To send a text to neighbour about her early morning phone chats

[VaukaPinvhin]

My neighbour in the flat below is chatting on the phone most mornings between 6.30am - 8 am. There is bugger all insulation in the building and I can hear every word . I have mild hearing loss so it’s not like I’m highly sensitive to noise. I’ve been woken up between 6.30 -7.45 every morning this week. Ok a quick call but not a long bloody chat.

AIBU to send her a text and ask if she can go into the other room or wait till after 8 am? She isn’t a bad neighbour - no loud music, visitors gone by 11pm etc. But at the moment when we are all stuck in she is doing my head in.

@bananafish I don't think it would be unreasonable at all for you to let him know that his calls are waking you.

I'm sure that these people who are making calls aren't doing it deliberately, and are probably blissfully unaware that their neighbours can hear them. So I don't think these conversations between neighbours need to be antagonistic. If you're starting from a standpoint of "I'm sure you don't realise this, but..." surely it's possible to come to some kind of compromise without falling out over it.

That's a difficult one.

A big part of me would want to tell her to shut the fuck up but that's not sensible or polite.

Maybe have a casual conversation as previous people have suggested.

Other people's noise is the absolute pits but unfortunately it's a way of life depending where you live I guess.

@VaukaPinvhin

There is nothing wrong with asking nicely!!

I call my mum & some friends very early in the morning as they live overseas and it's just a better time for them

As it is my bedroom and lounge are 'end walls' and I know the neighbour the other side can't hear me but if I was inadvertently doing something that was dusty thing them I'd want to know so I could change my behaviour (if possible).

Asking nicely is perfectly acceptable.- don't beat about the bush saying you can hear every word as she might not care & she might think it doesn't bother you, you were just letting her know. Just ask nicely

Bananafish

Oh my . I would lose the absolute plot with that.
2am....

😩😩😩

I can handle whatever she does after 8 am but why chat with someone at 6.30 instead of waitIng till a reasonable time.

Maybe the person she talks to is in a different time zone?

I had to let my friend know that I could hear her private conversations she was having at the front of the house because I had a vent at the front of the house she was mortified

It's worth a friendly chat. In a "i wonder whether you would mind" kind of conversation.

If simply going to another room would make her conversations a lot less audible, I don't think that's a lot to ask. There are always people on these threads saying, "Well I get up at 4.15 every day, so I don't see why it's unreasonable to make noise at that time", ignoring the fact that they would hate to be disturbed at midnight (which may be a perfectly normal time for other people to be awake).

Absolutely nothing wrong with mentioning it. probably hadn’t occurred to her that it may be loud enough to wake to.
I can hear my neighbours using the loo so I am aware they can hear me. I hate poor house design.

I think lots of us are more stressed and touchy at the moment.
I don't think you are being unreasonable but would urge caution how you handle it.... the correct way of letting her know you can hear her private conversations might work...
"I'd tell her you can hear every word. Most people would hate to think their private conversation is not private. Tell her. She will most likely change how she makes calls as a result."..
Maybe when she knows this she might alter the time of the calls?

i can see exactly how it would hurt to ask. suddenly her call to (as a possibility) an elderly relative who does that old-people thing of being up from 5, becomes fraught with worry about other people's expectations and "am i resitricting my life in line with everyone around me's random requirements"? leading to self-doubt, unnecessary withdrawal from grounding daily activities and ultimately depression/anxiety even if she didn't already have them.

And probable suicide. I think that's a bit of a reach from someone asking if you could make your 6.30am phone conversations a bit quieter.

UnaCorda that’s the thing. We do have very different lifestyles. She’s in bed about 11. I am often up till 2. But the difference is I’m very quiet and she wouldn’t be able to tell I’m up at that time because I listen to music or tv using headphones at that time and I don’t flush the loo or chat to my friends who are also up after midnight.

I think this is an easy one for everyone, and that a quick chat/text seems fair enough (be careful of tone on text, since it's impossible to convey!) - if she just goes to the living room that fixes it, and it's no hassle for anyone.

On the earplugs - DP snores, so I'm a bit of an expert - if you just buy the 3M foam ones on amazon I find they make my ears ache, because they're a bit big. Because I need them, I splash out and buy ones that are specifically smaller for women and children. Much more comfortable, and work just as well as the big ones, but without the ache I get when I wear the big ones all night.

Oh, and if you live somewhere humid, they expand, so you can't wear them for more than a few days.

I would tread carefully OP. she might decide to face time or zoom her calls, then you would hear both sides of the conversation. To be honest 6.30 isn't early , unless you have just come off a night shift. I would put my bedside radio on low, either music or speech and ignore the neighbours inane chatter.

And no she is not the type who would worry about other people’s expectations. She is ignoring lockdown rules about mixing with people outside your household as still has her nephew for sleepovers as usual, has friends popping in and is arranging to meet friends out the house. She used to come in after nights out at 3 am with a group of friends all yelling and laughing. But she’s older now and the friends are married with kids so that has stopped. She is not a bad person by any means but worrying about expectations on her to be quiet is not going to be an issue from what I’ve seen/heard about her over the last 11 years .

Yabu. You can't ask people to not speak in their own homes. The walls are thin, that's not her fault. If she's shouting and screaming that would be a different story.

I can't believe some of the replies on here!

If I knew I was waking up my neighbours when I could very easily move to another room, i would. How can that not the normal reaction from everybody?

Consideration goes both ways. Yes, it's legal, yes she can talk wherever and whenever she wants in her own home but most people are not complete twats and try to live in peace with each other. The willingness to make life as miserable as they possibly can from some posters is deppressing.

Crystal that’s the thing. It’s the flat. It’s ridiculous. That’s why I started the thread because it’s not a clear case of someone being unreasonably noisy.

Your beef should be with your landlord or freeholder/management company of your flat, not with your neighbour. No-one should need to feel bad for having normal noise level conversations in their own home at any time of day.

And probable suicide. hmm I think that's a bit of a reach from someone asking if you could make your 6.30am phone conversations a bit quieter.

i understand it sounds like a reach, but i can assure you that exact kind of response for someone with pre-existing mh conditions/a lot else going on isn't actually as uncommon as you, or any of us, might hope.

Holy fuck, you can hear her peeing? That makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe you need to actually make some noise to stop hearing so much. Thank fuck our walls don’t seem so thin, my neighbours would hate us as we have two kids and one is extra loud.

Can you hear what she's saying? If so, quote something back to her that you think she'd rather was private.

'I just wanted to let you know, I can hear all your phone calls. I imagine you'd rather have kept that conversation with Brigitte about how heavy your periods are a bit more private. I just thought I'd let you know.'

I'd phone or speak to her directly though. It's a sensitive subject and it's easy to have your tone interpreted wrongly in a text.

I feel your pain OP unless you live somewhere with thin walls you don't understand.

In our row of houses you can hear your neighbor cough, sneeze, pee etc. if both houses are quiet.

Most of the time it's not too bad and we all live respectfully and appreciative that sometimes noise is normal. But in this lockdown with everyone home all day every day, it's more frustrating.

How do you know that you are 'incredibly quiet' OP. Maybe you're not, you just think you are?

My DH moans about the DCs making a noise upstairs in the house when in reality, he's the one making the most noise whenever he's up there.

She's obviously just doing what's getting her through this awful period. We all are. I would tread carefully with this unless you want a short term problem to become a long term issue with a close neighbour. (Actually, I would just go to bed earlier .

If you are being really quiet then she might not realise noise travels so much.

My neighbours disturb me a lot, I played music one night to drown out the noise of their ‘special time’. It quietened for a while after that🙄