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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 11:12

@dontdisturbmenow except I wouldn't have a disposable income because I would still be paying for the childcare myself. What happens in school holidays when he'd need full time childcare? That would be my wage gone. My 4 hour job was only recently. Before that I worked 16-20 whilst our son was at school and contributed what I could financially. My husband wants to split the bills 50/50. If I worked full time and did that plus paid for childcare on top of that I wouldn't be left with much. Would he then be willing to help me out if I needed anything for myself? No, he wouldn't. If it was the other way around I wouldn't see him go without.

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 09/04/2020 11:12

He is financially abusive, a marriage is a partnership and resources should be shared. He is also showing contempt for your contribution of looking after DC, it would make his work harder if he had to do school pick ups, holiday care etc.
It sounds like you are financially reliant on him when this is over i would look for other jobs/ retrain to increase job prospects and gain independence.
Tbh i would also look long and hard if i wanted to stay with this man, it might be worth talking to a solicitor, you may end up better off if you divorced, you would be entitled to at least 50% of any assets and maybe more as you are the main child carer.he would also have to pay maintenance, i think he'd think divorce a lot more expensive!

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 11:14

Moominmama79

You would be better off financially and be a lot happier without this guy in your life.

Does he make you think that your earnings are so low that you couldn’t manage without him,

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 11:18

Even when the DC are in primary school, you still have to be mobilised by 3 ish to get there for 3.30 pick up. Yes I’m sure my DH’s career wouldn’t have suffered at all if he’d had to leave work in the middle of the afternoon Confused Or, “Sorry DH, no you can’t be off to China the day after tomorrow, you need to be at the school twice a day...”

The point is, even if Moomin was working full-time, it sounds like she STILL would have been the lower earner and this tosser if an H STILL would have been quite happy sailing through life making her feel like the poor relation.

This is the issue - HIS MENTALITY. Who works what hours are neither here nor there because this is a marriage with a financially abusive man.

Give me strength!

And it’s irrelevant that some women are single mums etc etc. The OP is not. This is the whole point.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 11:18

That's the discussion you need to have with him. You work ft, you add the cost of all the bills, then divide what's left in two so you are both left with the same disposable income. You then decide who pays what bill so that you are left with the same amount.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 11:18

@Oliversmumsarmy yes he does that. He's said before that I would never leave him because I could never afford to live financially without him

OP posts:
Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 11:20

No he would have to pay 50/50 for childcare too whether that’s after school or in the holidays. This is the proposal you need to put forth. Plus he has to help with the household tasks. If he doesn’t agree then y u know what to do.

Knittingnanny · 09/04/2020 11:21

I feel so sorry for you. Nearly 40 years ago I was married to a pillar of the local church, I had 2 young children with him and had no idea there was such a thing as financial and emotional abuse. Only since joining Mumsnet when I first became a grandparent did it dawn on me that it was exactly that.
No access to money. Kept short and had to rely on what my parents could lend me. Absolute refusal to discuss money with me whilst I know he had various expensive club memberships.
It took me 4 years to plot an escape from this “ highly respected Christian” who claimed I wouldn’t get custody of my children. ( I did of course as he didn’t follow through any of his many veiled threats)
Your husband won’t change as he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong.
Please get out and enjoy your life with your son.

Fivefourthree · 09/04/2020 11:22

I haven't read full thread, sorry, but this is financial abuse and you need to speak to a solicitor. If you're in UK I believe you can get a free half hour appointment. On phone/video at min obviously

Justjoshin22 · 09/04/2020 11:29

You are not the only woman who works full time and has no other support with childcare.

The point is that when you’re married and in a PARTNERSHIP you should have support with childcare. It’s not like you magicked your son up yourself.

However, it is true that lots of single parents do work full time and juggle childcare and that might be a decent option for you, OP. Especially now your son is at school. Your husband would need to pay maintenance and you would need to work more than you have previously, but it could well give you independence you don’t currently have, control over your own finances and hopefully set yourself up for older age. Also at least you won’t have to clean up after another adult constantly.

Totally bamboozled by some of these comments. OPs husband has £800 a month to himself after bills. She does ALL of the childcare and domestic work, is happy to get a job but currently does not. This situation doesn’t put financial pressure on her Family because of her husbands salary, but despite this she has no money to spend as she chooses and SHE is being unreasonable to expect him to help ensure they have shared lifestyle?

Bottom line, OP, none of us are in your marriage so you need to work this out yourself, but it does sound like an extremely odd situation and not one many would put up with.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 11:29

Moominmama79

Don’t believe him.

Do you own or rent?

You could end up with half the equity of the house to start again.

If you divorced even with UC, housing benefit, (if you rented) CM etc you would be so much better off.

You would probably find you could work ft and be a lot more upbeat about it all.

Atm I think he is sucking the life out of you.

In your current situation even if you did work ft it would probably make you worse off financially, physically and mentally

MrsJoshNavidi · 09/04/2020 11:33

He's an idiot. But on the other hand I have always worked, through both DCs' childhoods, because I wanted to contribute equally to the family and not be reliant on anyone else to feed, house and clothe me.

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 11:33

Moomin - even if you did find a miracle job that enabled you to earn the same or more then him, he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He would hate to lose his control. He would make you feel guilty about being a bad mother, “not being there” etc. Maybe he’d want another baby at this point.

I think you know this.

This mentality that your H has is deeply troubling and unpleasant. It’s all about his insecurity and need to control. If he’s reached adulthood and this is how he is, he’s unlikely to change.

It suited him that you were SAH or working PT when your DC was little. Now it suits him to hold it against you.

Pathetic man.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 11:35

@Oliversmumsarmy we own the house, it's a joint mortgage

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 11:39

You would have the equity in that to go somewhere to starting again.

I think he could be in for a huge shock if you divorced him.

rainbow1982 · 09/04/2020 11:43

This sounds hellish and I genuinely feel for you, do you want to be with him? He sounds absolutely horrific, why on earth does he want you to be so miserable? He has complete and utter control over you, it's really sad. For those saying you should contribute more are just talking crap. You clearly have worked and faced redundancy etc so the money should be shared.

It's not just the money (even though that would be a dealbreaker for me) his days off are HIS and he doesn't do anything with u or to help? Please please try and get out, I've never ever said this to anyone on here before but this is really sad and u need to escape him

SunshineCake · 09/04/2020 11:46

Bloody hell. I've been at home since pregnant with my first child born in 2001. We have three teenagers. I have done two lots of paid work in that time. I was for the company dh worked for and they paid me proper money which dh insisted was for me. I think I bought a treat with half and the other went in housekeeping.

Fuck this I should be contributing financially. I've been at home with our children doing 99% of school runs, appointments, clothes and shoes shopping, food shopping and cooking etc etc. That IS my financial contribution as dh would have had to pay out for a lot of that if I'd have been working in my previous job. He's got where he is, high up, because I sacrificed my career and that IS my contribution.

Shame on all of you for not valuing sahm. The ops h is clearly an arse as he isn't valuing what she does at all, isn't a team as doesn't think she deserves her own allowance, new clothes etc.

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2020 11:48

@Moominmama79 of course you couldnt do it without him but you would not have to do it. Childcare would be 50/50 he would need to pay maintenance and you jointly own the home - how much equity is there in that

Please get some proper advice when you can because I think he has spun you are story.

Does he do much to help or housework?

SunshineCake · 09/04/2020 11:49

Shame on you all who doesn't value...... Clearly some of you get it.

Northernsoulgirl45 · 09/04/2020 11:50

Yep yanbu op.

Fivefourthree · 09/04/2020 11:52

@SunshineCake well said!

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 11:54

@Quartz2208 all housework and any childcare, school runs etc is done by me. Even when he is home I do it because he won't

OP posts:
Justjoshin22 · 09/04/2020 11:55

@SunshineCake yes. Well said. I think some of the posters on this thread should read, and reread your post.

sageandroses · 09/04/2020 11:55

I don't really know what to say that hasn't been said already, but wanted to say this:

Surely splitting 50/50 when two people are on differing salaries is wrong?

Why don't people pay an amount proportionate to their monthly salary?

There is a calculator here: www.countcalculate.com/private-and-home-economics/split-payment-according-to-income

It is in USD but it doesn't really matter because you're just putting numbers in if you see what I mean?

Scrumbleton · 09/04/2020 11:57

Total Dick