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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my ex contact until the lockdown is over?

149 replies

happylittletree · 06/04/2020 13:54

We do not have a formal contact order in place, but we usually do an EOW schedule. He has not seen our 4 year old son since the lockdown began but he is insisting that we arrange contact, I think mostly because he wants to spend Easter with our son and get the joy of Easter morning.

Here are the key considerations:

  • neither of us has a car, so we would need Uber or public transportation.
  • he was emotionally abusive and very controlling about money when we were together.
  • our son doesn't apparently want to see him. When we were together, he took little interest in spending time with our son.
  • my employer has been understanding about my need to parent, but I am still expected to work at least part time. I have been fitting in working from home where I can.
  • I do not know whether his employer would allow him any flexibility. As far as I know, he is pretending to the world that we are still together.
  • My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours. This also enables me to work when my son is at theirs. However, neither my sister's family nor my son and I are socialising with anyone else at all. My sister's partner is vulnerable, so If I let my son see his father, he won't be allowed to go there anymore.
  • My ex's mate was crashing with him before the lockdown and now he has nowhere else to go (long story). His mate spends lots of time outside each day. So my son would be exposed to a higher risk of the virus at my ex's house.

My ex wants to have our son for three days every week including the weekend.

I think that it would probably be better for my son not to go to his dad at all right now, but I am considering saying that we have to do a week on and a week off.

OP posts:
ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 06/04/2020 14:03

Whilst you may think of that you have a whole list of reasons why your son shouldn’t see his dad, you can’t keep him away indefinitely. Just imagine if he kept your son from you and you had no say in it.

A while back, there was a goady thread about a sm and dad deciding to keep the child after visitation as the mum was a key worker and therefore, posed more of a risk. The thread was eventually deleted but the outrage that they kept the child away was immense. I don’t see this as being any different. Your ex has respected your wishes for 3 weeks now, but there is no end in sight and he wants to see his son.

On another note, your ds should not be going to your sisters. The fact that her dp is vulnerable is why the guidelines say households shouldn’t mix. However, guidelines do state that children can move between households where parents are separated.

Worriedmum54321 · 06/04/2020 14:07

I think you should stick to your previous every other weekend schedule. Nothing in what you have said seems a valid reason for changing it. Perhaps the lack of transport would be the only possible reason. But if you can get a taxi then that would be a reasonable solution. The work and cousin issues are inconvenient but not a reason to stop your son seeing his father

Honeyroar · 06/04/2020 14:08

The government has said that parents with two families can move between homes, so technically you can’t refuse him. However it would be better and safer if he could stay with you until the lockdown is over. Could you find ways to compromise? FaceTime? Promise a long stay with his dad when it’s over?

I’m assuming that your sister’s household and yours are locking down as though one if you’re letting the children move between houses?

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:09

I consider a taxi to be quite dangerous. It will be crawling with germs. My son and I would be in an enclosed space where we can't avoid touching things for 30+ minutes for the journey. This is one of my primary considerations.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 06/04/2020 14:09

I'm afraid you are applying double standards here. You are not keeping to the guidelines by letting your son 'quietly' go next door, but you object to your exs friend who is going out 'a lot'.. How do you know by the way? The ex being controlling etc is irrelevant unless it's been a reason to stop contact in the past. The travel is more of an issue to be honest but a private hire cab and good hygiene should mitigate the risk. As this could go on for months, YABU

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:10

@Honeyroar Yes, my sister's household and I have been acting as one. No outsiders allowed and we are even sharing food deliveries etc.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 06/04/2020 14:11

In the cab, you use a wipe on the door handle, sit your bum on the seat and keep your hands on your lap. Keep your son entertained and have wipes ready to wipe his, hands if he does touch the door or window. Does your sister drive.. Could she take him while you watch her kids?

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:11

@HugeAckmansWife I can see the argument that there is a double standard, but the mate is definitely not being careful like my sister's family. I know from social media and things my ex has said that the friend has not been following the rules of going out once a day for a short time only. He also does not have the same incentive as my sister, who has children and a vulnerable spouse at home.

OP posts:
Theuselessone · 06/04/2020 14:12

Absolutely agree with PP. Your son is four and should be allowed to see his father as there is no end in sight. You can ask him to take all precautions but unless he poses a danger to you or your son he should go and see his father. It's awful and scary for everyone at this time but to full stop deny one parent the right to see their child isnt right.

Fantasiaa · 06/04/2020 14:12

Unless he also agrees, you can’t technically refuse him. This is because the government has said contact can continue.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:13

No, my sister doesn't drive either.

What about what I have said about a week on/off? My ex wants to be able to work all week and to shaft me with working at the weekend only. (He has always considered my job to be unimportant compared to his).

OP posts:
clareOclareO · 06/04/2020 14:14

You have to let him go. This could go on for months, you cannot withhold access especially as the govt has specifically said it's fine.

june2007 · 06/04/2020 14:15

Think about it, how would you feal if the boot was on the other foor. And regards bonding. The child won,t bond if he doen,t get to see his dad.

RandomMess · 06/04/2020 14:15

I would go "yes of course we can go back to EOW once you and everyone in your household has self-isolated for 14 days. I presume x is still staying with you? Is he going to move out or strictly adhere to the social distancing rules as I'm aware he hasn't so far?"

If it's only ever been EOW then that is how it remains.

I would liaise with your employer about working hours on the weekends you don't have your DS.

Tessaraqt · 06/04/2020 14:16

I do think you'd be being really unreasonable and you aren't thinking about what is in your son's best interest here, you're only thinking about yourself.

The right for a child to see both parents trumps the chance that you could get what will be a very mild illness for most people. You don't want your son to see his own father, so that you can make your own life easier and carry on seeing your sister.
No - you do what everyone else is doing, and ensure your child's best interests are at heart and let him see both parents, and that means you can't see your sister anymore.

RandomMess · 06/04/2020 14:17

I agree with the use of public transport would majorly bother me.

No way would I agree to every weekend after a EOW pattern either, no doubt he would want to reduce his maintenance accordingly.

Honestly with an abusive ex and no formal contact in place I would 100% feel like you.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 06/04/2020 14:19

My son isn't seeing his father or grandparents during lockdown.

He lives in a shared house on the other side of town and he doesn't drive.

Didn't even consider sending him for visitation or allowing him in the house.

You have to do what's best for your child.

Shouldn't be visiting your sister, though.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:22

@Crackers My son is dying for time to play with other children, so that appears to me to be in his best interest.

Another factor is that I'm afraid that he will be miserable in his father's house. He constantly sends our son to nursery unwashed, and the nursery workers comment that he doesn't even seem happy to see his father when he picks him up from nursery.

OP posts:
namechanger2019 · 06/04/2020 14:23

Wow. So many people on here using coronavirus and their kids as a way to control and punish their ex. You say he is controlling but you are coming across the controlling one in this case.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:26

@namechanger2019 this comment is not helpful. How do I come across as controlling?

The only reason his father even has him all weekend currently is because I have insisted on it.

OP posts:
Catmaiden · 06/04/2020 14:27

I wouldn't even think about this proposal until the lockdown situation is lifted. Face Time/Zoom/Skype etc are your friends here.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:30

Also, it seems likely to me that the government's exception for visitation assumes that parents can transport their children in private cars so that their exposure to the virus is minimised. I have read additional advice that states that parents may allow visitation but are not required to do so depending on the various risks at play.

OP posts:
Oxyiz · 06/04/2020 14:30

Honestly I'd be saying that we had symptoms and needed to self isolate for 14 days. After all, we might be in a different place in a few weeks, and a few weeks will not destroy or affect their long-term relationship in any way.

Unlike the pp, I don't think you're being controlling or selfish in not wanting your son exposed like that, and from what you've written it sounds like your ex is just using this to continue his abuse of you.

justmyview · 06/04/2020 14:31

My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours

FFS, what's wrong with you? We need a proper lock down, and the sooner the better

cerealmilk · 06/04/2020 14:32

I don’t see a problem with you and your sister treating your houses as “one” at the moment. I think it’s a great idea under the circumstances.

But it’ll have to stop when your son sees his father though.

I would also be inclined to say what RandomMess suggested:

I would go "yes of course we can go back to EOW once you and everyone in your household has self-isolated for 14 days. I presume x is still staying with you? Is he going to move out or strictly adhere to the social distancing rules as I'm aware he hasn't so far?"

But I think a black cab - wearing gloves etc - would be okay.

And yeah, you’ll have to give up your shared time with your sister and her kids when that starts. That’s really sad though, sorry OP.