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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse my ex contact until the lockdown is over?

149 replies

happylittletree · 06/04/2020 13:54

We do not have a formal contact order in place, but we usually do an EOW schedule. He has not seen our 4 year old son since the lockdown began but he is insisting that we arrange contact, I think mostly because he wants to spend Easter with our son and get the joy of Easter morning.

Here are the key considerations:

  • neither of us has a car, so we would need Uber or public transportation.
  • he was emotionally abusive and very controlling about money when we were together.
  • our son doesn't apparently want to see him. When we were together, he took little interest in spending time with our son.
  • my employer has been understanding about my need to parent, but I am still expected to work at least part time. I have been fitting in working from home where I can.
  • I do not know whether his employer would allow him any flexibility. As far as I know, he is pretending to the world that we are still together.
  • My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours. This also enables me to work when my son is at theirs. However, neither my sister's family nor my son and I are socialising with anyone else at all. My sister's partner is vulnerable, so If I let my son see his father, he won't be allowed to go there anymore.
  • My ex's mate was crashing with him before the lockdown and now he has nowhere else to go (long story). His mate spends lots of time outside each day. So my son would be exposed to a higher risk of the virus at my ex's house.

My ex wants to have our son for three days every week including the weekend.

I think that it would probably be better for my son not to go to his dad at all right now, but I am considering saying that we have to do a week on and a week off.

OP posts:
Tessaraqt · 06/04/2020 15:08

Of course your son would lose social contact with his peers!!! Like ALL OTHER CHILDREN IN THE UK who are managing fine.

And yes, of course your son will tell you he doesn't want to go to his dads. He's four (?), he loves you, that's literally what kids do and say. My two (4&5) do it all the time "but mummy, I'll miss you, I don't want to see daddy", but they have a father who loves them and cares about them and I have a responsibility to encourage this relationship, and I'd be an awful parent if I tried to obstruct it.

Your son needs to see his dad. That's clear.

coffeeandcreamer · 06/04/2020 15:08

How many more excuses/reasons are you going to come out with to make up your own lockdown rules?

Let the child see his father.

PleaseStopCrying · 06/04/2020 15:10

To be fair I dont know many 4 years olds who would ne happy to sit undistracted at a video call its not really an option for mraningful contact at that age.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:10

let the child see his father this is quite a funny way to put it given that my son actively doesn't want to see his father.

OP posts:
ShineYourLight2 · 06/04/2020 15:12

Honestly there is no point in you posting this as you are ridiculously defensive and have obviously already made up your mind. You are also very hypocritical when it comes to justifying why you are ok to break the rules but ready to judge others. All our children are missing their friends and social lives, doesn't make us mix households though...

dontdisturbmenow · 06/04/2020 15:12

So you are ok to break the rules because your son is desperate to spend some time with his cousins but seeing his dad is not ok.

It is coming across strongly that you would rather he disappeared for good. However, what is best for your son is to build a bond and share time with his father.

You should agree to it but make it clear that if you hear about his mate not following the rules, you will reconsider it.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 06/04/2020 15:12

You're already mixing households which a) is wrong, and b) makes you a hypocrite. Please explain why the rules don't apply to you?

Embracelife · 06/04/2020 15:13

You should try to arrange the EOW you had before.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/04/2020 15:13

You are not thinking about what’s best for your son at all, you’re coming across as if it’s all about what’s convenient for you. Not one of the reasons you have listed is a good reason to keep a parent and child apart.

A four year old needs contact with their parent more than they need contact with their cousins. You can’t deny your son and his ds seeing each other just because it’s more convenient for you to work.

If your son is reluctant to go to his fathers now, then he’s probably picking up on your opinions, and either way, it’s all the more reason for contact not to stop.

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 15:13

I'm afraid I think yabu.

It's sounds a bit like 'do as I say, not as I do'

You're happy to go against guidelines with regards to your dc seeing relatives. However it is within the guidelines for children to travel between separated parents, but for some reason you're trying to find (some fairly flimsy) excuses so he can't go.

Stick to eow, let your dc see their father, I think you're being pretty cruel, this is about what's best for your dc, and that includes visiting his father.

PleaseStopCrying · 06/04/2020 15:15

this is quite a funny way to put it given that my son actively doesn't want to see his father.

Thats a silly argument. 4 year olds also often dont want to brush their teeth, wear clothes, eat vegetables, go to school or have a bath but parents know better so make these decisions for them. The decision to have a relationship with his father shouldn't depend on him saying he doesn't want to go. You are the adult it's your job to make going a fun thing. He doesn't get to decide.

BlueCheeseNoWay · 06/04/2020 15:15

The child may be saying what you want to hear to make you happy...
You can't and should not be stopping the dad seeing him.
Use public transport, it's not that dangerous unless your idiotic about it 🙄

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 15:17

let the child see his father this is quite a funny way to put it given that my son actively doesn't want to see his father

So it's up to you to encourage the relationship with his father.

Oxyiz · 06/04/2020 15:18

Bear in mind that people here are thinking of their own relationships, and not having to hand a tiny four year old off to someone they don't want to see, who clearly doesn't give a shit.

Just because someone's a parent doesn't mean they're any good at it, and sometimes you have to try and protect the child first.

heartsonacake · 06/04/2020 15:20

YABVU, selfish and controlling. You should not be stopping your son from seeing his father; you have absolutely no right to.

My sister lives next door and we have quietly been allowing the cousins to see each other every day for a few hours.

This is horrific. Just how selfish are you? Households should not be mixing. You are contributing to the spread of the disease, increase in deaths and the higher chance of a stricter lockdown. Do you feel good about yourself for it?

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:22

I am always sincerely frightened to send my son to his father's house. His father has never been particularly interested in him. It's difficult to do this in the best of times and now I am more worried about it now that there is a risk of infection in handing him over.

OP posts:
Oxyiz · 06/04/2020 15:23

Come off it. They're acting like one big household under two roofs and being super-careful with their contact with the outside world. That's not contributing to spreads or anything nearly so dramatic.

AgentJohnson · 06/04/2020 15:23

It doesn’t really matter what his motives are, even if you could prove them.

Contact with his father takes precedent over contact with cousins.

Pick your battles because if this did go to court, your motivation for stopping contact is pretty flimsy.

How far away does your Ex live and how was contact managed (transport wise) before Carona?

saraclara · 06/04/2020 15:24

You still haven't said how you'd feel if it was your ex using lockdown to stop YOU from seeing your child.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:24

I don't understand how people think I'm putting others at risk by treating my sister's and my household as one. None of us are interacting with anyone else and my son and I won't go there again if my son sees his father.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 06/04/2020 15:25

I don't understand how people think I'm putting others at risk by treating my sister's and my household as one. None of us are interacting with anyone else and my son and I won't go there again if my son sees his father.

Are you fucking kidding me? You are not one household, you are two. And the rules say don't mix households. But yeah whatever OP, you do whatever the hell you like because you're clearly special.

PipGirl404 · 06/04/2020 15:26

Afraid to say you do sound like you're using the current pandemic as an excuse to withhold your ex from access to your son.

3 weeks is a long time and he's obviously wanting to see his son. Don't be that person, let him see his son.

Original poster
happylittletree · 06/04/2020 15:27

@AgentJohnson

He lives 8 miles away. It's about an hour by tube or 30 by car.

Prior to this, he complained endlessly about the extreme distance and used it as an excuse not to see our son more (while blaming me). I insisted that he take our son to and from nursery because whenever I see him, he is abusive to me.

OP posts:
Oxyiz · 06/04/2020 15:29

People are just scared and angry right now OP, as you might have noticed, and taking it out on others. There's a lot of vitriol and terror on these threads. Don't take it personally.

PleaseStopCrying · 06/04/2020 15:30

I am always sincerely frightened to send my son to his father's house.

Dont you see the reason your son says he doesn't want to go is because he's picking up on this attitude?

He's either a danger to your child and if thats the case you go to court regarding limiting contact. Or he's not a danger amd just does things differently to you. From what you have said it doesn't appear he is a danger to your child so you need to start altering your attitude regarding his contact with his dad.

It is not a bad thing for them to spend time together, its a good thing and you need to stop thinking otherwise and show your son it's ok for him to go.