To tell my family but not his?

[firstpregnancy1]

Hi

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. 12 week scan booked for 2 weeks time.

At the moment only my very closest friend knows and has known since about 5/6 weeks.

Initially, we were just going to wait to the scan to tell any family at all but the last few weeks I've been thinking that I want to tell my mum and sister sooner.

I'm very prepared to be told I'm being selfish or unfair or unreasonable and I just want to know either way, but whilst I want to tell my sister and mum, I don't want to tell my partners parents/siblings until after the scan.

I know this sounds really unfair, it's both of our baby and it's not fair that one side should get to find out before the other side, and my only reason is purely incase of miscarriage. If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing. There is no backstory or any particular reason other than I'm just quite a private person. But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family for myself and it's not just about me.

So I'm unsure on what's right or fair. And really it's just 2 weeks until the scan so could easily just wait 2 weeks to tell everyone, but the time is currently passing so slowly at the moment with everyone cooped up at home!

Any advice welcome! Perfectly prepared to be told that it wouldn't be fair to tell one side and not the other, just please don't be unnecessarily nasty about it 😃

I meant he may want the support for HIMSELF not myself!

I think it depends how your partner feels about it.

When I was pregnant we told my parents before DH’s - but he was in agreement about it. If he hadn’t been happy I would have had to respect that & either not tell or tell both.

If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing.

What if it was reversed and he wanted to tell his parents but said you couldn’t tell yours? You’re being really unfair here

Exactly what floobydoodoo said

What does your partner think?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the pregnant mum to want to confide in her own close family first.

Are your mum and sister discrete enough not to let your in-laws know that they knew first? That might colour my thinking.

YABU and yes pretty selfish

I did find out I'd miscarried at a 12 week scan and I was glad both families knew as we both needed the support but if you've never had to go through that then you won't understand

It's both of your babies - Dont be one of THOSE parents who always favours her own family when it comes to childcare/seeing the grandparents/involving them

But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family
^ You’ve answered your own question really.

What does he say about it?

If the scan revealed bad news it would be bad news for both of you and he might want support from his parents and sibli gs too. I can understand where you are coming from and think YABU at the same time.

I think it depends on how close you are to your respective families. I am 34 weeks and we told my parents first but only because we are much closer/ were actually living with them at the time!

It sounds selfish, because it is selfish.

It also assumes that if you do not receive good news, you can receive family support whilst cutting off your DP from his. Yes your physical needs are different, but do not write off emotional and mental health ones and deny him a support network. You do mention this aspect in your post, but I don't think are giving it enough weight

That would be very unfair - in our case each time I told my mother first but only by a matter of an hour or so and then we told his mother so that they both effectively knew at the same time.
You need to get in then mindset now of treating both families equally even if you would naturally prefer your own mother.

I’m 7 weeks pregnant and my mum, aunt, BIL and a family friend know on my side, as well as a couple of friends. I told my DM and BF as soon as I got a positive test. However none of DHs family know. I had an early loss last year that they also don’t know about, but most of the above do. I’m someone who needs to talk about their feelings, DH isn’t, so he hasn’t mentioned to anyone. If he wanted to that’s up to him. He was more upset about previous MC than me, but chose not to speak to anyone. If we get to the scan for this one and there’s a problem, I will tell his family though, as I agree with others that we’d both need support from both sides. I think it’s a personal choice really, and depends on the specific people and circumstances involved, it’s not one size fits all.

If he wants to tell them he should be allowed to.

Yes it's selfish

I don’t see a problem with telling yours and not his. You’re the pregnant one.

I would assume that if my son has children that his partner’s family would be told first as he wouldn’t actually be pregnant (hate we’re pregnant) and as the pregnant person his partner might want to confide in her own family. Nothing wrong with that.

My brothers wives told their families first, no issues from anyone, their bodies/ medical information their choice.

To be honest you’ll probably find that people who think it’s harsh or unfair have sons not daughters and are projecting their own paranoia at being left out in future on to your situation, they’ll deny it but it’s true.

I think this mind set shows you to believe that only you would be upset and need support if there was bad news. Which is hugely unfair of you.

Whilst I understand you not wanting to confide for yourself , to effectively ban your partner from both the joy AND any support in the effect of a negative outcome is really not on.

If something bad happens, it's a loss for both of you. He doesn't need the questions about why your side knew but not his.

Asking him to keep any medical details about your body secret, is a different matter. But he should be able to share the general pregnancy news.

Thanks everybody

I think it probably just makes most sense to wait. It's only 2 weeks after all.

To the people who have asked..

he's happy to go with what I want but I think he'd probably rather tell everyone at the same time for a fairness reason. For him it would be about fairness of who knows when, rather than wanting/needing support from his family.

We are equally close to both sides but see my family more because of distance.

Thank you

I think it’s selfish too. It’s his news as much as it’s your news.

.. and I have young adult girls btw. So not an over invested mother in law 'to be'

Yes I think it’s unfair. If you want to tell your family then he should be able to choose whether to tell his.

Your body, your decision to make I think.
If you want to tell your ds and mum then do it.
I think I would

I do think if it's bad news you may want to tell your mother and sister for support. I think it's a bit different when it's your body actually going through it. It's not just about it being equally both your baby

You’re the pregnant one.

What a load of 💩

Because the law according to MN is the father is just a sperm donor with no rights/say

I think that it’s up to you who you tell and when; it will be his baby too when it’s born, but this is your pregnancy, and I think you should therefore be totally comfortable with the decisions that are made about it.

That said, I think it’s a discussion to have with your husband. If it means a lot to him for it to be fair, and if you don’t mind waiting too much, then it’s probably sensible for the sake of marital harmony to wait until everyone can be told.