To refuse my ex contact until the lockdown is over?

[happylittletree]

We do not have a formal contact order in place, but we usually do an EOW schedule. He has not seen our 4 year old son since the lockdown began but he is insisting that we arrange contact, I think mostly because he wants to spend Easter with our son and get the joy of Easter morning.

Here are the key considerations:

• neither of us has a car, so we would need Uber or public transportation.

• he was emotionally abusive and very controlling about money when we were together.

• our son doesn't apparently want to see him. When we were together, he took little interest in spending time with our son.

• my employer has been understanding about my need to parent, but I am still expected to work at least part time. I have been fitting in working from home where I can.

• I do not know whether his employer would allow him any flexibility. As far as I know, he is pretending to the world that we are still together.

• My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours. This also enables me to work when my son is at theirs. However, neither my sister's family nor my son and I are socialising with anyone else at all. My sister's partner is vulnerable, so If I let my son see his father, he won't be allowed to go there anymore.

• My ex's mate was crashing with him before the lockdown and now he has nowhere else to go (long story). His mate spends lots of time outside each day. So my son would be exposed to a higher risk of the virus at my ex's house.

My ex wants to have our son for three days every week including the weekend.

I think that it would probably be better for my son not to go to his dad at all right now, but I am considering saying that we have to do a week on and a week off.

You're going to get flamed by the mumsnet police for daring to allow the cousins to see each other. You might as well be a MURDERER.

Actually I'm with you on the two household thing.. If between you you are only doing one shop and seeing no-one outside of your walls then you are effectively one household with your party wall being no different to an interior wall in one house. However, if your son does, see his dad, with the outward bound housemate and public transport etc then it would be responsible for you to then end the contact with your sisters household. I'm actually not in the 'contact at all costs' camp and I can see how you don't want to disrupt the routine that is working for you and your son now, but it's a tough one. I wouldn't put your son not wanting to see him as big issue right now, he's 4, though that may change. I think it would be reasonable to ask your ex how he intends to mitigate the risk his housemate poses and what he proposes re transport. Put the ball in his court.

@PleaseStopCrying is right.

You're projecting your dislike for your ex and your son visiting him onto your son and that's why he doesn't want to go, or makes it seem like he doesn't want to go.

I did the exact same thing to my daughter and I immensely regret it. Thankfully it's behind us now and I managed to get my head out my arse and start encouraging her to see her Dad but it took me a while.

Take it from me, it's a lot harder to reverse than it is to cause issues. He needs to see his Dad and you need to facilitate it rather than look for excuses to keep them apart.

*Bear in mind that people here are thinking of their own relationships, and not having to hand a tiny four year old off to someone they don't want to see, who clearly doesn't give a shit.

Just because someone's a parent doesn't mean they're any good at it, and sometimes you have to try and protect the child first.*

I agree with this and would feel horrible knowingly putting my child at increased risk. However, I don't think you have much choice. Surely he can turn around and say that he will have him full time until all this is over.
If this was only going to last a couple of weeks then I would say wait until this is over for him to visit him but as it looks like it's going to be longer I think it will be best for your son to have a routine.
I think you are going to have to stop your DS seeing his cousin for the next few weeks if this is what you're worried about.

Yabu, none of which you have said is reason for you to withhold your son from his father.

Yabu for mixing households.

I am always sincerely frightened to send my son to his father's house.

Yet you’ve insisted on him seeing him EOW. Why?

Don’t be one of those people. Your son will not thank you for it.

@lyralalala His father was insisting on seeing him every weekend for one night before this, which meant that I was subject to his abuse every weekend and that he didn't have to spend too much sustained time with our son.

I don't think he likes doing actual childcare, because now that he has our son for the weekend he sends him back unwashed. As I said, he doesn't even have a bed for our son even though he makes loads of money (too cheap).

"Crackers My son is dying for time to play with other children, so that appears to me to be in his best interest"

Everyone's kids are fucking dying to play with other kids you selfish

Don't pick and choose what rules you want to break when it suits you and what ones you want to follow when it fucking suits you.

Oh wait that doesn't apply in this situation as you're actually ignoring the guidelines in both scenarios to suit your own agenda

YABVU to send your DS next door to your DSIS house for a few hours each day!!!!

Which part of don’t socialise with people from other households do you and your DSIS not grasp, or feel that it doesn’t apply to you?

Ffs!!

My son is dying for time to play with other children

Yeah so is probably every other child in the country but its not a reason to break the rules. Ffs its unbelievable the number of people who think the rules dont apply to them

You are being hypocritical

It's ok for you to join households with your sister as your son gets a playmate and you get childcare. If your son goes to his Dad's then you lose that luxury

Normally you have to cajole your ex to do his share so you can work. But you've decided that you want to do the opposite now because it's convenient for you. There's millions of kids missing playmates right now.

I get that some parents are crap but you need to decide whether or not your ex should be having contact. If he's not good enough then you need to take legal steps to change things once lockdown is over.

I can't help but wonder how much of your son's reluctance is knowing your feelings about the matter. For a child his age who is reluctant to go to his Dad's, a long gap between visits is just going to make the feeling of dread worse. I'm not so sure that cousins should be trumping Dad right now but I obviously don't know your ex so it's easy for me to say that

Yes, my sister's household and I have been acting as one. No outsiders allowed and we are even sharing food deliveries etc yet you're going to work thus exposing even more people than necessary.
You should be sending your dc to its father as usual. And stop going next door to your sister. In fact, if I were your ex and found out you'd been going next door every day I'd be want g to keep the child with me!

I'm not going to work? I'm working from home when I am able to do so.

My DS isn't seeing his dad at the moment. ExDH is remarried and his wife has 2 children. Their dad has a new partner with 2 children. We've all decided that for now it's best if we all just stay in our own houses. There are too many contacts/houses involved. It's hard for everyone. In your case I do see your point.

You're not quite getting the point though OP.

By joining two households (especially one with a high risk person) you're increasing the chances of one of you getting it and then passing it around to more people causing more chance of a number of you becoming seriously ill.

You can't ignore one rule, I.e not mixing with households and then try to say you're upholding rules because you aren't.

There's a lot of here who'd love to see our siblings/parents/cousins etc and would love for our children to have play dates but we don't because we recognise there's a reason for social distancing.

Putting aside this virus going about you sound either,a terrified of your family getting sick or b you sound controlling? You cant keep a child away from his parent without good reason, you do realise that its hurting your son more than getting a bit control with ex? Your son will remember and resent you when hes older. Do what's best for your son , please forgive me if I'm completely out .

She's got plenty of good reasons by the sound of it.

OP, I'd start with telling him that yep, things are going to have to be more organised going forward. Before you discuss contact further, would he please get a bed for your son's permanent use, then let you know when that is done and you can arrange contact.

No one has really engaged with the week on / week off idea.

My ex previously said he wants joint custody so this could be a way to test the arrangement. My full expectation is that my ex will lose interest in this once he spends more time with his son. He already attempts to reduce maintenance for any possible reason and he resented my benefitting from his high income even when we were married.

(so I think that the joint custody proposal is just about not paying maintenance)

FizzyGreenWater

She's got plenty of good reasons by the sound of it.

and at the end of this she will have another one.

If you overcome the transport issue and contact is going to happen, then yes, a longer stint at each house would seem sensible from the point of view of minimising travel but everything else you have said would suggest you want him to see his dad less, so I'm a bit confused as to why you would go for that. Also if you did that you would have to forgo maintenance.

@FrippEnos I don't understand what you mean

@HugeAckmansWife I worry that maybe other posters are right and I am simply exaggerating the risk my ex presents to my son. I really struggled to believe that he was subjecting me to emotional abuse and I'm still crippled with doubt even though he's consistently horrible to me.

I also think that this may be the right time to test joint parenting (including my ex's true commitment to it) for various reasons.

I worry that I'm being unfair not to give my ex the opportunity to jointly parent our son even though my every instinct says this would be wrong for our son. He has literally told me that he is more interested in spending time with our son now that he is older. When our son was a baby, he barely took notice of him other than a pat on the head before bedtime.

Sorry but all our kids are dying for social contact and have lost all contact with their peers. We live in a street with several other families with dc. We are all taking it seriously and isolating but we'd never dream of mixing the kids. You cannot use this as an excuse. Standing in the way of contact with dad so you can work easier is not ok