To be anxious about leaving 11 month old with husband

[Pondlife87]

I go back to work in 2 weeks after 11 months maternity leave. I was dreading it anyway, but am now so anxious as i work in a hospital.

Initially the plan was for my baby to be looked after by nursery and my dad which I was totally fine with.....well as fine as you can be.

However my husband is self employed and not working and he will now be looking after her full time.

We've been alternating days looking after her so he can get used to it for 3 weeks.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy. Not all at the same time, but every time I check in he will have missed about 3 things from the last few hours. She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

She is now crawling and pulling up and I've walked into the room on multiple occasions under his watch to find her chewing ends of plugged in cables (that have been previously put away by me and taken back out by him), eating bits she finds on the floor (I Hoover daily - I don't know how it procreates so much. I had to pull a long piece of thread out which was down her throat) and pulling up on furniture on the other side of the room to him. All because he's too busy on his phone!

He dresses her inappropriately all the time. Today it is really warm and he has put her in a fleecy onesie and long sleeved vest. Last week when it was cold he had her just in a vest.

I've spoken to him about it and he just gets defensive saying I worry too much. I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person, but it feels he is the opposite end and I feel there is a middle ground. After talking and him not listening again and again i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to, seen as his instincts are totally off and I've done him a chart so he can remember what he needs to do each day and roughly when. He initially said it was really helpful and thanked me. But despite him putting it up he definitely doesn't use it as nothing has changed.

I just want to smash his phone up as it is the sole reason all of this is happening, I'm sure of it. It just feels like he does the bare minimum.

Am I worrying for no reason or am I right to be concerned (please note I never had these concerns when my dad was goinf to look after her, as he tends to anticipates her every need).

No, that does sound really concerning and I would be feeling the same as you.
It's not just your being overprotective - your husband is not ensuring baby's basic needs are being met and not making sure she is safe.
You could try asking how he would feel if the nursery didn't feed her/let her get into these situations? Maybe that would make him realise he's not stepping up as a dad?
I really sympathise as it sounds like such a hard situation with him not being receptive. Hope things work out but I agree with you on this.

Also, obviously current lockdown makes it difficult but I would plan as much as possible for your dad to have her - if your husband is working from home, that might be a handy excuse for you to send baby elsewhere so he can concentrate? Depends obviously on your situation.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy.

I think it would be helpful to reword this. He's not forgetting, he's choosing not to do these things as they require effort and reduce his phone time.

I would be very worried about leaving her with him, as he's proved numerous times that he isn't capable of meeting her basic needs.

I work with quite a few men who are fathers and they all agree they don’t like choosing their child’s clothes. Therefore could you leave her clothes out the night before?

In terms of routine, could you write him out a schedule, until he gets used to it?

He has had 11 months to learn how to look after her. It's a damned disgrace that he either doesn't want to respond to her needs or doesn't know to.

Didn't want to read and run, this sounds really hard.

On one hand, you admit you are anxious and it does sound a little like giving him a note of your usual structure and leaving him to it might be better as he sounds like he's relying on you as the buffer. He doesn't need to take the responsibility as seriously as you are always there to pickup where he's missing maybe?

On the other hand, there's not really an excuse for knowing she needs fed, but letting her cry for 45mins+? Was he really just on his phone and ignoring her the whole time??

Maybe things will be different when you're not around? He Lloyd Ave to step up to the plate then and tbh if he doesn't then I'd not want to be in a relationship with him personally.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy.

So he is neglecting her - if he was a single dad this poor child may well end up in care. Never mind arrangements for when you’re at work - have you ever thought what would happen to her if god forbid something happened to you? No real advice I’m afraid because quite frankly I don’t know how you can put up with that - I couldn’t be with a man who would wilfully neglect a helpless baby. I would just leave.

We used to used the baby tracker app, mainly when daughter was small but it was really handy. But you share the account between you.
It meant DH could walk through the door at the end of the day and know exactly when she was last fed, changed and napped by using the app.
He could also see the patterns. So I didn't have to do a "handover" before I went and did something

It is mainly for newborn but if you do this for a week and then he can see it written down, may help?

I think you might be better to persuade him to put his phone away for the duration and tell him to grow up :(

At the very least, I'd be putting alarms on his phone to 'tell him' that it's time for him to put the bloody phone down to feed/ dress/ play with/ change nappy etc and actually be a parent !

Stop alternating days. He gets five days in a row with her doing the hours you would be our at work. Tell him day one and two you are running the show and he is to watch, do as you ask, nd learn. Days 3-5 He is in charge but you will shadow.

Next week he is completely running the show.

He's a fucking tool if he can't care adequately for his own child because he's so engrossed in his phone. I'd seriously have an issue with being married to someone so fucking lazy and ignorant.

He isn't forgetting those things, he's ignoring them because he doesn't give a shit. That's not Dad material at all.

He can't look after his own child?

How embarrassing.

He needs to step up. To be honest lm not sure whether to vote YABU or YANBU. Yeah I can see why you don’t want to leave her with him but l don’t know why things have got to this point. Has he not had to care for her 1:1 before?

Not sure why OP has to write the timetable. Shouldn’t he be sorting out a way to resolve his short comings?

I was going to say the same as @Pinkblueberry.
No excuse for neglect. He's totally disengaged and not ready to be responsible for a baby. I'm not surprised you're anxious.

What the actual fuck is wrong with him! Neglect is a form of child abuse, remind him of that.

Are there any online parenting courses he can do or good websites, maybe written from a father's perspective? Because he sure as hell isn't listening to you.

I was coming on here to disagree with you and tell you that you should just leave him to it.

However your list of things is fairly concerning. I'd not worry too much about the clothing, but being unable to meet her basic needs such as food and safety are fairly concerning. Usually some parents are just being lazy and choosing to leave ur up to the other parent, but he sounds completely incompetent. Can he look after himself or do you do everything such as housework, cooking, washing etc?

He needs to sort his shit out otherwise you'll end up doing it all, working, housework, dc etc. Do you really want to end up having 2 kids and no help?

I think it would be helpful to reword this. He's not forgetting, he's choosing not to do these things as they require effort and reduce his phone time.

This

Do what’s best for your baby but you can’t keep coming up with work arounds because your H is a selfish arse. He either steps up to fatherhood or he goes.

He’s a shit father.

You really need to challenge him on why he's severely neglecting your child. Don't step in, as hard as it is and see how long he'd leave feeding her and what is reaction to her crying is.

This should be a deal breaker. You are a single parent within a marriage and he operates at child protection level.

Gosh that's a hard situation. I'd normally advise that crap men like this need to be read the riot act and left to sort it out themselves but it's difficult with an 11 month old in the mix.

Why do you think he's forgetting? Genuine forgetfulness, he's too distracted by his phone or he doesn't care about looking after her properly?

If it's the first two then you can do something about it - work with him to write a schedule for the day, staple it to his forehead and remind him to stick to it. Get cross when he doesn't. Emphasise that he needs to get into a routine and then it gets easier...

If he just doesn't care then you have much bigger problems I'm afraid. If that's the case you can't share your life with someone who doesn't give a shit and I would be telling him to leave and finding childcare for DD.

How have you not lost your rag at him op? He's neglecting his very small, vulnerable child. I wouldn't be able to continue a relationship with him in all honesty.

Most of the stuff he will learn with time - just give him a chance.
If she's hungry, tired, cold - she will let him know. When you're not there, he will quickly understand that if she's fed/not tired/warm enough then he gets an easier life. Nobody likes to be yelled at by a grumpy baby.

Certainly don't just expect your dad to do it! Make your DH step up!!

DH was a bit like this. He used to plan big days out, without the right clothing, no emergency snacks or naps planned in the right places. He quickly learnt to pack extra clothes, food and to not over do it.

It seems to me he isnt interested in her needs . Can you postpone your return to work ? He is being an absolute tool here .Did you both want children ,if so he needs to step up to it! I would try and delay your return if possible ,you will be worrying all time about whats happening at home! The situation may change in a few weeks time ,and she could return to Nursery and your Dads care then .This is neglect and is a serious matter .

Why do you think he's forgetting? Genuine forgetfulness, he's too distracted by his phone or he doesn't care about looking after her properly?

Even if he puts his phone down for feeding and changing her by following a schedule - that's not all there is to looking after her. What about playing with her, actually engaging with her? I wouldn't be happy with the bare minimum of feeding, changing etc. He needs to grow up and get off his damn phone.

Its tempting to let him sink or swim and to learn that a hungry wet child will be a lot more hard work for him than a fed dry one. But i think the risk to baby would be too much of a worry for me.
He needs a wake up call and i think i'd leave him over this if it was me.