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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be anxious about leaving 11 month old with husband

170 replies

Pondlife87 · 07/04/2020 11:01

I go back to work in 2 weeks after 11 months maternity leave. I was dreading it anyway, but am now so anxious as i work in a hospital.

Initially the plan was for my baby to be looked after by nursery and my dad which I was totally fine with.....well as fine as you can be.

However my husband is self employed and not working and he will now be looking after her full time.

We've been alternating days looking after her so he can get used to it for 3 weeks.

He forgets to feed her, he forgets to give her milk, he forgets to clean her teeth, he forgets to give her vitamins, he forgets to put her down for naps at appropriate times, he forgets to change her nappy. Not all at the same time, but every time I check in he will have missed about 3 things from the last few hours. She was crying because she was hungry the other day and I said 'it was lunchtime about 15 minutes ago, you probably want to feed her'. I went for a shower and to do some housework and 45 minutes later he still hasn't fed her so i ended up doing it.

She is now crawling and pulling up and I've walked into the room on multiple occasions under his watch to find her chewing ends of plugged in cables (that have been previously put away by me and taken back out by him), eating bits she finds on the floor (I Hoover daily - I don't know how it procreates so much. I had to pull a long piece of thread out which was down her throat) and pulling up on furniture on the other side of the room to him. All because he's too busy on his phone!

He dresses her inappropriately all the time. Today it is really warm and he has put her in a fleecy onesie and long sleeved vest. Last week when it was cold he had her just in a vest.

I've spoken to him about it and he just gets defensive saying I worry too much. I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person, but it feels he is the opposite end and I feel there is a middle ground. After talking and him not listening again and again i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to, seen as his instincts are totally off and I've done him a chart so he can remember what he needs to do each day and roughly when. He initially said it was really helpful and thanked me. But despite him putting it up he definitely doesn't use it as nothing has changed.

I just want to smash his phone up as it is the sole reason all of this is happening, I'm sure of it. It just feels like he does the bare minimum.

Am I worrying for no reason or am I right to be concerned (please note I never had these concerns when my dad was goinf to look after her, as he tends to anticipates her every need).

OP posts:

Eggcited · 08/04/2020 06:30

The moment you are out of the door he’ll be sat on his phone.

I know a lot of posters have said he will have to step up when he's left alone, but the above situation is just as likely, if not more so given his past behaviour.

user1477391263 · 08/04/2020 06:32

If he needs alarms to remind him to do the absolute basics, that means that this child is basically sitting there being ignored for hours.

He is a terrible father.

Monkeynuts18 · 08/04/2020 08:44

I haven’t RTFT so I’m sorry for just barrelling in with my thoughts (which may or may not be useful) but I had a sort of similar situation with my DH. Not as bad - he wouldn’t forget to feed our son or change his nappies (which is totally unacceptable btw) - but he would ignore him and play on his phone a lot.

I sat him down and told him that unless I felt confident he was able and willing to look after our son properly - which extends to playing with him and engaging with him - I wouldn’t be returning to work from maternity leave.

Faced with the prospect of losing my salary and shouldering the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, he stepped up as a parent quite quickly.

Not ideal, but it did work.

Clavinova · 08/04/2020 09:29

The op did say of course;

"I probably should have been fair to him and added in that he does engage with her and play with her. He just does the fun stuff."

and

[he is] "very resistant to accepting any constructive feedback i.e. 'you need to do it now, not later as you'll forget"

Because the child is fucking crying.

Although apparently the op could not hear her crying while she was elsewhere in the house/flat for 45 minutes. I still think it's counter productive to ask her dh to follow a rota if every other day he sees her feed the child lunch any time between 11.30 and 1.30.

tired, wearing a dirty nappy

The op didn't answer my query about the nappy - dirty or a bit puffy with wee? If it's the later - half of the mothers in the country are probably guilty of that.

I don't think she mentioned anything about the child being tired - just "naps at appropriate times" - perhaps she could elaborate on that.

Apparently he forgets all of the things some of the time but not all of the things all of the time. How often does he 'forget' to feed her? I think she only mentioned one occasion.

How often does he forget to clean her teeth? That would be a bugbear with me as well but if he forgets her vitamin drops twice a week I could overlook that quite easily.

She was chewing cables!
May be exaggerated of course - "I admit I am a worst case scenario kind of person".

i decided to print him out an appropriate dress chart to refer to

Another poster suggested leaving out clothes for the child every day - pretty sure I would do that - so much easier.

Dieu · 08/04/2020 11:46

He's her father. He will step up when you're not around to take over.

PleaseStopCrying · 08/04/2020 12:01

He's her father. He will step up when you're not around to take over.

Nothing the OP wrote fills me with the belief that this will happen. Just because he's her father doesn't mean he is capable of being a parent.

In all honesty why should the OP leave her daughter with him in the hope that he pulls his socks up. If he doesn't she wont be there to step in and then her poor daughter is the one left suffering, unfed and in danger. That's a big risk to take on a hope of him stepping up.

OlaEliza · 08/04/2020 12:02

Last month my husband forgot to give our 18mo her morning snack and insisted on taking her on a long walk after I'd pointed out that she was hungry. She got very upset. Once she was fed and asleep, I took my husband to another room and fucking SCREAMED at him that if he ever neglected her like that again I would divorce him.

That's hardly neglect. And you are abusive. It's not acceptable to fucking SCREAM at anyone. Certainly not someone that just has a different schedule to you ffs.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 08/04/2020 12:20

Once she was fed and asleep, I took my husband to another room and fucking SCREAMED at him that if he ever neglected her like that again I would divorce him

Your behaviour was shocking. That kind of behaviour is going to do more damage to your child than forgetting to give her a snack. I actually can't believe you SCREAMED at your husband over it.

dreamingbohemian · 08/04/2020 12:50

OP I think the problem is that you normalised your husband's behaviour before having a child, and now you are seriously under-reacting to his faults.

I am actually struggling to understand why you would stay with someone who, on the one hand, cannot even take care of himself (you have to feed him??) and yet at the same time is so arrogant that you cannot pull him up on any mistakes.That is a really horrible situation to be in anyway, let alone adding a child to the mix.

The things you have listed here not feeding her, not changing her, not dressing her appropriately, letting her chew on wires and swallow objects are shocking. You cannot leave her with him, you just can't. You need to get a nursery place or let your father provide childcare. And long-term, you need to rethink staying in this relationship.

Worriedmum54321 · 08/04/2020 12:59

If OP leaves him he will have sole charge of the child every week...how will that help?
I think he needs to be left to work out his own way of doing things, assuming he loves his daughter and wants to look after her.
It's difficult because with very young babies especially if they are breastfed, the mother is bound to do more or at least decide how things are done, just due to biology. I think mothers have more of an instinct for looking after a newborn. Then by the time dad comes to do more, it's hard for mums to trust them.
The more the mum micromanages, the less the dad feels like bothering.

hesgotit · 08/04/2020 13:00

*If he was that terrible you wouldn't of had a child with him in the first place. Plus i found with my twins that once they get to 2 or 3 it is much easier for the dads to bond and do things with them.

At 11 months they are still so young and i think the dads are unsure how to bond with them at that age*

This is utter bullshit, many women have children with dreadful men. And unless I'm mistaken isn't part of being a father being able to not neglect an 11 month old?

Your standards of it will be alright about the age of 2/3 are so low it's untrue.

I would be asking him to leave after lockdown is over, he sounds awful.

hesgotit · 08/04/2020 13:04

If OP leaves him he will have sole charge of the child every week...how will that help?

Plan A, nursery and her father!

PleaseStopCrying · 08/04/2020 13:11

If OP leaves him he will have sole charge of the child every week...how will that help?

I assume you mean leave as in end the relationship? Im not sure he would get sole charge access if hes incapable of looking after her to the extent OP has described. If this man cannot even remember to feed himself he certainly shouldn't be in sole care of a child.

schafernaker · 08/04/2020 13:16

DH is great with DD but puts her in the most awful combination of clothes. This is easily sorted- before I go to bed every night I lay out an outfit for DD. Whoever is up first and dresses her then doesn’t have to worry 🤷🏻‍♀️ The other stuff I think it’ll just be a matter of the more he does it the better he gets

Monkeynuts18 · 08/04/2020 14:23

Last month my husband forgot to give our 18mo her morning snack and insisted on taking her on a long walk after I'd pointed out that she was hungry. She got very upset.

Once she was fed and asleep, I took my husband to another room and fucking SCREAMED at him that if he ever neglected her like that again I would divorce him. And I meant it.he apologised to me and to her, and he's not made any more fuck ups since.*

And you’re proud of that?

If my husband behaved like that towards me I would consider that domestic abuse.

Your poor child, growing up in an abusive household!

arethereanyleftatall · 08/04/2020 15:25

@anniefrangipani
I hope you're joking.
If my spouse ever abused me as you did your husband, I would seek divorce. No questions.

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2020 15:42

Probably too busy planning his escape.

Bubbletrouble43 · 08/04/2020 22:30

Schafemaker yes my dp dressed our 3 yo twins in 3 - yes 3!!! - different patterns the other day. Leggings, cardigans, dresses, all different clashing patterns. Why can't they match outfits? It bewilders me.

schafernaker · 09/04/2020 00:09

@Bubbletrouble43 oh I feel your pain 😂😂 we have had similar situations.

I was somewhat shocked last week when I hadn’t put anything out and he placed her in patterned leggings but a plain tshirt. She looked pretty trendy! I think it was just whatever was on top of the leggings and tshirt piles 😂

JRUIN · 10/04/2020 19:52

You laid into your DH like that over a fucking snack??? Wow! You are an abusive bully and I feel far more sorry for your child than I do OP's.

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