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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about leaving 11 month old with husband

170 replies

Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 11:01

I go back to work in 2 weeks after 11 months maternity leave. I was dreading it anyway, but am now so anxious as i work in a hospital.

Initially the plan was for my baby to be looked after by nursery and my dad which I was totally fine with.....well as fine as you can be.

However my husband is self employed and not working and he will now be looking after her full time.

We've been alternating days looking after her so he can get used to it for 3 weeks.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy. Not all at the same time, but every time I check in he will have missed about 3 things from the last few hours. She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

She is now crawling and pulling up and I've walked into the room on multiple occasions under his watch to find her chewing ends of plugged in cables (that have been previously put away by me and taken back out by him), eating bits she finds on the floor (I Hoover daily - I don't know how it procreates so much. I had to pull a long piece of thread out which was down her throat) and pulling up on furniture on the other side of the room to him. All because he's too busy on his phone!

He dresses her inappropriately all the time. Today it is really warm and he has put her in a fleecy onesie and long sleeved vest. Last week when it was cold he had her just in a vest.

I've spoken to him about it and he just gets defensive saying I worry too much. I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person, but it feels he is the opposite end and I feel there is a middle ground. After talking and him not listening again and again i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to, seen as his instincts are totally off and I've done him a chart so he can remember what he needs to do each day and roughly when. He initially said it was really helpful and thanked me. But despite him putting it up he definitely doesn't use it as nothing has changed.

I just want to smash his phone up as it is the sole reason all of this is happening, I'm sure of it. It just feels like he does the bare minimum.

Am I worrying for no reason or am I right to be concerned (please note I never had these concerns when my dad was goinf to look after her, as he tends to anticipates her every need).

OP posts:

nutbrownhare15 · 07/04/2020 17:02

Well said OP

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 17:04

Pondlife87

Well I apologise for the shower comment but I still don't know whether your dd has lunch at 11.30 or 1.30 when you are looking after her.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 17:06

He has looked after her today

Well that's a relief.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 17:06

he has looked after her well and played with her too
Posted too soon.

Eggcited · 07/04/2020 17:07

Clavinova

Why the fixation on when the OPs daughter ate her lunch? You may not know what time she ate, but we do know that her father has been neglectful.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 17:15

we do know that her father has been neglectful

We only know what we've been told - I thought the two hour lunch window was inconsistent with, "'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago."

It appears to be sorted now anyway - no need for social services just yet.

MontysOarlock · 07/04/2020 17:34

@Clavinova the 2 hour lunch window is you go off cues from your child rather than having a set time to eat. I think the 15 minutes bit was the OP saying that for her, reading the cues from her DD, she would have made her her lunch at that point. Then hoping her Dh would read those cues she stood back. Eventually making the lunch herself. I would have told him to make her lunch.

I am a SAHM and you can become attuned to your child's needs possibly more so than the person who has to go out to work for the vast majority of the day. Dh was completely hands on but sometimes missed cues. He was happy for me to say I think Ds needs his nap and explain why that is. Babies change so much in the first year, you have to move with the cues.

But him not changing his DD's nappies and failing to feed her is neglect.

To the poster who said shorts in winter, in school that would be marked down as a safeguarding issue, same with children who come to school in forecast pouring rain with no coat, or in winter with no coat or thin coat, no hat or gloves. And yes we have spares for those children from less favourable socio-economic backgrounds.

OP I am pleased he seems to have done better today. If he doesn't do something, don't step in and do it for him, he needs to still do it himself.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 17:44

MontysOarlock
Yes, I understand - I've got 2 dc myself but the op gave her dh a rota with approximate times - 11.30 or 1.30?

If I had a pound for every time I've seen a toddler with a wet, saggy nappy...

To the poster who said shorts in winter, in school that would be marked down as a safeguarding issue

Not at a private prep school it wouldn't - only on a 'snow day,'

Original poster

Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 17:59

@clavinova
I said BETWEEN 11.30 and 1.30. Not 11.30 OR 1.30. I'm so sorry if my daughter's decision of what time she is hungry between that time frame doesn't meet your expectations. No doubt if i had said 'lunch is at 12' you would have had me for being 'too routined'. You just want an argument.

And I also don't think I posted too soon, as i think the advice I have been given on here has helped guide me in my approach. Plus who knows if it will stick.

And what's with the obsession with commenting on middle class mothers and referring to private prep school?

OP posts:

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 18:26

I said BETWEEN 11.30 and 1.30

Yes, I know - that is what I found inconsistent with your other comments. I suggested that this 2 hour time window might be part of the problem - you think your dh has 'forgotten' to do something but if the times are so flexible on the days that you look after your dd - then why not flexible for him? Perhaps you should agree to narrow the time window by an hour.

I don't want argument with you - other posters keep bringing up the lunch times - I am answering them.

My dc wore shorts in winter until the age of 7 (ds2 is 11) - I found the safeguarding comment amusing.

middle class mothers - not many middle class mothers would be referred to social services if they let their baby/toddler run around covered in chocolate with their nappy hanging down - or feeding them lunch at 2pm - but it happens all the time.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 18:36

I don't want an argument

PleaseStopCrying · 07/04/2020 18:40

Perhaps you should agree to narrow the time window by an hour.

Yes despite having a written schedule to loosly follow the OP should also spoon feed him the exact window in which their child should eat. Or you know he could engage his brain and think hmmm its 12.30 and she is crying I should get the kid some food as she's obviously hungry.

Jeez I can just imagine the comments if a women needed this level of hand holding to parent their own child.

I really hope things improve OP but the cynic in me thinks today was just so you would stop nagging him.

RedHelenB · 07/04/2020 18:49

Shorts in winter woukd only he a safeguarding issue if the child didnt possess a coat or trousers, not if they chose to wear them . Private schools had kids in shorts after all !

Bubbletrouble43 · 07/04/2020 18:55

I agree with fudgebrownie. I would find it impossible to even stay in this relationship. Sorry.

Clavinova · 07/04/2020 18:56

Private schools had kids in shorts after all!
Yes, I know - my dc were at a private school - hence the shorts in winter.

ECBC · 07/04/2020 23:19

It sounds like you have two children OP, have you always had to ‘look after’ your DH in this way? Either he cleans up his act or I would be having a long hard think about what this man is contributing to your child’s life. Neglect is completely unacceptable.

madcatladyforever · 07/04/2020 23:33

Face it, he doesn't care about looking after his child. His phone isn't the cause. his laziness and lack of care for his child is. What the hell is he looking at on his phone, porn, chat lines?

There is no way she is safe with him, please don't go back to work and leave her with him. Would you ever forgive yourself if she choked to death on something or was seriously injured.

Quite honestly I'd leave him as soon as the crisis is over and then think about restarting my career later on. That's what I did as a nurse when I divorced my first husband.

I didn't feel I could work and leave my DS with him as he would have totally neglected him. As it happened he did not get any shared custody he was ordered not to see DS.

There is always bank work in the meantime when you have childcare.

He is fucking useless and always will be, I'm sorry but you have to face facts.

She could be electrocuted, choke, fall, damage herself with sharp objects you can imagine the long list - this cannot be allowed to happen. You cannot risk your precious baby. This is serious.

Lists will not help because he doesn't care and it still won't stop him staring at his phone and neglecting her.

if anything non fatal happens to her are you going to explain to social services why you left her with a man known to neglect her. What if she starts crying and crying. Can he be trusted not to hurt her when you are not there.

Please, please, please don't leave her. Work isn't worth her precious life.

Bumble03 · 07/04/2020 23:33

poor you! I think you will have to give him written instructions and hound him to follow them whilst you’re at home.
Believe me, I think it’s rediculous that you should have to teach a grown man this stuff but your poor kid will end up paying for it if you don’t.
Why don’t you forget to do his laundry, dinner and anything else you do to teach him a lesson!

madcatladyforever · 07/04/2020 23:35

I can tell you as soon as you are out of sight he will revert to neglect. The second you are out of the door.

madcatladyforever · 07/04/2020 23:44

Just five minutes of staring at his phone when you have gone is enough for a baby to choke to death on something.

anniefrangipani · 07/04/2020 23:47

Last month my husband forgot to give our 18mo her morning snack and insisted on taking her on a long walk after I'd pointed out that she was hungry. She got very upset.

Once she was fed and asleep, I took my husband to another room and fucking SCREAMED at him that if he ever neglected her like that again I would divorce him. And I meant it.he apologised to me and to her, and he's not made any more fuck ups since.

But you just.... Keep leaving your baby with him?

All the big supermarkets are hiring. He can fuck off and get a job and you can stay home. Or put the kid in nursery as you're a key worker, where she'll at least be bloody looked after. Something, anything, that isn't his absolute dangerous neglect.

He should be ashamed.

wasIlikethis30yearsago · 08/04/2020 04:09

you think your dh has 'forgotten' to do something but if the times are so flexible on the days that you look after your dd - then why not flexible for him? Perhaps you should agree to narrow the time window by an hour.

Because the child is fucking crying. She gives cues that's she's hungry.

permana · 08/04/2020 04:50

That's really sad that he doesn't actually care that his baby is hungry, tired, wearing a dirty nappy.
The problem is if you leave home the courts will give him access, you can't win.

soannya · 08/04/2020 05:15

I wouldn’t leave my kid with him. He can’t be trusted. The moment you are out of the door he’ll be sat on his phone. There’s something missing. He’s just not right as a parent. Stick to your original plan. Poor you being married to somebody like him. She was chewing cables!

Bellagio40 · 08/04/2020 05:53

How are you in love with this man? His first concern should be the well-being of your child but that clearly is not the case.

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