To tell my family but not his?

[firstpregnancy1]

Hi

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. 12 week scan booked for 2 weeks time.

At the moment only my very closest friend knows and has known since about 5/6 weeks.

Initially, we were just going to wait to the scan to tell any family at all but the last few weeks I've been thinking that I want to tell my mum and sister sooner.

I'm very prepared to be told I'm being selfish or unfair or unreasonable and I just want to know either way, but whilst I want to tell my sister and mum, I don't want to tell my partners parents/siblings until after the scan.

I know this sounds really unfair, it's both of our baby and it's not fair that one side should get to find out before the other side, and my only reason is purely incase of miscarriage. If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing. There is no backstory or any particular reason other than I'm just quite a private person. But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family for myself and it's not just about me.

So I'm unsure on what's right or fair. And really it's just 2 weeks until the scan so could easily just wait 2 weeks to tell everyone, but the time is currently passing so slowly at the moment with everyone cooped up at home!

Any advice welcome! Perfectly prepared to be told that it wouldn't be fair to tell one side and not the other, just please don't be unnecessarily nasty about it 😃

Different circumstances call for different responses. Only OP knows why she isn't comfortable with telling her in-laws before the 12-week scan. It's those insticts that should be driving her decision. A few weeks won't make a blind bit of difference and the suggestion that this is relegating them to 'second class status' is obviously nonsense. The child isn't even here yet. Right now no one has the 'right' to know anything.

That’s a really good point.

If you're not okay with the in-laws knowing about a miscarriage, don't tell them until the scan has confirmed everything is okay.

If you're okay with your own family knowing, tell them. I hate this 'we're pregnant' crap, you're the pregnant one. It's certainly his child too but right now you're the one with all the hormonal upheaval and sickness and physical issues, so you get a little more leeway and if telling your mum makes you feel better, then he'd be selfish to insist on a quid pro quo. Because at this stage, there's nothing quid pro quo about it. There's no equality about this part of parenthood, I don't understand the pretence that there is.

After the scan, let the world know and don't tell his side your fam knew first, tell them to keep that to themselves. If there is bad news, your main supports will be one another.

I think miscarriage affects the woman much more than the man and so no I don't think it's selfish to tell your mam but not your MIL.

i dislike the way some posters on MN, remind pregnant posters that they are bearing his children so the father should do as he is told but ultimately believe that the baby belongs more to the mother so her family etc matter more.There is a lot of shutting Dads out of pregnancy and child rearing and then complaining of lack of interest from the father.

Perfectly put.

The actual physical side of the pregnancy is the woman's business - and it's up to her to confide in pregnancy-related matters with those closest to her if she so chooses; but the expected arrival of a new person in the family is of equal importance to both parents and both sides of the family (assuming no underlying 'issues' in the relationship).

Suppose you were in a low-paid job and your husband was a very high earner, so you'd both decided that you would quit work and become a SAHM when the baby arrived. You're the one by whom the baby will arrive, so you get to decide everything to do with the welfare and family interaction of the child; whereas he is the one who earns all of the family money (apart from child benefit), so he gets to decide on all of the purchasing decisions relating to the baby and the rest of the family/household. It's his choice as to which cot, pushchair, highchair, clothes, toys the child has and which TV, sofa, wallpaper, cooker, car(s), holidays the family has, as he's the one paying for it all. Only fair, right? People would say that that was selfish and controlling. And they would be very right to do so.

Dads are not a tap to be turned on when sperm, help, assistance, money etc are required but then expected to sit dormant and ignored when the mum wants it all to be about her. It might end up that way if you find the father of your child to be a deadbeat dad and the relationship completely breaks down, but we're talking about the exact opposite kind of dad here - what should be the normal for a dad. It's a joint partnership. You can't have it both ways.

The actual physical side of the pregnancy is the woman's business - and it's up to her to confide in pregnancy-related matters with those closest to her if she so chooses

Correct. So why does the rest of your post basically say she’d better be willing to share these intimate details with people she might not even know or like that much, lest the father of her child finds himself justified in either financially abusing her or showing no interest in the child once it is born?

Horrible. Just horrible.

Well why don't you wait until the scan? If I a bad news you would tell them anyway so I think you're making excuses coz you can't wait to tell them

Of course he should tell his family if he wants.
It’s his baby too. If he stopped you telling your family, posters on here would in uproar and calling you controlling.

The actual physical side of the pregnancy is the woman's business - and it's up to her to confide in pregnancy-related matters with those closest to her if she so chooses

Correct. So why does the rest of your post basically say she’d better be willing to share these intimate details with people she might not even know or like that much, lest the father of her child finds himself justified in either financially abusing her or showing no interest in the child once it is born?

Horrible. Just horrible.

How is the simple fact that a baby is expected an 'intimate detail'. If that were the case, we'd be expecting pregnant women to stay at home and never go out in public (COVID notwithstanding) as soon as their bump started to show, and calling them shameless if they did dare to venture outside.

I did specifically mention the caveat of existing relationship 'issues'. The OP categorically said that there was no backstory and didn't suggest any problems whatsoever with her marriage or with her relationship with her in-laws.

I think you rather misunderstood what I was saying. You seem to assume that I'm suggesting trade-offs that two trapped people who hate each other feel forced into making for their own self-protection. Sadly, there are a lot of people trapped in unhappy and often abusive relationships, but, believe it or not, there are millions of couples all around the world who love each other, want what's best for the other and enjoy very happy partnerships and families, based on love and mutual consideration rather than any sense of fear or self-preservation.

If you want to tell your parents then let your DP tell his. Playing Chinese whispers and giving the news to one side over the other when there aren’t issues or problems with either side of the family is just a selfish, horrible thing to do. When I was pregnant I left it to DP when he told his family (I wasn’t going to tell mine until after our viability scan; and my extended family were not going to know until after the birth) and in the end he told his mum and brother after the viability scan and other family after 32 weeks.

And you need to remember that even if you have a miscarriage there is no guarantee your parents will support you. I thought mine might which is why I told them about our infertility struggles - but mum had all her kids between 23-33 and didn’t have any problems conceiving and didn’t really get it. All she could offer were platitudes. So I was left to battle it out myself and found professional help.

I’m wondering if OP is uncomfortable telling her in-laws is because she fears that her in-laws will blame her in some way if she miscarried.

I wonder if something may have been said in passing with someone else and OP remembers it.

How is the simple fact that a baby is expected an 'intimate detail'.

The contents and general health or otherwise of any of my internal organs I consider to be quite personal to me and, yes, an intimate detail. Nobody has a “right” to know anything about anything during pregnancy - not even the father if push came to shove.

I know the loving and supportive relationship exist, thanks. Happily, my DH was supportive of my telling my mum when I was newly pregnant and didn’t want anyone else at all to know - even the rest of my own family. If he’d started huffing and puffing about “fairness” when it was me, and only me, going through every horrible early pregnancy symptom in the book I’m afraid of where I might have been tempted to shove his “fairness”.

I think miscarriage affects the woman much more than the man and so no I don't think it's selfish to tell your mam but not your MIL Physically of course but psychologically? I wouldn't want to have a baby with a man who wouldn't be as upset as me if we lost our baby.

Is it? I don’t think it’s normal to have either there. I wouldn’t have wanted my mum in the delivery room. I had one of mine at home, my mother was in the house looking after my older child. The first thing I told the midwife when she arrived was if she let my mother in the room I was leaving. Having my mother in the room would be my idea of hell, I'd have ended up comforting her as she'd have been so worried and so upset that I was in pain. I didn't need that.

My experience is telling others can bring up a lot of feelings, some that might not make sense to others or might not be easy to explain. As long as you're both on the same page, then I don't see any issue however it's done. I've seen really awkward situations with friends where one half, usually the mother-to-be, doesn't want to discuss certain parts of the pregnancy, but the other half is discussing it everywhere. Sounds like you're already there, so that's good.

My spouse wanted to talk about pregnancies straight away with his parents and a few friends whereas I was the opposite, I would quite happily just not talk about it no matter how much I was showing (and I am very grateful to the people who let me do that without acting weird). So, after a lot of discussion, we agreed he could tell a few people, but any further announcements - and in later pregnancies when we had it, social media postings - were up to me until the baby was born. Not telling was the status quo and once the topic was up for discussion, it couldn't really be put back.

I did view it as a personal detail, not in that I should be ashamed - I don't think many personal details should involve shame. It was just that there are a lot of assumptions of pregnant women's emotional state and situations where I felt that I was expected to lie to not let others down or had my emotions dismissed happened often enough.