To be anxious about leaving 11 month old with husband

[Pondlife87]

I go back to work in 2 weeks after 11 months maternity leave. I was dreading it anyway, but am now so anxious as i work in a hospital.

Initially the plan was for my baby to be looked after by nursery and my dad which I was totally fine with.....well as fine as you can be.

However my husband is self employed and not working and he will now be looking after her full time.

We've been alternating days looking after her so he can get used to it for 3 weeks.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy. Not all at the same time, but every time I check in he will have missed about 3 things from the last few hours. She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

She is now crawling and pulling up and I've walked into the room on multiple occasions under his watch to find her chewing ends of plugged in cables (that have been previously put away by me and taken back out by him), eating bits she finds on the floor (I Hoover daily - I don't know how it procreates so much. I had to pull a long piece of thread out which was down her throat) and pulling up on furniture on the other side of the room to him. All because he's too busy on his phone!

He dresses her inappropriately all the time. Today it is really warm and he has put her in a fleecy onesie and long sleeved vest. Last week when it was cold he had her just in a vest.

I've spoken to him about it and he just gets defensive saying I worry too much. I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person, but it feels he is the opposite end and I feel there is a middle ground. After talking and him not listening again and again i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to, seen as his instincts are totally off and I've done him a chart so he can remember what he needs to do each day and roughly when. He initially said it was really helpful and thanked me. But despite him putting it up he definitely doesn't use it as nothing has changed.

I just want to smash his phone up as it is the sole reason all of this is happening, I'm sure of it. It just feels like he does the bare minimum.

Am I worrying for no reason or am I right to be concerned (please note I never had these concerns when my dad was goinf to look after her, as he tends to anticipates her every need).

I see a couple of "crap dad apologists" have arrived.

I've come across dozens of middle class mums who chose not to change their babies' nappies because they are too busy chatting.

I've come across dozens of middle class mums who chose not to change their babies' nappies because they are too busy chatting.

I'm sure they're out there, but this situation is about a lot more than not changing a nappy.

Before you even wrote it down, when I was reading the paragraph of all he “forgets” to do, I knew you were going to say it’s because he was distracted by his phone.

My husband is HFA although we didn't know it when the kids were babies. He couldn't be left with them. His low sense of danger combined with zero ability to meet their physical needs in a timely manner meant it would have been neglect to leave him in charge. I don't think you can leave your baby with him. I would speak to your health visitor and also to social services. If you end up leaving you're going to need to create a paper trail of why the baby can't be left unsupervised with him.

*before you even read it.

I call this “dadding” and I know so many men who are the same. A lot of the care of young babies is boring, mindless drudgery with very little real reward until they get a bit bigger. Women have a larger tolerance for this than men do, I find.

I know far more men who check out and find refuge in a more interesting distraction - usually some kind of device.

He will have to start remembering.

I know it's scary, but actually when he is in sole charge, there's every chance he will step up because he will have to. He won't be able to rely on you being their to remember and remind him. He's an adult, he'll learn.

I'm sure they're out there, but this situation is about a lot more than not changing a nappy.

I think that depends - if lunch is usually at 12 and the baby is fed at 1pm instead I wouldn't call that neglect if she is otherwise happy and not continuing to cry. That's just a flexible schedule.

And I know you've already said it but I would not repeat the threat of sending her to your dad. He may well see that as a better solution than looking after his baby himself, so it will make him less likely to step up.

Oh dear, the thing that stands out is how has your child reached 11mths & the dad seems to have had little/if any responsibility caring for her?

He appears not to know her routine at all, how/when to feed her or keep her safe.

I had my child later in life & have seen many of my friends fall into this trap of taking sold responsibility for their baby, even though they have partners. Some we of them were in the 'no-one can take care of my baby like me' camp & the father's were happy to sit back & let them do everything.

But when I came time for the father's to step up they were useless and had the sense of entitlement that I wasn't 'their job' They knew nothing about how to look after their own children, this is their fault, but blame also lies with the mother's for practically rendering them useless.

A friend of mine is going through a divorce for this exact reason, she did make a rod for her own back ( she admitted this) at the beginning. Months down the line her husband didn't like being left alone with his child because ' he didn't know what to do', 'she prefers you' excuses. She couldn't even go for a shower without him huffing & puffing that their child was being fussy & he didn't know what to do. Absolutely ridiculous, and I made sure not to follow the same pattern when my baby came.

At 11 months they are still so young and i think the dads are unsure how to bond with them at that age

It's nearly a year. Why are you apologising for lacklustre (at best) parenting? Can you imagine if a mother was still saying 'yeah, not sure how to bond with my child so I just ignore her'?

The op did say;

"I probably should have been fair to him and added in that he does engage with her and play with her. He just does the fun stuff" ...

@Pondlife87 you don’t threaten him with sending her to your parents, he probably wants that. You threaten him with the loss of your income as you would need to stay home and you tell him you’d be bitter as hell if neither of you have income and it’s all his fault. But I think you have to just keep pulling him up for it and take the battery out his phone/hide the phone( don’t smash it up as that’s expensive).

Why not use his phone as an ally? Put reminders in there - for lunch, for naps, with a 'sniff the nappy' instruction before any alert so that he makes that habit.

And then, yes, give him 2 days in a row to do it all.

Someone mentioned a baby tracking app - that also sounds worth looking at, as a way of gamifying basic care so he's more likely to do it.

Which is absolutely bloody ridiculous for a grown man, but you can only work with the materials at hand, and restricting contact outside the household is still a primary consideration.

Sorry he's such a shit father and a shit dh OP.

I'm shocked and saddened that from reading a lot of threads, since lockdown so many women have realized they're married to/living with/dating absolute Dickheads. He is neglecting your baby. I would have kicked his arse long ago. I wouldn't stay with a man who deliberately neglected his child. Awful!

sniff the nappy'

Does the op mean he forgets to change obvious smelly nappies or those saggy wet ones so many mums seem to ignore?

Isn't this just conscious incompetence? Dd is useless, utterly useless at home. Can't find cutlery, open cupboards etc. Stick him in cub camp, he's a different kid.

Dh never used to eat during the day. He never, ever forgot to see to the kids' needs when they were tiny.

This is not ok. I wouldn’t be leaving a baby with him.

My DH gets things wrong, he misses the sleepy cues, gets naps wrong sometimes and dresses her in the weirdest combinations. I just bite my tongue as they don’t really matter. But she is always safe and properly fed and supervised with him.

Not doing things the same way or to the same standards is ok- neglect is something else

WRT the suggestions of micromanaging - yes, people can reject doing stuff if they feel this is happening to them, and it's understandable when it's over issues where no third party is affected, like couples negotiating cooking or cleaning, or in the workplace.

When there is a third party affected, and that third party is an entirely dependent little person who you are supposed to love, barely looking after them because you find the mother too bossy, suggests there is something really quite wrong with how he forms ideas about responsibility and relationships.

No parent should have to be pressured into providing basic care like food, warmth and comfort to his own baby. He should want to. But he doesn't, because he doesn't care enough to prioritise her needs.

With exH, I refused to write lists or guidance, and wouldn't have set phone alerts for him, because I believed that as a functioning adult, he should notice the areas where he claimed he 'forgot' or 'didn't know how' and find ways to address those issues himself. The way people do in all other areas of life, but are someone rendered incapable of when it comes to children.

My partner was similar, but has got better as our ds has got bigger, more interactive etc. He's 2 now and although not on the same parenting level as me, his dad isn't too bad. I would say having been in this situation that your oh will get better, but he needs to practice. As in, you need to leave him to it. No, he won't do everything as well as you would have, but he'll quickly start to work out that she's not going to stop crying unless I feed/change her / get her to sleep. It's so difficult, but you need to let him live the parenting thing and learn as he goes. If you step in, he's never going to get any better, and you'll never get a break.

Try the baby tracking app to make the phone useful. Ideally one with prompts/reminders.

Try this for short periods where he’s responsible - a few hours - while you’re off the scene.

If it doesn’t work, tell him he’s paying for childcare. And if he won’t/can’t then I honestly think he’s not a suitable partner for you to create a family with.

@Clavinova
Just to reply to your various comments.

1. He isn't aware I'm 'shadowing' him. I go in when I've heard her crying for an unreasonable amount of time. And generally everu few hours to see her and ask how she is. This is how i know things aren't being done
2. I have chosen the path of being a responsive parent, rather than routines parenting. I breastfeed on demand and she eats on demand (normally between 11.30 and 1.30). I try to put her down for naps following sleepy cues. But to be honest she has a little routine of her own now, which is what i have written down for him. That things need doing 'around then'.
3. Whilst I want to be fair and not paint him to be the monster it can read to be in black and white, I don't believe I exaggerated his shortcomings.

I hope that clarifies anything for you.

Does he forget to go to the toilet, feed himself etc? Does he wear fleecy clothes on a sunny day?

I understand the odd "where did time go?" day but i bet he eats lunch or makes himself a cuppa if thirsty.

You need a serious chat with him. Does he need phone alarms to remind him to do things?

I'm not surprised that you're worried

The baby tracking apps sound really good. We already have huckleberry installed from ages ago so we can give that a go. I will also get him to set alarms.
I really want to clarify to people who think I'm controlling and micromanaging that I really don't think i am. I've encouraged him to be hands on from day one. I don't criticise clothes choice unless there is a risk. I let him feed her what he chooses (when he remembers/ following my prompts) even if that isn't what I would feed her. The only time I say 'no' is when it is dangerous.
But i think it's important to remember that when people have no initiative and poor organisational and time management skills, sometimes a little management is required. It's not me moaning about his dishwasher stacking ability. It's his ability to care for our child.

@Pinkblueberry completely agree with your post , it's not forgetting its neglect, I wouldnt be with him , what an absolute incompetent dim wit