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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be anxious about leaving 11 month old with husband

170 replies

Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 11:01

I go back to work in 2 weeks after 11 months maternity leave. I was dreading it anyway, but am now so anxious as i work in a hospital.

Initially the plan was for my baby to be looked after by nursery and my dad which I was totally fine with.....well as fine as you can be.

However my husband is self employed and not working and he will now be looking after her full time.

We've been alternating days looking after her so he can get used to it for 3 weeks.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy. Not all at the same time, but every time I check in he will have missed about 3 things from the last few hours. She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

She is now crawling and pulling up and I've walked into the room on multiple occasions under his watch to find her chewing ends of plugged in cables (that have been previously put away by me and taken back out by him), eating bits she finds on the floor (I Hoover daily - I don't know how it procreates so much. I had to pull a long piece of thread out which was down her throat) and pulling up on furniture on the other side of the room to him. All because he's too busy on his phone!

He dresses her inappropriately all the time. Today it is really warm and he has put her in a fleecy onesie and long sleeved vest. Last week when it was cold he had her just in a vest.

I've spoken to him about it and he just gets defensive saying I worry too much. I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person, but it feels he is the opposite end and I feel there is a middle ground. After talking and him not listening again and again i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to, seen as his instincts are totally off and I've done him a chart so he can remember what he needs to do each day and roughly when. He initially said it was really helpful and thanked me. But despite him putting it up he definitely doesn't use it as nothing has changed.

I just want to smash his phone up as it is the sole reason all of this is happening, I'm sure of it. It just feels like he does the bare minimum.

Am I worrying for no reason or am I right to be concerned (please note I never had these concerns when my dad was goinf to look after her, as he tends to anticipates her every need).

OP posts:
Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 12:08

The word neglect had floated across my mind, but I didn't know if it was a bit extreme.
I probably should have been fair to him and added in that he does engage with her and play with her. He just does the fun stuff and neglects the basic needs. I genuinely think it's forgetting and distraction rather than intentionally not doing it. Which doesn't make it much better - maybe a smidge from an ethical point of view, but doesn't help my anxiety.

He works really hard and is very intelligent and competent IF he's interested. If he's not then he's useless. The stuff with our baby is much the same as the 6 year battle I've had with getting him to do the housework.

He has a lot of good qualities, but he is quite an arrogant man and very resistant to accepting any consteuctive feedback i.e. 'you need to do it now, not later as you'll forget, and history proves his time and time again'. Despite this being obvious he refuses to acknowledge it.
I have lost my shit at him. I've tried talking to him calmly. I've tried shadowing him. I've tried leaving him to it. And in that classic way after we talk about it he changes for one day, then things go back to how they were.
I do think he has a tendency to leave it up to me if I'm there. For example last night I went to the loo and she woke up whilst I was on the loo. When I came back to the bedroom he was sat up about to respond, but when he saw me he immediately lay back down to leave it to me. I flipped at him for it this morning. It's hard because he said he only vaguely remembers and must have been half asleep and I can't be sure if he's lying or not. He is an incredibly deep sleeper.
I'm really hoping that those of you who are saying he will pick it up when I'm not there are right.
I've actually said to him this morning if he doesn't show me he can look after her properly, I will send her to my dad's. I wouldn't actually do this, I'm preying on his male ego in the hope threat and shame of failure and this being known to my dad (who he admirers greatly) will make him buck up.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 07/04/2020 12:08

so i ended up doing it

Which I my opinion is his aim, he’s lazy can’t be bothered. He’s not stupid, he could put reminders on his phone if he was forgetful but he just doesn’t care.

Maybe with you being out the house he will step up as there will be no one else to do it for him.

It’s his time to shine! And if he doesn’t then show him the door.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/04/2020 12:09

It’s not in your child’s best interest to stay with him.

Safiyah2020 · 07/04/2020 12:12

If he was that terrible you wouldn't of had a child with him in the first place. Plus i found with my twins that once they get to 2 or 3 it is much easier for the dads to bond and do things with them.

At 11 months they are still so young and i think the dads are unsure how to bond with them at that age

Mylittlepony374 · 07/04/2020 12:12

This is really bad.
Your child is crying with hunger and he is not feeding her.
That is neglect.
I don't know what you should do, sorry for lack of practical advice, but you should really seriously think about how the rest of your life looks, not being able to trust her father to take care of her.

Pinkblueberry · 07/04/2020 12:14

My ex-husband became very hands-on and a great father when he had to step up and look after them on his own when he has his weekends with them

Well done to him Hmm I would argue a ‘great’ father is not one who’s only stepped up because circumstances forced him too. Great fathers are ones who are ‘hands on’ and ‘step up’ (e.i. behave like a parent) from the get go. I don’t why we congratulate dads and call them great or stepping up and being hands on - imagine calling a mum ‘hands on’ - hands on as opposed to what, neglecting their child??

Original poster
Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 12:14

Just to add my husband isnt the best at taking care of himself. He forgets to eat and drink unless I feed him. And he's been like this way before i came along according to his parents. I also suspect he is mildly on the autistic spectrum, as he gets very fixated on certain things, and has poor empathy skills. So maybe empathy is an issue for him here and that's why he isn't responsive?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2020 12:17

Only you know here op.
You painted a picture in your op of a completely useless father who can't care less about his child or his wife, is selfish, useless, lazy. This scenario will undoubtedly end in divorce. And the sooner the better.
Then you can back to defend him, possibly implying the first post was an exaggeration, or one-offs. This is workable with the ideas other posters have already pointed out.

LouHotel · 07/04/2020 12:17

Threatening to take her to your dad is what he wants OP.

Some of this might be because your there and some of it isn't worth getting worried about. I pick out my daughters clothes because my husband which just grab the first thing he finds, equally he'll learn the hard way about ignoring when she needs a nap when your away on a 12 hour shift.

It's the food and nappies that is terrible here and i would call it neglect. Short term right up a schedule and stick it to the fridge, long term if it doesn't improve I would LTB over someone who can't look after basic needs of a baby.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/04/2020 12:17

But he isn't very intelligent and competent, is he? Because if he is those things when he's interested, what you're saying is that he isn't actually interested in his own child, which is a very sad conclusion to come to.

It sounds as if you'd be better off without him - he sounds like a dead weight.

OlaEliza · 07/04/2020 12:18

If he's only just taking turns to care for her, how much have you let him do since birth op?

Tbh the op sounds very controlling and micromanaging and I bet the reason he hasn't stepped up since birth is because op is the only one that 'can look after the baby properly'. Everything he does is wrong in her eyes, not different, wrong because it's not the way she would do it - bringing them to this point.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/04/2020 12:20

I would revert to plan A if I were you.

Will the nursery still take her as you are a key worker?

If he questions it, be brutally honest. Tell him he can't leave his phone along long enough to be trusted to act like a caring parent. He has had ample opportunity to prove this to you. And yet he fails, by choosing to either let you do it, or by choosing not to respond to her needs at all.

If he is 'on the spectrum', has he ever bothered to get a diagnosis or support for his symptoms? If not, then a boot up the arse if required rather than empathy.

So sorry, this must be really frustrating and stressful for you.

CaffiSaliMali · 07/04/2020 12:20

Strategic incompetence, does things so badly that you don't ask him to do it again. And/or he sees this work as 'women's work and therefore beneath him (your comment about the housework made me think this). I bet he listens to constructive feed back at work!

It doesn't take much brain power to know that babies, like adults, need to eat and be dressed in weather appropriate clothes. Or that soiled nappies need changing.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/04/2020 12:20

*alone not along.

Eggcited · 07/04/2020 12:22

He forgets to eat and drink unless I feed him. And he's been like this way before i came along according to his parents.

Forgets, or once again choosing not to eat. It's very easy to forget to do something if you know someone else is going to do it for you.

If he truly was forgetful, then as other posters have pointed out he could take steps to reduce his forgetfulness. Such as alarms or schedules.

Pinkblueberry · 07/04/2020 12:23

Just to add my husband isnt the best at taking care of himself. He forgets to eat and drink unless I feed him. And he's been like this way before i came along according to his parents.

So instead of entering into a loving relationship, you’ve actually just become someone’s carer? You deserve better OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2020 12:24

Why did you marry him op? And I'm not being goady.

Sushiroller · 07/04/2020 12:26

You are undereacting if anything.

Agree with the poster who said he is choosing to neglect his child.

I would be telling him you will be leaving him if this doesn't change now. I can't imagine wanting to be with/ sleep with someone that treats a baby like this. It would kill my love for him.

WifflyWaffle · 07/04/2020 12:31

On a purely practical level I would sit with him and set multiple alerts on his phone to remind him of key times to do things. That way, your baby is not going to be hungry or sitting for hours in a wet nappy.

Is there a chance that he can’t be bothered as he knows eventually you’ll step in? Is it at all likely that a sole carer when you’re at work that he’ll be more responsible?

If the answer is no and you really can’t trust him to not neglect your baby - because it is neglect to repeatedly not feed her etc because he’s busy on his phone) then you’ll need to have the most serious of conversations about whether you will be going back to work when he isn’t responsible enough to be the stay at home parent.

WifflyWaffle · 07/04/2020 12:31

^ as a sole carer

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 12:34

She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

Was she still crying or were they playing together? What time is lunch and how flexible is your schedule when you are looking after your dd?

ursuslemonade · 07/04/2020 12:34

I see a couple of "crap dad apologists" have arrived.
Not feeding her, changing her and ignoring her crawling around...well especially the last one is a recipe for disaster..He needs to watch her like a hawk!

WifflyWaffle · 07/04/2020 12:35

Also, although I don’t know him, I think you counting on the threat of sending her to your dad’s to shame him will probably be a relief to him. All the more time to sit around on his phone with no responsibility. I think I’d be talking to your dad and agreeing to present a united front to the effect that your dad is totally unable to have her. You’re giving him an escape clause and relying on his pride. What if his laziness is a stronger force?

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 12:37

I've tried shadowing him.
That does sound a bit micromanaging.

Ameanstreakamilewide · 07/04/2020 12:37

He's a lazy toerag.