To refuse my ex contact until the lockdown is over?

[happylittletree]

We do not have a formal contact order in place, but we usually do an EOW schedule. He has not seen our 4 year old son since the lockdown began but he is insisting that we arrange contact, I think mostly because he wants to spend Easter with our son and get the joy of Easter morning.

Here are the key considerations:

• neither of us has a car, so we would need Uber or public transportation.

• he was emotionally abusive and very controlling about money when we were together.

• our son doesn't apparently want to see him. When we were together, he took little interest in spending time with our son.

• my employer has been understanding about my need to parent, but I am still expected to work at least part time. I have been fitting in working from home where I can.

• I do not know whether his employer would allow him any flexibility. As far as I know, he is pretending to the world that we are still together.

• My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours. This also enables me to work when my son is at theirs. However, neither my sister's family nor my son and I are socialising with anyone else at all. My sister's partner is vulnerable, so If I let my son see his father, he won't be allowed to go there anymore.

• My ex's mate was crashing with him before the lockdown and now he has nowhere else to go (long story). His mate spends lots of time outside each day. So my son would be exposed to a higher risk of the virus at my ex's house.

My ex wants to have our son for three days every week including the weekend.

I think that it would probably be better for my son not to go to his dad at all right now, but I am considering saying that we have to do a week on and a week off.

Also, my concern about working is that I have to support myself and my son. I don't want to put my job in jeopardy so that my son can see his father (at heightened risk) in these extraordinary times. My ex has certainly signaled to me that he won't compromise his job to look after our son.

I think you should go with your gut instinct on this one, and on what your son is saying to you. I have been through similar and people who haven't, don't understand. The one week on, one week off idea is terrible, for the above reasons. @fizzygreenwater has a point about telling him to provide a bed, I would agree he needs to show he is up to the job of parenting before anything changes. It seems to me that the system you have in place now is working well for you, why not keep it like it is?

You need to go to court to get contact sorted out and formally agreed. Then you both know where you stand and, more importantly, so will your DS. Rather than arguing, you need a fair agreement and this can only be achieved by going to court.

I'm in a similar position op and not allowing contact as i am vulnerable and i know ex is flouting the rules by seeing friends and hus gf. There is no point me living in a bubble climbing the walls while my ds gets exposed because of his fathers selfishness.

You are being unfair

Being "emotionally" abusive gets thrown around a lot on MN - and without knowing ALL the facts we cannot judge your ex partner on whether he actually was or not (just by virtue of him being a man does not automatically make him an abuser)

You are being emotionally abusive and controlling by refusing to let him see his child

Many men become better fathers once the children are older. There are many years to come when he might even be a better patent than you. You could find yourself grateful that he has him ft when he's a teenager. It's amazing how cute 4yo can become nightmare 14yo!

Any child deserves a chance to build a strong bond with both parents even if they're not deemed perfect by the other at some point in the child life.

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

I had an assessment from a DV agency and they felt he was emotionally abusive. Same with Women's Aid. He made my life a terror for years.

But he would be allowed to see his son. You wouldn’t need to get involved other than at handover. I would still recommend you get it sorted.

OP regardless of whether people think your wrong or right you (and others) need to remember that you are going to be overly worried/scared because of everything thats happening.
There were many parents who chose to keep their kids off school even though people said they were wrong to etc. You really need to think about exactly why you don't want him to go and what the effects of him going/not going will be.
To be honest, he doesn't sound that interested and I doubt will want him for a full week after the first time but at least that will be on him and you can always say you tried it.

4 year olds are very susceptible to the resident parent saying it’s not worth seeing daddy and using negative words about any visits. They are not old enough to weigh up the pros and cons of visiting. The views of a 4 year old don’t carry much weight in court due to this. If I was the dad I would want this sorted out.

I don't say negative things about his father or visiting

Your list Op is all about you!

Plus if he was seeing him EOW, most of your points are pointless.

Your stopping contact out of spite.

Also contact isn't about what's good for your ex or you.
It's about your son!

My list is primarily about the risk of my son being exposed to the virus via public transportation and my ex's friend

Why bother asking on here OP as you seem determined not to let your son see his father.

You are breaking the rules by quietly letting your son mix with his cousins. Let’s hope your other neighbours or your ex don’t report you.

You both have to work and I don’t see why one parent should have it better than the other. I would suggest one of you has your son the beginning of the week and the other the back end of the week and then you both have to sacrifice weekdays and you can both get some work done. If your ex can’t see how you having to work is a priority then he is an idiot. Where does he think the money to keep a roof over his head come from. You both need to compromise and if he won’t then did him, you have to put food on the table one way or another.

You have said a lot about your ex that you don’t like and children pick up on this. You might not say directly to your DS that his daddy is controlling and emotionally abusing but your dislike of him will be underlying your parenting decisions.

Sod him*

My main concern is.....my son will lose his social contact with his peers.

He shouldn’t BE having social contact with ANY peers!

He was controlling about money?... what's that got to do with anything...

The fact that you probably made sure you post didn't make you sound bad but still has.

Mixing households is NOT OKAY.

Why are people still refusing to believe the guidance doesn't apply to them?!

The fact that you probably made sure you post didn't make you sound bad but still has

?

People are going nuts over mixing households. She isn’t, okay? They’re treating them as one household!

OP, the more I read your updates, the more your ex sounds like a twat. I would suggest you ask him if he’s been isolating for two weeks (knowing he’s got a friend there) and when said friend goes, if that friend is going out, you can do one week on, one week off with your son.

Good luck, sounds like a really rough situation.

the more your ex sounds like a twat

In all fairness the OP wants him to sound like a twat as that would add weight to her argument.

Just remember we are only reading one side of the story. Im sure if he posted here saying the OP was allowing their son to mix with family who don't live with them and yet not allowing him to see his child people would probably draw the conclusion that the OP was a twat.

Yes your son may not have contact with his father for a few weeks but at least you will all be alive and not taking unnecessary risks on public transport. But it seems most on here seem to think the father's right to see his child trumps this. Sad really.