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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my family but not his?

140 replies

firstpregnancy1 · 06/04/2020 11:43

Hi

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. 12 week scan booked for 2 weeks time.

At the moment only my very closest friend knows and has known since about 5/6 weeks.

Initially, we were just going to wait to the scan to tell any family at all but the last few weeks I've been thinking that I want to tell my mum and sister sooner.

I'm very prepared to be told I'm being selfish or unfair or unreasonable and I just want to know either way, but whilst I want to tell my sister and mum, I don't want to tell my partners parents/siblings until after the scan.

I know this sounds really unfair, it's both of our baby and it's not fair that one side should get to find out before the other side, and my only reason is purely incase of miscarriage. If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing. There is no backstory or any particular reason other than I'm just quite a private person. But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family for myself and it's not just about me.

So I'm unsure on what's right or fair. And really it's just 2 weeks until the scan so could easily just wait 2 weeks to tell everyone, but the time is currently passing so slowly at the moment with everyone cooped up at home!

Any advice welcome! Perfectly prepared to be told that it wouldn't be fair to tell one side and not the other, just please don't be unnecessarily nasty about it 😃

OP posts:
MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 06/04/2020 12:12

I told my side of family (they live abroad) before we told DPs family. But then I didnt tell him I told them, so he didnt know.
I have a good relationship with MiL but she has a huge mouth and a huge family and no secrets in their family and I didnt want her to know before the scan. Our families dont talk, so they never found out they were not the first to know :)

zigaziga · 06/04/2020 12:13

I don’t think it’s unfair.

We told PIL weeks and weeks before my parents both times because DH is closer to his parents than mine.

NicLondon1 · 06/04/2020 12:14

YANBU and NOT selfish.

It is your body, you would be going through a loss and of course you would want your sister and mother's support were that to happen.

Fact it, talk to him about it, but if you want to tell them (even in secret), I would.

Devlesko · 06/04/2020 12:14

It's fair to tell them at the same time. I couldn't have told anyone before our parents.

Razmataz92 · 06/04/2020 12:15

Really surprised that people think it’s unfair. I would assume that a future DIL would tell her mum before me! For the very reason that early pregnancy can be unpredictable and tough, and the support of immediate family is a precious thing.

We didn’t tell (and haven’t second time round) my partner’s family until the 12 week scan. They have no experience of difficult pregnancies and struggle with empathy and being overly negative, all of which put DP off telling them. He thought he’d have to ‘look after’ their mental health if there was bad news.

Have a chat with your DP and see what he thinks. Most people are only pregnant a few times in their lives, so do it how works for you and DP. I hope you have an amazing in-law family who wouldn’t think twice to wonder or fret over who you’d told first!

WeAllHaveWings · 06/04/2020 12:18

He would be going through a loss too and might need support from his family, if he is supported he can then support you better. If this is your main driver it is unfair to make him keep his loss private from his family while you get support from yours.

saraclara · 06/04/2020 12:19

It's both of your babies - Dont be one of THOSE parents who always favours her own family when it comes to childcare/seeing the grandparents/involving them

That. And for the record, I have daughters. But it wasn't until I joined mumsnet that I realised how fortunate I was to be a mother of daughters. I'm horrified by the attitude I see to MILs who are the mothers of sons. They seem to be bottom of the heap and treated much more poorly and unfairly than women's mothers, when it comes to the arrival of the next generation. They love their grandchildren every bit as much.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 06/04/2020 12:21

but this is your pregnancy,

How did it get in there then? Bloody immaculate conception?!

DappledThings · 06/04/2020 12:22

It is your body, you would be going through a loss and of course you would want your sister and mother's support were that to happen

It is his child as much as hers. When I had an early miscarriage then physically I was the one suffering but emotionally we both lost a pregnancy and the immediate future we thought we were stepping into. I can't imagine having told my parents and told him he couldn't tell his. We both wanted support from our families when we were upset.

NellGwynsPenguin · 06/04/2020 12:22

Tell who you like.
Might lift their spirits.. although I realise that’s not your job, but baby news is lovely.

FWIW, letting people in on the news at an early date can be a real pita as the pregnancy is so loooooong then, and with anxiety about health at such heights right now, you may get bombarded with all kinds of well meant but spurious advice.

Congratulations.

Make sure you’re taking no risks covid-wise.

5zeds · 06/04/2020 12:23

You need to understand the baby is both of yours. If he wanted to tell his parents but make you wait to tell yours, how would you feel.

NellGwynsPenguin · 06/04/2020 12:26

Now, what’s all this he might need support, so he has to tell?
You can get support because of a miscarriage without having told people about the pregnancy.

You don’t need knowledge of a pregnancy to be supportive of someone who’s had a miscarriage.

Tell whom you like op.
Good luck with it. And congratulations again.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 06/04/2020 12:27

When I’m pregnant (we have two) we tell my side as soon as I pee on a stick and his side after 12 weeks scan. It’s me going through it so I decide who gets told and when.

DollyDoneMore · 06/04/2020 12:27

This isn’t about the rights of the grandparents to know.

It’s about the rights of the mum to be to choose who knows about her condition.

I would hope that, in a strong relationship, both partners would have a say, but if it comes down to it, it should be the mother’s choice.

salsamad · 06/04/2020 12:27

Imagine how you would feel if you go on to have a son and in 25 years time his partner gets pregnant and you are sidelined and the last one to be included in special news. Possibly even allowed less visits when the grandchild arrives and all because you are the mother of a son whose partner shows preference to her own family regarding the grandchildren.
You are in a partnership and both of your thoughts and feelings need to to count. Please consider everyone’s feelings and if you cannot share your news with everybody, then hold off until you can.

WeAllHaveWings · 06/04/2020 12:29

Tell whom you like op.

And does that extend to ops dh to tell who he wants? Works both ways.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 06/04/2020 12:29

I hope the baby is a boy

That way you can feel crushed in 30 years time when your daughter in law does this to you

HeddaGarbled · 06/04/2020 12:30

I think his mum would be hurt.

phoenixrosehere · 06/04/2020 12:30

Yanbu.

I felt the same way with my first. I wish I had stuck to it because there were issues with my first and I didn’t need to hear comments about it from them and what I should or should be doing. I had no issues with my in-laws but comments made did make me uncomfortable around them. We told in-laws first because they were in the same time zone. My family was told once they were awake the same day and I actually ended up becoming closer to my mum despite us having a contentious behaviour because she was more supportive. Not close that I would ever want her in the room, (didn’t even want my husband there), but close enough that we chat for an hour once or twice a week.

We didn’t tell them the second time around until I was over halfway through because of what happened last time.

You don’t owe them anything and it’s your body. Yes, your boyfriend would be hurt too if you miscarried but he wouldn’t be the one physically going through it. Plus, with your update, it sounds like he wants to tell them out of fairness vs support which doesn’t make it selfish for you to tell just your mum and sister. It shouldn’t matter who finds out first as long as they find out.

I say this as a mother of two sons btw.

DappledThings · 06/04/2020 12:31

It’s me going through it so I decide who gets told and when

I find this so hard to relate to. Physically yes, I was pregnant and I hate the "we are pregnant" shite but a pregnancy is so much more than the physical. We were expecting a baby, we were nervous about it and hoping for the best, we suddenly found out I wasnt pregnant anymore and we were both upset. The physical is only a small part of we went through.

1forsorrow · 06/04/2020 12:32

To be honest you’ll probably find that people who think it’s harsh or unfair have sons not daughters and are projecting their own paranoia at being left out in future on to your situation, they’ll deny it but it’s true. I've got sons and daughters and grandsons and granddaughters. Doesn't change my opinion that he has as much right to tell his family, to share the joy/worry or potential sadness that he might want support with. I also think she has the right to tell her family and if he was saying no to that I'd say he was wrong.

1forsorrow · 06/04/2020 12:33

I think that it’s up to you who you tell and when; it will be his baby too when it’s born, but this is your pregnancy, and I think you should therefore be totally comfortable with the decisions that are made about it. If she was struggling with the pregnancy and he wasn't helping would you be saying it is his baby as well and he should pull his weight?

DappledThings · 06/04/2020 12:34

To be honest you’ll probably find that people who think it’s harsh or unfair have sons not daughters and are projecting their own paranoia at being left out in future on to your situation, they’ll deny it but it’s true

I have a son and a daughter. If either of them have children way in the future and either of them want to tell the other grandparents before us I can't deny I'd be hurt. Nothing to do with gender.

NailsNeedDoing · 06/04/2020 12:35

Tell them together. It’s just not fair otherwise.

1forsorrow · 06/04/2020 12:38

FWIW, letting people in on the news at an early date can be a real pita as the pregnancy is so loooooong then, and with anxiety about health at such heights right now, you may get bombarded with all kinds of well meant but spurious advice. It is true, pregnancy feels like an eternity now. When I had my first, nearly 50 years ago, I missed a period and wondered, missed a second and saw GP who examined me and said he thought I probably was, make an appointment for 4 weeks and we will know for sure. So at 12 weeks it was confirmed I was pregnant. Fast forward to my youngest, pee on a stick the day period is due and I am 4 weeks pregnant with 36 weeks stretching out in front of me.

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