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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be anxious about leaving 11 month old with husband

170 replies

Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 11:01

I go back to work in 2 weeks after 11 months maternity leave. I was dreading it anyway, but am now so anxious as i work in a hospital.

Initially the plan was for my baby to be looked after by nursery and my dad which I was totally fine with.....well as fine as you can be.

However my husband is self employed and not working and he will now be looking after her full time.

We've been alternating days looking after her so he can get used to it for 3 weeks.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy. Not all at the same time, but every time I check in he will have missed about 3 things from the last few hours. She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

She is now crawling and pulling up and I've walked into the room on multiple occasions under his watch to find her chewing ends of plugged in cables (that have been previously put away by me and taken back out by him), eating bits she finds on the floor (I Hoover daily - I don't know how it procreates so much. I had to pull a long piece of thread out which was down her throat) and pulling up on furniture on the other side of the room to him. All because he's too busy on his phone!

He dresses her inappropriately all the time. Today it is really warm and he has put her in a fleecy onesie and long sleeved vest. Last week when it was cold he had her just in a vest.

I've spoken to him about it and he just gets defensive saying I worry too much. I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person, but it feels he is the opposite end and I feel there is a middle ground. After talking and him not listening again and again i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to, seen as his instincts are totally off and I've done him a chart so he can remember what he needs to do each day and roughly when. He initially said it was really helpful and thanked me. But despite him putting it up he definitely doesn't use it as nothing has changed.

I just want to smash his phone up as it is the sole reason all of this is happening, I'm sure of it. It just feels like he does the bare minimum.

Am I worrying for no reason or am I right to be concerned (please note I never had these concerns when my dad was goinf to look after her, as he tends to anticipates her every need).

OP posts:
Smilebehappy123 · 07/04/2020 14:12

I have a 12 month old and her dad would be out thr door if he behaved like this , I work three days a week and have absoloutley no doubt that my child is cares for when I am not there, he is a father and should know how to look after his own child , what if you was killed tomorrow? The child would be be neglected

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 14:13

Pondlife87
I hope that clarifies anything for you

Not really - you say;
"she eats on demand (normally between 11.30 and 1.30)"

But in your op you said;
"it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago"

Grumpos · 07/04/2020 14:16

He doesn’t forget - we forget to turn the lights off when we go out, forget to put the bins out on bin day, we don’t forget to ensure our child eats. Especially when that child is sat in the same room as us, crying and fussing because they are hungry.

Are you not able to say “listen, if you chose not to feed our child again then I’ll be stringing you up by your scrotum”?
Why tiptoe around him? Are you scared of him? Is he highly sensitive to criticism?
He’s just a bloke, there are billions of them out there, he doesn’t need kid gloves just tell him that he’s failing to look after his child properly and it’s embarrassing and ridiculous.

LagunaBubbles · 07/04/2020 14:18

11 months they are still so young and i think the dads are unsure how to bond with them at that age

Oh come on... feeding them would be a start. Hmm

LIZS · 07/04/2020 14:21

I think he will step up when he needs to but you may need to hold put longer before stepping in, however not at the expense of your dd's welfare. If he "forgets" can he set reminders on his phone for the important things ( like feeds and nap). Presumably some things you can still do yourself anyway, like vitamins. Don't worry too much about what she wears.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 14:32

@Clavinova

Yes - I also said she was crying- she had been crying and whingeing because she was likely hungry around then and had been crying and whingeing for around 15 mins. She normally gets hungry around then.
Because, as i also just said, she has her own little routine. So she gets hungry at similarish times each day. As a lot of people do. So I can predict and read what she wants a lot of the time. Being responsive and there being a natural routine can coincide.

OP posts:
TerrorWig · 07/04/2020 14:39

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy

Most people have a routine. If he can feed himself breakfast lunch and dinner, then I don’t see why he doesn’t just dish up at appropriate times.

He is being neglectful. Or, he has learning disabilities giving him a legitimate reason for not being able to do the basic things for a baby.

He needs to shape up, fast.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 14:49

Pondlife87
So she gets hungry at similarish times each day

Which is why I think your 11.30 -1.30 'lunch window' is inconsistent.

"had been crying and whingeing for around 15 mins"

Surely your dh didn't listen to her crying and whingeing for an hour (15 + 45) - how could he concentrate on his phone? Didn't you call out from upstairs?

miccymaccy · 07/04/2020 15:20

Tell him you'll report him to Social Services - that's what I'd do if someone neglected my child

CaptainButtock · 07/04/2020 15:35

Are you sure he isn't doing the old 'I'll show her how shit I am at this so I'll never get lumbered' routine?
Has he expressed any desire to actually parent her while you're at work?

nestisflown · 07/04/2020 15:42

That is pure neglect. He doesn't care about your daughter if he thinks it's appropriate to leave her unfed, nibbling food off the floor and playing with electrics.

He could have ADHD but his arrogance and inability to recognise his failings is astounding. There's no way I'd be leaving your daughter in his care without supervision which is sad and pathetic given he's the child's father.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 15:54

@Clavinova - im sorry i don't understand. Inconsistent with what?

And I can't know if she was crying or whingeing the whole time for sure as i was in the shower and doing house work, but when I came back she was.

OP posts:
PleaseStopCrying · 07/04/2020 16:13

Im always staggered on threads like this that a handful of people make up every excuse under the sun as to why it must be the mum in the wrong. Its like they refuse to believe the man could possibly be at fault.

I would honestly consider leaving him in this situation. You are meant to be a team and he clearly doesnt think your daughter is worth his time or effort in looking after. He couldn't be telling you more clearly he doesn't give a crap.

If you died tomorrow she would likely end up in care. He simply doesn't see it as his responsibility or have her best interests at heart.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 16:27

@Clavinova - im sorry i don't understand. Inconsistent with what?

This;
"Because, as i also just said, she has her own little routine. So she gets hungry at similarish times each day." / "'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago"

and

"she eats on demand (normally between 11.30 and 1.30)"

Are you talking about eating [a solid] lunch or breastfeeding here - perhaps you mean 'she feeds' not 'she eats'?? If your dh sees you give your dd lunch anytime between 11.30 and 1.30 isn't that part of the problem? Why are you showering so late in the morning if it's your dh's day to look after your dd? Where's your preparation for going back to work in two weeks time?

Where does she nap - in her cot?

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 16:32

Its like they refuse to believe the man could possibly be at fault.

He doesn't sound brilliant by any means but I don't agree with:

"If you died tomorrow she would likely end up in care." /
"Tell him you'll report him to Social Services"

AgentJohnson · 07/04/2020 16:33

Tell him you'll report him to Social Services - that's what I'd do if someone neglected my child.

WTAF! Social Services would expect the OP to protect her child because knowingly putting your child in the care of someone who neglects then, would be classed as neglect.

This is who he is. I suspect his laziness was not a recent development but you didn’t expect that it would extend to neglecting his child.

You have to decide if your partner neglecting his child is a deal breaker or not and if it isn’t, why the hell not.

PleaseStopCrying · 07/04/2020 16:38

He doesn't sound brilliant by any means but I don't agree with:
"If you died tomorrow she would likely end up in care."

Why dont you agree she would end up in care. I would hope she did to be honest or into the permanent care of the OPs dad given that the alternative is simply leaving her with a father who doesn't seem to give a crap if she is put at risk and neglected.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 16:40

Is she neglected?

""I probably should have been fair to him and added in that he does engage with her and play with her. He just does the fun stuff" ...

PleaseStopCrying · 07/04/2020 16:44

Is she neglected?

Just because someone plays with a child doesnt mean they are not neglecting them.

The OP has said he has failed to: feed his child, dress her appropriately, brush her teeth, make sure shes not left in a dirty nappy and also adequately supervise her. How is that anything other than neglect?

TheTiaraManager · 07/04/2020 16:45

OP of course this is neglect.

I would be horrified and disgusted if my DH "forgot" to feed one of our DC or fulfil other basic needs

I would arrange nursery as you are a key worker & tell DH he either learns to parent or has supervised only access & moves out

Eggcited · 07/04/2020 16:46

Is she neglected?

Neglect is the ongoing failure to meet a child's basic needs, and the OP has highlighted several examples of this.

He forgets to feed her
forgets to clean her teeth
he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times
he forgets to change her nappy.

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 16:57

@Clavinova
You either aren't understanding what I'm trying to tell you, or are purprosefully misrepresenting it....for what purpose? I don't know? Are you my husband? Or just a regular troll?
And I can shower when the hell I want. How dare you judge the time I choose to shower. What on earth makes you think you have the right to do that?
Now troll off.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/04/2020 16:58

Has he been to the doctor for his memory problems? I'm sure they'll help when they find out his poor memory is putting his child in danger.

I'd be surprised if he can wipe his own arse.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 16:58

I would be horrified and disgusted if my DH "forgot" to feed one of our DC or fulfill other basic needs

And I was horrified every time I went to a [very middle class] play centre, farm, activity, party, play group, and there were often screaming, hitting, snotty nosed, chocolate covered, saggy nappy babies and toddlers being 'neglected' by their coffee drinking mothers. Grin

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 17:01

I would just like to thank everyone who has helped.
We have argued/ talked about it and he has done a tick chart to go alongside the rota i already did. He said he will use this and an app.
He has looked after her today and other than the odd thing (which I admit is me being picky, so I've left it alone), he has looked after her well and played with her too. I just hope he keeps it up. I will get him to do it again tomorrow as others have suggested to try and drill it in.

OP posts:
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