To tell my family but not his?

[firstpregnancy1]

Hi

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. 12 week scan booked for 2 weeks time.

At the moment only my very closest friend knows and has known since about 5/6 weeks.

Initially, we were just going to wait to the scan to tell any family at all but the last few weeks I've been thinking that I want to tell my mum and sister sooner.

I'm very prepared to be told I'm being selfish or unfair or unreasonable and I just want to know either way, but whilst I want to tell my sister and mum, I don't want to tell my partners parents/siblings until after the scan.

I know this sounds really unfair, it's both of our baby and it's not fair that one side should get to find out before the other side, and my only reason is purely incase of miscarriage. If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing. There is no backstory or any particular reason other than I'm just quite a private person. But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family for myself and it's not just about me.

So I'm unsure on what's right or fair. And really it's just 2 weeks until the scan so could easily just wait 2 weeks to tell everyone, but the time is currently passing so slowly at the moment with everyone cooped up at home!

Any advice welcome! Perfectly prepared to be told that it wouldn't be fair to tell one side and not the other, just please don't be unnecessarily nasty about it 😃

If you had a medical problem unrelated to pregnancy and you wanted to tell your mum about it and didn't want his mum to know about it, then I think that's perfectly fine. It's your business who you tell.

With a pregnancy, though, if his parents are just as nice and decent and loving as yours, then I can't see why you wouldn't tell them both at the same time.

When I’m pregnant (we have two) we tell my side as soon as I pee on a stick and his side after 12 weeks scan. It’s me going through it so I decide who gets told and when

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal

You do realise this is controlling behaviour don't you?

I was just in this exact scenario. I ended up telling my mum early, only as I was having some issues early on and needed her support (physically to drive me somewhere & mentally to have a sounding space). My husband is much more positive and I’m the worrier so for me I needed someone other than him to offload, without straining him unfairly, he didn’t feel he needed this support and that guided our decision. My husband and I both agreed to wait to tell his Mum. I think it depends on what you and your partner want to do, for us we wanted to get to the 12 week scan and see where we were at before telling MIL. And my MIL when we told her was fully supportive of us wanting to see how baby was before we shared news, so we could tell her how things were. Had it been bad news we always would have shared it at that point, we just wanted to know what news we were sharing. It made the 12 week scan scan so special for my husband, as he wasn’t allowed in to the scan due to coronavirus restrictions, but got to share the news with his mum over the phone that evening! It was amazing being able to share our news with her & he said he was glad he waited until our 12 week scan, but will depend on your husband & should be led by him & what he would like to do. Congratulations!

I'm more concerned that you told your friend before your mother.

My MIL was second person to know though, my sister and friends found out after my MIL as I felt it would be unfair on my husband to not have his mother know but for me to be telling who I wanted. It’s his baby too after all

I really think it depends on how you both feel. DP told his mum and dad as soon as we found out about he pregnancy because he wanted their support and he processes things by sharing with them. I told my best friend immediately, but only told my own parents and sister about three weeks after that. We're less close o guess although all get on fine, I just wanted time to sit on it by myself. We told DPs siblings after the scan.

If he's not bothered about the support or sharing it and it's just out of fairness, I'd say go for it and tell you own family. If he wants to tell them because he wants to share then I'd say either all or nothing. Agree they need to be discreet - I don't intent on telling my family that my BF and ILs knew before they did!

I was glad both families knew as we both needed the support but if you've never had to go through that then you won't understand

Well, I have had to go through it: five times. And I can put something of a different perspective on that situation. I didn't trust my in-laws with sensitive information about the three losses I'd had because we don't have that close a relationship. Then I had a fourth, particularly messy and quite late miscarriage, requiring surgical intervention which left me with a nasty uterine infection. I can honestly say this was more painful than my later labour, and it left me very ill.

DH wanted to visit his family that Christmas and tell them what had been going on. I wasn't comfortable with that, still being really unwell from the ERPC (and FWIW my mother's dead so I had no family confidantes either; albeit my close friends helped hugely). But I reasoned just as you did: that it was his loss as much as mine and might want to confide in his nearest relatives. So I went, even though I wasn't up for socializing and his relatives knew why. They treated me abominably. Far from a simple 'sorry about your loss' they ostracized me and when his sister visited DH at MiL's house she refused to speak to me at all. We'd previously had a relationship that was distanced and at best outwardly civil, so I can only assume she was pissed because someone else was receiving some of her mother's attention for a change.

I took this course so as not to be 'selfish', and it ended up being to the detriment of my own wellbeing. Granted, miscarriage is very tough for fathers too and we supported each other through it. But you are the one whose body and hormones have to bear the full brunt of the physical and emotional mess.

I very much hope your outcome is happier, OP. Remember that this isn't all that common, and mine is only one perspective of what can happen if, God forbid, the worst-case scenario happens. But you alone know the reasons why you don't feel comfortable telling your in-laws at this stage. In the longrun what difference does a few weeks of not being 'in the know' make to them, their future relationship with their grandchild or anyone else? I'd say none.

Do what feels right for you and don't be concerned if anyone thinks you are selfish, or calls you such. Sometimes 'selfishness' and actively putting your own needs first is allowed. And being pregnant is one of those times.

and all good wishes for a smooth, healthy pregnancy.

I told mum first. Everyone else at 12 weeks. I don’t think there was any discussion? It was what I wanted. I didn’t think to ask my husband.

i dislike the way some posters on MN, remind pregnant posters that they are bearing his children so the father should do as he is told but ultimately believe that the baby belongs more to the mother so her family etc matter more.There is a lot of shutting Dads out of pregnancy and child rearing and then complaining of lack of interest from the father.

If you have a feeling your partner would prefer you to wait then I would wait.

I wanted to tell my DM when I found out at 4 weeks... my DP wanted to wait until we had a scan (8 weeks). He said it was up to me but I didn't think it was fair for my family to know and not his. He is closer to his mum but my mum knew we were trying so it was harder for me as I had to lie whereas his didn't even suspect!

As it was we told his parents first (as their house is closer to the scan place) even though we were worried how they would react, and knew my family would be happy. Plus I didn't want her to react badly (which I think she may have done if she found out my family knew first!).

I'm more concerned that you told your friend before your mother.

Why? Many people tell best friends or really close friends about pregnancies before they tell their parents or even spouses. Some people even tell acquaintances or complete strangers before family members.

We have no idea what the situation was that her closest friend was told.

Also, I think he would probably need support more than me if we MC as he is more emotional than me!

It's affecting your body so I don't think you're unreasonable.

There is a lot of shutting Dads out of pregnancy and child rearing and then complaining of lack of interest from the father.

Yep. So many women wanting to have their cake and eat it.

We told mine but not his, but we were (a) both on agreement with this (b) if it was bad news we'd both prefer support from my family not his (c) S-MIL is highly narcissistic, and if it was bad news, she'd make it all about her. She's caused tears and disruption at every special event, wedding or birth in the family in the last 15 years (except her own).

(Not that we see her any more, after her behaviour became more extreme), but we certainly weren't telling her about either of my pregnancies before it became necessary.

It's affecting your body so I don't think you're unreasonable

And it's affects both of our mental and emotional wellbeing. The physical is not the whole story.

I think it’s only fair you told both sets at the same time. Imagine it’s you in 25 years time, your sins partner doesn’t want to tell you, but wants to tell her parents, how hurt would you feel?

Either tell them all or tell no one.

You do realise, I hope, that telling anyone early does not mean you will have a miscarriage. Miscarriages happen regardless of who knows and some happen after twelve weeks.

You're being utterly ridiculous which is your prerogative.

I think it’s such a shame that already, before the baby is born, you are treating your Dp’s family as second best to your own. It doesn’t bode well for the future and I feel bad for your Dp. Of course when you throw the word miscarriage around, your Dp will go along with what you want.

@lynda07

Of course I understand that telling people doesn't prevent a miscarriage?! What a ridiculous thing to say! My post makes it quite clear that my thoughts were based on who we would feel ok with knowing that we had had a miscarriage if that should happen! Honestly!

I told my mum before my DH even knew. We were working opposite shifts, I needed someone to talk to, and I didn't want to tell him through a text.

We told my ILs at about 10 weeks as we wanted to give them a lift after MIL had just come out of ICU with pneumonia. It was met with purely negative comments and if we have another they wont be finding out until after 12 weeks.

But my DH is fine with that. So it depends on how your DH feels and if he feels he would want/need them as a support system. Mine wouldn't because he doesn't even like his parents nevermind talk to them about emotional things.

I think that you are already setting the baby up to be more yours and your families than his.
If you want your partner to be an equal part of your child’s upbringing then treat him and his family equally from the beginning.

It’s a shame you’re already putting yours first. There are so many threads on her with people moaning that their in laws aren’t interested but I think you have to wonder if they were kept at arms length to begin with.

There is a lot of shutting Dads out of pregnancy and child rearing and then complaining of lack of interest from the father.

This in bucket loads

I’d tell my mum and sister and just tell them to keep it quiet.

To be honest you’ll probably find that people who think it’s harsh or unfair have sons not daughters and are projecting their own paranoia at being left out in future on to your situation, they’ll deny it but it’s true.

I have two DSs, and I wasn't worried about this until I read this thread!! I would be so hurt if a future DIL wanted my son to keep this kind of news from me solely because I wasn't her blood relative (as opposed to if I was a nightmare gossip, interfering or judgemental MIL, in which case, withhold away - but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here).