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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband not happy with money situation

999 replies

Moominmama79 · 08/04/2020 22:20

AIBU to 'expect' my husband to pay for things? He works full time and earns a good wage. He can easily afford to pay the mortgage and bills and still have plenty left over for us to treat ourselves. I'm currently not working, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I was previously working part time as we have a son and I work my job around school times so I can look after him. My husband isn't happy that I don't make any contribution towards the bills. I could never afford to on my part time wage and saw what little I earned as money for me if I needed anything. My husband doesn't give me money for anything and I don't have access to his money so when I was working my money was mine and he paid the bills and shopping etc. He's always complaining about how he pays for 'everything' and how I 'expect everything for free'. The way I see it is he's supporting his family. I'm not getting things 'for free', I'm his wife not a lodger. Whenever I try to explain this to him he disagrees massively and says I should be contributing financially. I don't know how he expects me to when I'm not even working. I've been out of work a few times before and he's never given me any kind of allowance or anything, I've just had no income for myself and gone without if I've ever needed anything. He treats himself often, new clothes, days and nights out with his friends whereas I can't afford to do things like that myself. If I need new clothes, I go without. If he's working, me and my son stay home as I can't afford to take him out for the day or anything. I don't understand how he thinks this is the right way to do things. He says I ask for too much and always want money for things. The only time I ask him for money is if we need something for the house. Our TV recently broke and he bought another one but constantly reminds me that he bought 'me' a new TV. He does this with anything he buys for the house. He bought 'me' a new kitchen, he bought 'me' new carpets for the upstairs, oh and a new boiler when it packed up. Please tell me I'm not wrong

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 10:29

How if the longer hours means more childcare
And? She works PT, all bills are then shared so they are left with the same disposable income.

It sounds like his issue is not with wanting to share but OP's expectation that he should support the family, plus share half his disposable income whilst she just take a few hours of work leaving her with plenty of free time for herself.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 10:32

@Cosima1, or I consider myself as capable as men to support my family and don't vow to double standards of expecting to be treated the same as them when it suits but then expect to be looked after them because I can't.

My grand mother, mother and myself have worked ft whilst raising children successfully. I expect to be treated the same as men in every way but also expect to take on the same responsibilities.

Strugglingtodomybest · 09/04/2020 10:33

I don't think I've ever read such a clear cut example of financial abuse.

Would all the women on here be prepared to do that for their part time earning husband?

Yes, because I love him and we're a team.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 10:35

If my OH had said to me when the kids were at school that he wanted to work PT whilst I continued to work FT but also pay for his luxuries, I would have said no. We both work FT, both PT or the one to work PT accept they get less

Are you saying that even though he would be paying all of the childcare and 50% of the household bills, getting himself to and from work etc You would begrudge him a “luxury” like deodorant whilst you are going on nights out and buying clothes and make up etc and listing every night how generous you are in buying him a new kitchen?

It isn’t as black and white of both working FT or PT.
What happens to children in this equation?

What happens if one of you out earns the other

What happens if one of you were made redundant?

In this case the original agreement of op going pt and paying 50% of the house hold bills and 100% of any childcare or anything to do with their dc was never a realistic route.

The higher earner was left with the least amount of monthly bills and the least amount of household work and you have someone struggling in minimum wage jobs trying to keep up with everything

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 10:39

What you seem to be missing dontdisturb, is -

a) not everyone is you, or your grandmother or mother

b) the fact is, whenever children come along, it is usually the woman’s earning potential that is affected.

c) things will only be “equal” when men can have babies and breastfeed - ie never

d) most women wouldn’t dream of being with a man who even had a concept of “his” money, or “treating her to luxuries” or whatever you want to call it. This is absolute bollocks.

Smiliestar87 · 09/04/2020 10:41

@Moominmama79 I'm so sorry for your situation.

Do you have access to any marriage support? You aren't working as a team and, more alarmingly, I don't think he has ever viewed the marriage as true partnership.

My family had a similar situation growing up - dad working full time, mum at home until I was 7 on a basis 'allowance' that my dad would give her. Once both me and my younger brother were at school, mum managed to work 2 days a week with us going to a friend's house on those 2 days for free. The trade off was my mum looked after their kids when they needed it. Honestly it worked really well for over 5 years and I'm still good mates with the other family. Maybe something to consider? I think they arranged it through the primary school newsletter.

copycopypaste · 09/04/2020 10:41

@Oliversmumsarmy you'll see further down my post that I also put her dh needs to step up and take responsibility for childcare, housework etc if she went back to work and did more hours than she currently is/was.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 10:45

How if the longer hours means more childcare

And? She works PT, all bills are then shared so they are left with the same disposable income

But that isn’t how it works in their household.

You have a guy who has an £800 per month disposable income who is expecting his recently made redundant wife to pay 50% of the household bills and berating her because she isn’t working (through no fault of her own) and wasn’t paying 50% of the childcare when she was working.

Are you expecting this person to suddenly say we will have a joint account and I will pay my share of everything and we can take equal monies out for our own personal use.

Are you really expecting this guy to see the error of his ways and have a complete personality transplant?

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 10:45

And what you seem to be missing us that men have a right to a say and to wish their wives to work ft to maximise the household income.

They have one child and the child is at school ft, there are no reasons why OP can't look for ft work.

I actually think OP has already posted here before about this issue many similarities and that posters admitted they just didn't want to work ft as enjoyed their life with the very few hours they were working.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 09/04/2020 10:46

Yes, this is financial abuse. We have a joint account and no distinction is made about who earns more. All bills come out of the joint account. Savings are ours, even ISAs because we are a family unit.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 10:48

copycopypaste

The same sort of thing re my post above

Do you honestly think this guy would actually step up and do his fair share when he sees his wife and son as a burden and not as a family unit

Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 10:49

Please stop saying this is financial abuse, it’s not. Wanting your wife to work is not financial abuse it’s not wanting to support another person when their child is full time at school. And nobody works 4 hours in retail to get their foot in the door that is ridiculous. All those egging the op on should consider that there’s a good chance her marriage will end if she continues to be obtuse.

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 10:50

don’tdisturb - the OP has recently lost her job due to the virus. Schools are closed until September. Where is she miraculously going to find this “full time job” now, in the midst of lockdown fgs? And who will be looking after her child - the bloody fairies?

Stop pandering to pathetic men and excusing abuse. Enough already! As if anyone would live like this for one second.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 10:54

Of course the current situation is different, but then he is paying the bills and there aren't much luxuries to be spent anyway.

It does sound though that the issue is not new but been going on since OP has started to work under 20 hours a week.

Noconceptofnormal · 09/04/2020 10:58

Of course it is financial abuse.

Even removing the Coronavirus situation, she has -

  • no access to family money to pay for activities for their son or additional stuff for herself
  • has no say in financial decisions
  • is berated for not contributing enough, despite doing all the childcare
  • there is no equality in money spent on non essentials, ie husband tresys himself when he wants

Seriously divorce this dickhead as soon as the lockdown has ended, you'll end up in a better financial situation than now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/04/2020 10:58

dontdisturbmenow

Dp said I should work ft when the children had gone to school.

Unfortunately as I pointed out to him, what I would earn minus off wraparound childcare and travel costs and everything else related to me going to work ft would have cost us more than I brought in.

Also he couldn’t contribute to any household chores or pick up the children or do any childcare ever

He worked abroad 2-3 weeks in every 4-5 weeks. Never knew till a few days before where he was going or for how long.
Sometimes 1-2 days then back for a couple of days then gone for a week.

If one of you is on minimum wage then sometimes it really isn’t worth you actually working ft the cost outweighs the income

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 10:59

“But then he is paying the bills...”

Well done that man... let’s hear it for Moonin’s H

Heldupwithscaffolding · 09/04/2020 10:59

I have also been in this position, felt quite emotional reading the thread actually and terribly sad for the OP. This is abuse. No point having a talk with H , this has been a pattern of behaviour from the start and will never change, his attitude is fixed. I hate him on OP's behalf. My experience was that as DC grew older they began to see what was happening , I felt a terrible role model for my DD's allowing myself to be treated like this , and worried that DS would turn out the same. If you decide to stay with this man be prepared for a miserable life OP. Do you have the courage to leave him?

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 10:59

Look, the man is a wanker of the first order. No two ways about it.

Original poster
Moominmama79 · 09/04/2020 11:00

To those saying I should've paid my way when I was earning £150 - If I put that wage towards the bills like he expected me to, I would've been left with nothing. My husband however, having only needing to pay the extra for bills on top of the £150 would have at least £1000 left for himself that month. How would that be fair? He wouldn't pay for my phone bill, my travel to work, toiletries out of that money because it's 'his' money. That's exactly why I used my measly wage for myself.
When he has days off work, they are 'his' days off to do whatever he pleases, he doesn't help out at home or with childcare which is why when I look for work it has to fit in around school as he's not willing to help.
A lot of you seem to be missing the point, I'm not saying I'm choosing not to work and expecting him to pay for my lifestyle (which to be honest is none existent) I am willing and able to work and have done all my life. I worked part time to look after OUR child.

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 09/04/2020 11:01

I think your dh has a point - you haven’t contributed much financially over the years. I’m a single parent and have similar age children to you but work full time. He is probably fed up with carrying all the financial burden (as someone who has to do that, I understand).

I would suggest that you agree to look in earnest for work but he has to be realistic about the current situation as well.

Iateallthecookies000 · 09/04/2020 11:04

Op you have a choice. Either you get a job or you don’t. If you are willing to end your marriage then don’t get a job. You are not the only woman who works full time and has no other support with childcare.

Cosima1 · 09/04/2020 11:05

Don’t listen to some if the abuse apologists on here Moomin. How can you even bear to look at him? I feel as if I want to vomit reading your posts. Men like this disgust me. Please leave him. You can do so much better.

dontdisturbmenow · 09/04/2020 11:06

I worked part time to look after OUR child
A child who has been at school full time for two years and during which time you've only worked at most 20 hours, and most recently only worked 4 hours.

When you go back to ft work, you'll have plenty of disposable income for you to do what you want with.

lovepickledlimes · 09/04/2020 11:08

Would maybe a joint account as well as a personal account help the situation. So you each have your money but 60% should go towards a house hold account. This house hold account would be the family unit money so used to look after childern, days out, food shop, necessities such as toiletries, work travel for both etc?

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