To refuse my ex contact until the lockdown is over?

[happylittletree]

We do not have a formal contact order in place, but we usually do an EOW schedule. He has not seen our 4 year old son since the lockdown began but he is insisting that we arrange contact, I think mostly because he wants to spend Easter with our son and get the joy of Easter morning.

Here are the key considerations:

• neither of us has a car, so we would need Uber or public transportation.

• he was emotionally abusive and very controlling about money when we were together.

• our son doesn't apparently want to see him. When we were together, he took little interest in spending time with our son.

• my employer has been understanding about my need to parent, but I am still expected to work at least part time. I have been fitting in working from home where I can.

• I do not know whether his employer would allow him any flexibility. As far as I know, he is pretending to the world that we are still together.

• My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours. This also enables me to work when my son is at theirs. However, neither my sister's family nor my son and I are socialising with anyone else at all. My sister's partner is vulnerable, so If I let my son see his father, he won't be allowed to go there anymore.

• My ex's mate was crashing with him before the lockdown and now he has nowhere else to go (long story). His mate spends lots of time outside each day. So my son would be exposed to a higher risk of the virus at my ex's house.

My ex wants to have our son for three days every week including the weekend.

I think that it would probably be better for my son not to go to his dad at all right now, but I am considering saying that we have to do a week on and a week off.

You definitely should say no. Your child will not be less at risk by staying for a week at a time.

it seems most on here seem to think the father's right to see his child trumps this. Sad really.
It really does.

So guidance doesn’t apply to you when you want some childcare and for your son to play with children from an entirely separate household, yet guidance applies when you want to keep your son from his dad which I only punishing him?

I am absolutely gobsmacked, you are being reckless and controlling.

I would probably be quite iffy in the same situation, however it does make you seem slightly hypocritical that you are flouting the rules in other areas while being rigid when it comes to the childs father. It sounds like this guy is not a good dad at all, however, that would be an issue even without lockdown, and it kind of seems that you want the child to go there, despite him being shite, when its convenient for you..so surely he cannot be that bad? I would not be impressed sending my child somewhere with a random adult who was carrying on as normal though..

The rules with separated parents don't really make much sense to me tbh. Either we need to not mix households, or its ok, should surely be one or the other? Our stepkids have not been here for a fortnight due to this, despite the 'rules' saying it is ok. Their mum is terrified that they pass it on to our DD who has asthma, so refuses to send them as she would feel guilty, which I understand. Just seems odd, that under no circumstances can households mix, except if parents are separated, then carry on.

So your husband is using DS as a pawn ?

The PM being sent to ICU is exactly why I'm so anxious about transporting my son in some kind of dodgy vehicle. He has responded very badly to respiratory illness in the past and it is horrifying to imagine something happening to him.

You’re quite clearly not going to let your son see his father, despite the fact you’ve repeatedly been breaking the rules yourself.

You won’t find people telling you that playing this game with your child is ok. There is a reason that child contact is acceptable under the lockdown rules and that’s because it’s not fair to your child for them not to see their father.

Make your decision and then own it, but don’t pretend it’s something that it’s not. You’re either so concerned about your son you’re following the rules to the letter, or your are using this as an excuse to block contact at a time that suits you.

This thing could drag out for months, to put a stop to contact for that length of time is ridiculous.

Purlease you are using this as an excuse to justify withholding contact from their father. You are also being hypocritical by mixing households with your sister.

The welfare of your Ds comes first, 1/avoid increased risk of contact COVID19 2/ avoid Dh if emotionally abusive
Your household -you & Ds and cousins next door, are all self isolating since lockdown, no other contacts.
Your Dh household- Dh and flatmate, has greater risk of contact with COVID19 , not self isolating

If others are noticing your Ds is consistantly unhappy visiting Dh , and Dh has form for being emotionally abusive, avoid.

The PM being sent to ICU is exactly why I'm so anxious about transporting my son in some kind of dodgy vehicle. He has responded very badly to respiratory illness in the past and it is horrifying to imagine something happening to him

And yet you're happy to completely dismiss the rules on not mixing households just because your child wants to play with his cousins? Sheesh, talk about double standards. One day in the future your selfish decisions will come back and bite you.

Once again ... if two housesholds are self isolating together, the risk is absolutely minimal.

If it helps you to picture it in a different way, imagine that they're living in one house, but with a wall through the middle.

Why does he want 3 days a week and for how long?

This place is so strange usually you would be getting
"if he wants to see him then he can go to court and no he can't just demand that every week he get's 3 days access without a discussion at the very least"
and
"Is it in the childs best interests to be shuttled about so much and have their routine turned to even shittier just because dads bored and fancies an excuse to go out and break the monotony?"

Not too difficult too work out that's what it is, he's bored and stuck inside. If he genuinely wanted him weekly it would have come up before now.

I think the sun bought the vipers out from under their rocks if the responses you've had are anything to go by.

happylittletree

I mean that by the end of this with you stopping contact the next claim will be that as they haven't seen each other for so long you will either say
1/ take it slow and rebuild contact
or
2/ Your DS will say he doesn't want to go and as its been such a long time can you stop contact.

To the posters screamin hypocrite EH?
Claiming that her locked down son visiting her locked down sister and her vulnerable partner next door are the same as the Two men not adhering to lockdown at all is batshit and bitchy. Nothing else.

Demanding the right to share his germs (and his mates and his mates mates germs and the people him and his mates mates mate have mixed with too) twice a week means he WILL bring CV to the OPs house at some point.

Why do some of you think he has the inalienable right to do that?

To the posters screamin hypocrite EH?
Claiming that her locked down son visiting her locked down sister and her vulnerable partner next door are the same as the Two men not adhering to lockdown at all is batshit and bitchy. Nothing else.

Absolutly this ^

They are not one household with a dividing wall. They are two. What if someone picks up the virus off e.g. contaminated delivery packaging? Two households will now be exposed to the virus as opposed to one.

OP YABU to decide that the rules only apply when convenient to you.

Quietly allowing him to go next door
Oh well as long as you're quiet about it

YABVU and looking for every single excuse under the sun to deny contact. You’ve clearly made up your mind anyway. Each post is just another reason as to why it’s unsafe for your son.

You believe you have listed lots of reasons your son shouldn't have contact with his dad. But many of these arent reasons at all.

"He was EA and controlling of you"... Unless he did this directly to your son it has nothing to do with contact.

Your employer is expecting you to work...well, your son going to his dads will help that.

You dont know how flexible his employer is...not your problem to sort.

You are allowing your son to go between households already,going between yours and your sisters. So you're completely cancelling out your excuse of not going between houses in my eyes.

Your ex wants his son 3 days a week...GREAT! He wants to be an active parent!

You are treating this situation like your son is yours alone. Sorry. That's not the case. This man has as much right to see his son as you do.

Stop making excuses and parent properly.

@Frankola obviously these aren't all reasons he shouldn't see his dad. That's why I called them considerations. Some weigh in favour of seeing his father.

Nothing you’ve said suggests your son would be at additional risk during lockdown. He’s 4 and his opinion wouldn’t be considered by any court, he’s not old enough to make reasoned decisions.
Facilitate contact and if your ex lets him down, you can always look your son in his eyes and tell him you did everything to ensure a relationship.

I offered him a week on / week off or one week with him and two with me and he refused. He said that he can't do his job and look after our son at the same time. He says he can only have our son during the weekend.

If your son can see your sister and cousin because it's convenient for you (even though it's expressly against the guidelines) then he can see his father.

Your relationship should have no bearing on this.