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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my ex contact until the lockdown is over?

149 replies

happylittletree · 06/04/2020 13:54

We do not have a formal contact order in place, but we usually do an EOW schedule. He has not seen our 4 year old son since the lockdown began but he is insisting that we arrange contact, I think mostly because he wants to spend Easter with our son and get the joy of Easter morning.

Here are the key considerations:

  • neither of us has a car, so we would need Uber or public transportation.
  • he was emotionally abusive and very controlling about money when we were together.
  • our son doesn't apparently want to see him. When we were together, he took little interest in spending time with our son.
  • my employer has been understanding about my need to parent, but I am still expected to work at least part time. I have been fitting in working from home where I can.
  • I do not know whether his employer would allow him any flexibility. As far as I know, he is pretending to the world that we are still together.
  • My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours. This also enables me to work when my son is at theirs. However, neither my sister's family nor my son and I are socialising with anyone else at all. My sister's partner is vulnerable, so If I let my son see his father, he won't be allowed to go there anymore.
  • My ex's mate was crashing with him before the lockdown and now he has nowhere else to go (long story). His mate spends lots of time outside each day. So my son would be exposed to a higher risk of the virus at my ex's house.

My ex wants to have our son for three days every week including the weekend.

I think that it would probably be better for my son not to go to his dad at all right now, but I am considering saying that we have to do a week on and a week off.

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 06/04/2020 14:33

No if your gut feeling tells you that it is not in Ds best interests then trust that, and do not send Ds to x's. If he is emotionally abusive and pretending you are still together I am not surprised staff notice Ds doesnt appear happy to have visited his Dad. If Ds is not feeling settled and safe and others are noticing this, that is not a good sign.

PleaseStopCrying · 06/04/2020 14:34

I will never understand threads like this. If you don't think you are being unreasonable then why bother to ask?

I personally would allow him to see his son, can you honestly say you would be happy not seeing him for an unspecified amount of time until this is all over?

x2boys · 06/04/2020 14:34

I doubt the nursery staff would make such an unprofessional comment ,certainly not to the other parent Hmm

saraclara · 06/04/2020 14:35

Total double standard going on here. Imagine that your son had been with his father when lockdown started, and that you're ex used it as an excuse for him not to come back to you.

His side of it would be "she's not respecting lockdown and letting him go next door to play with his cousin"

Whoareyoudududu · 06/04/2020 14:35

My older DC won’t be seeing their Dad until it all ends which he has accepted and is fine with, he FaceTimes once a week. He lives 30 miles away and doesn’t drive so it would either be a 60 mile round trip for me (I’m pregnant so high risk) or a train journey which is beyond risky right now. My DC honestly aren’t phased by it, they never like spending time with him and never stay overnight anyway so they haven’t been bothered. The travelling and spending time with him and his GF and her DC in their house just completely goes against government guidelines.

okiedokieme · 06/04/2020 14:36

Your ex has every right to see his dc whereas you are breaking the law letting your son play with his cousins. I suggest that contact over Easter (no work) is a good opportunity for your son to see his father

Whoareyoudududu · 06/04/2020 14:37

I also know my friend has her stepson for the foreseeable because they’re in a similar situation, his Mum lives in a different city and whilst both parties drive the travelling and splitting time between two houses just isn’t worth the overall risk.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:38

@x2boys are you suggesting that I am lying? I thought that it was quite unprofessional, but they did indeed say it to me.

@PleaseStopCrying of course I wouldn't be happy to see my son for all that time. However, my son and I are very close. He is extremely dependent on me. This isn't about what's best for my ex, it's about what is best for my son.

OP posts:
Monsterjam · 06/04/2020 14:41

So you are happy to insist on every other weekend

Monsterjam · 06/04/2020 14:42

.... usually but now your sons happiness is important. You sound like you are being incredibly unfair on this man and more importantly your son

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 14:43

I have tried to simplify the situation in the OP. There are some other factors that I haven't mentioned that might be relevant.

My son doesn't have his own bed at my ex's place. He just has to share with ex. I think that my ex may put a mattress on the floor for him to use if he stays for longer, however.

My ex has presented a bunch of hare-brained options that seem mostly to be motivated to getting me to move back to his place. I am not 100% convinced that my ex actually cares about seeing our son that much.

OP posts:
PleaseStopCrying · 06/04/2020 14:43

This isn't about what's best for my ex, it's about what is best for my son.

Surely it's in your sons best interests to have a relationship with his father too? What if this goes on until next year are you honestly saying he won't see his son for all that time? How is that going to help them develop their relationship?

Monsterjam · 06/04/2020 14:46

All of these “reasons” just loom silly when you usually allow contact in normal circumstances

Monsterjam · 06/04/2020 14:46

*look

TiredofSM · 06/04/2020 14:49

@justmyview you beat me to it!

TiredofSM · 06/04/2020 14:52

It’s ok for OP to break the rules and expose her child to another households germs, but it’s not ok for her ex.

Oxyiz · 06/04/2020 14:53

This level of lockdown won't go on for a year!

OP, you know your ex best. Don't put your child in harm's way because of some people on mumsnet who wouldn't care less if he was sick or not.

LellyMcKelly · 06/04/2020 14:57

No, he has as much right to see his child as you do, and more rights to see him than your sister or cousin. You need to find a solution that allows him reasonable access with appropriate safeguards in place. Can you imagine if it was the other way round and you hadn’t seen your son for three weeks and had no prospect of seeing him in the near future?

drspouse · 06/04/2020 15:01

I don't see anything wrong with making two houses into one household. My parents are both in their 70s, divorced but amicable, and they are effectively one household. I'm really pleased as they can therefore look after each other if one gets ill.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:03

My main concern is that if he sees my ex EOW only, then I will be able to do literally no work and my son will lose his social contact with his peers.

If he sees my ex every weekend, we will all be exposed to a higher risk of catching the virus because he will be traveling twice every week.

If he sees my ex for a week at a time, then he is likely to be miserable. He has literally never shown any excitement about seeing his father. The last time he saw his father, he turned to me in front of his dad at drop off and said he doesn't want to go there anymore.

OP posts:
PleaseStopCrying · 06/04/2020 15:04

This level of lockdown won't go on for a year!

I never said it would but its reasonable to assume it will continue for quite a while yet and therefore the OP needs to start working with her ex to sort out an arrangement.

She cannot just unilateray decide he cannot see his son for an unspecified amount of time. Imagine if it did last until next year he would be a virtual stanger by the time his mother let him see his dad. The fact is we dont know how long it will last but its not unreasonable to asume its not ending any time soon.

Its also hugely hypocritical for the OP to say she wouldn't cope not seeing him but her ex is expected to do just that.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:04

*at drop off to me, after the visit

OP posts:
Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:04

Additionally, my ex is welcome to arrange a video chat literally any time, but he only does this if I ask him to.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 06/04/2020 15:06

I don’t think it’s fair prioritising your son going to his cousins to him going to his fathers. You should be encouraging their relationship if they are not close. That’s the best thing you can do for your son. You’re breaking the lock down rules too. Double standards

Poppi89 · 06/04/2020 15:08

How far away does he live? If he had your son for 3 days a week could you ask your employer to work only those 3 days?

Yes you are putting your son at risk but apart from the journey there and back there is not a lot you can do as he is his dad and has every right to see him as much as you. If he is a crap parent then I can see him reducing the amount of time he sees him anyway especially now that he isn't going to nursery etc.