have written before about my God Daughter who is in a very similar situation. . She earns much less than her H but has to pay 50% of bills plus childcare as he flatly refuses to contribute. He has never changed a nappy , got up during the night etc etc . He has also never ironed a shirt or any other household chores .
Yes she should leave ( as should you) but it isn’t always that easy .

HugeAckmansWife · 09/04/2020 12:18

Well leaving is the only option isn't it. No its not easy.. In some ways it's easier if you get left, like I was, because then you have no choice. Had my ex not left for ow but been an abusive twat I would have looked at the finances and thought there was no way I could manage alone (and I work ft) but given no choice, I had to and did make it work. If the op exs won't change, she should quietly research what she'd be entitled to, seek a decent job and leave when she has everything lined up.

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2020 12:20

I agree @Moominmama79 read SunshineCake

He seems to want you to do all the childcare and housework 100% and contribute up to 50% how on earth is that fair

Can you speak to him about any of this and communicate because this is vital and key as to whether this is salvagable. Quite a few posts like this do end well but quite a lot dont

Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 12:28

To those people saying that OP’s DH would have to pay childcare 50/50 what do you do if he flatly refuses ? How do you make him do childcare or housework ?

Then she should leave. What’s the alternative? He’s not going to change his mind is he.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 12:29

@Quartz2208 I've tried talking to him several times about it but he's very set in his mind that he shouldn't have to pay the bills, or a larger proportion of them when I was contributing. When I did pay my share it was never enough, he insists that we both pay equal even though I wasn't earning what he does. When I used to pay I'd explain how I didn't think it was fair that after paying bills he'd have a lot more money left over from his wage for himself and I'd have nothing. He'd say that's not his problem. I once asked if he would buy me a winter coat one year as the one I had was no good and he refused saying he pays for everything for me already. When I asked what he meant by 'everything' he said food and bills and he reminded me that he'd just paid for a new boiler for me too. Oh well that's ok then, I'll just wear the boiler when I go out to keep me warm and dry 👍🏼

OP posts:
lola006 · 09/04/2020 12:32

So is everything who thinks the OP is a ‘fanny-lodger’ working full time, doing 100% for their DC and 100% of the housework? Your DH’s are paying 50% of the bills and that’s it? And you’re happy about that?

lovepickledlimes · 09/04/2020 12:41

@sageandroses that's exactly what me and fiancé do. Mind you at 150 pounds a month wage for OP and him still having 800 left all for himself it might be better if they pulled all the money in together and then split it 50/50 for personal use once bills are paid

pltzsgrrb · 09/04/2020 12:47

OP you would be better off in every single way possible being a single mum than you are right now.

Please consider reaching out to Women's Aid or your local DV organisation. This is financial and emotional abuse.

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 12:47

How have you coped for so long OP?

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 12:48

@lovepickledlimes I've suggested this before but he refuses saying his wage is his money and won't share it

OP posts:
Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 12:48

Op just leave him then. You obviously aren’t very compatible and you don’t sound very happy so just leave.

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2020 12:48

No he would have to pay 50/50 for childcare too whether that’s after school or in the holidays.

And who's going to make him?

Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 12:50

See my post above.

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2020 12:51

Mind you at 150 pounds a month wage for OP and him still having 800 left all for himself it might be better if they pulled all the money in together and then split it 50/50 for personal use once bills are paid

BUT THERE IS NO WAY HE'S GOING TO DO THAT!

What's hers is his and what's his is his own.

The only way for the OP to have a decent life is to leave. She'll be far better off in every way.

malificent7 · 09/04/2020 12:53

He's abusive. Can u contact women's aid?

lovepickledlimes · 09/04/2020 12:55

@Nanny0gg it does very much seem that way :(

@Moominmama79 I am sorry that things have been this hard for you.

Sooverthemill · 09/04/2020 12:57

It's too late obviously but it is constantly a surprise to me that people marry before they have discovered each other's attitudes to money. In my book, all money earned by the couple is joint. So he earns more than you but it's joint, you earn less but it's joint. So you pool it all and allocate money to your essential expenses eg mortgage, child Care, gas, food etc. Then you get what's left over for savings and fun. The attitude displayed by your DH is abusive and controlling. My Dsis was in a similar situation and when she finally separated she was amazed at how much money she had now he had to pay 50/50 by the court. Can you get help by phone even during the lockdown? Obviously LTB but not sure how you do this at the moment?

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 13:02

When you go back to ft work, you'll have plenty of disposable income for you to do what you want with

So 40 hours at minimum wage paying £5 per hour wrap around childcare from 7.30-9am and after school from 3.30pm-7pm
Working in retail I am assuming shops shut at 6pm and you have to be there by 8am and have to have cover at weekends as dad doesn’t want to know.

Then you have holiday cover. Another 7.30am -6-30pm full days childcare

Even if travel to and from work is only £5 per day
and then 50% of the mortgage, council tax etc etc

Where is this disposable income supposed to come from.

zsazsajuju · 09/04/2020 13:04

I think you can either leave, or get a job (in time) and deduct his half of childcare etc from your contribution to the household. There’s not much else you can do. If you do split and have a mortgage, you will need to get a job or move to rented. You will be very unlikely to get spousal maintenance and uc doesn’t pay for mortgages.

It’s unlikely you will be better off post divorce (although he won’t be either). Nor will he have to pay for half of childcare post split (child maintenance is a derisory amount, especially for lower earners and that’s if you get any at all).

He should be paying for his son and doing his share of the household work. It’s fair for him to ask you to contribute financially though and it doesn’t seem like you have been doing that for some time.

Lillygolightly · 09/04/2020 13:04

Some posters reactions on this thread are absolutely shocking!!!

So the DH here gets to have all the wonderful benefits of having a child and a family, his wife taking care of his DS while he works, his home cared for while he works/goes out etc he doesn’t have to pay any childcare bills, doesn’t have to take time off work when his child is sick, and other than paying for bills, bills he would have to pay for anyway even if he didn’t have a wife and child (other than perhaps cheaper living accommodation). Sounds like he’s got a great deal.

Poor DW or OP gets to have all the lovely benefits of having a lovely DC who she cares for, a house to look after, and husband for whom she bore a child and facilitates her DH career and life by taking care of that child and the home. If she is to work childcare costs are hers alone, is she or his done need something again that cost is expected to be hers alone. Tell me where are her benefits?? I don’t see it!! She would be better off ditching her husband because actually he is of little use to her at all!!!

lborgia · 09/04/2020 13:06

And that's the real issue then. He does NOTHING towards the care, organisation, or any kind of task that implies teamwork. OP has worked full time, part time, hardly at all... in all that time his position (not lifting a finger at home (has not changed).

All those wretched people saying you need to go back to work, are completely ignoring his overall behaviour.

I despair.

madcatladyforever · 09/04/2020 13:08

He is a piece of shit. If you are married you support each other.

I'm divorced for other reasons but when one of us couldn't work for whatever reason the other one would provide the cash.

Otherwise what is the point of being married? I'd tell him sex is no longer free.