To tell my family but not his?

[firstpregnancy1]

Hi

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. 12 week scan booked for 2 weeks time.

At the moment only my very closest friend knows and has known since about 5/6 weeks.

Initially, we were just going to wait to the scan to tell any family at all but the last few weeks I've been thinking that I want to tell my mum and sister sooner.

I'm very prepared to be told I'm being selfish or unfair or unreasonable and I just want to know either way, but whilst I want to tell my sister and mum, I don't want to tell my partners parents/siblings until after the scan.

I know this sounds really unfair, it's both of our baby and it's not fair that one side should get to find out before the other side, and my only reason is purely incase of miscarriage. If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing. There is no backstory or any particular reason other than I'm just quite a private person. But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family for myself and it's not just about me.

So I'm unsure on what's right or fair. And really it's just 2 weeks until the scan so could easily just wait 2 weeks to tell everyone, but the time is currently passing so slowly at the moment with everyone cooped up at home!

Any advice welcome! Perfectly prepared to be told that it wouldn't be fair to tell one side and not the other, just please don't be unnecessarily nasty about it 😃

Your body your say. But this is Mumsnet where biology goes put the window and the poor little man has as much rights as you despite doing fuck all.

Surely His family are now also yours? As a mother in law I would be very hurt.

I told my MIL 2 weeks after I told my DM and I wished I'd left it longer. Not only did she tell my BIL and one of her sisters, she told me she felt bad she hadn't told the rest of them as 1 was upset they didnt know before everyone else. I was supposed to agree with that..!!
Next time she's not finding out till I'm ready for the world and its wife to know.

Your body your say. But this is Mumsnet where biology goes put the window and the poor little man has as much rights as you despite doing fuck all

Speak for yourself. My husband did a fuck load more than fuck all throughout my pregnancies, miscarriage and raising our children. All of which were his emotional investment as much as mine.

What a sad little post yours was.

When I was pregnant I told my parents at around 8 weeks but DH's family and everyone else was told after the 12 week scan. If I'd had bad news at the scan I would have wanted my mum to know but not anyone else, I'm a very private person and it would be something happening to my body, which I would rather my in-laws not know about. DH was totally fine with this.

YABU.

You are pregnant, and it's wonderful, but it's not all about you.

I knew about my daughter’s pregnancy pretty much from when she found out. Her fiancé was worried, as he worked away from home for up to 2 weeks at a time, and wanted me to know so I could give her support if she needed it. I didn’t even tell my dh (her dd). When they eventually told his dm (earlier than she actually wanted to), she told all her family, against their request to keep it quiet as she was bleeding and still worried that she would lose the baby. I know I am biased, but it is completely different between mum and future mil, so I would speak to your dh and ask him if he minded.

I’m perhaps also biased as I told my mum earlier as I knew she wouldn’t say to anyone! On the other hand, my mil couldn’t shut her mouth and twice told others when I was in the early stages of pregnancy (and threatening to miscarry) despite being told not to tell anyone! I was not impressed!

My sons have children, 3 families, I have no idea if the other grandmothers knew before me and no desire to find out. I suspect they did and they all saw the baby before me. When my DD has a baby I wouldn't want the other grandparents to feel pushed out and would encourage DD and DSIL to include everyone particularly as he is an only child. I always feel the birth of GC brings families together, you have a biological link to the other side of the family and hopefully you all share love for the child/children so even if you have nothing else in common you do have that.

I am fairly laid back about it. I have six GC, the other 3 sets of GPs all have the one/one set of GC and they do get competitive at times. I figure with 4 children and 6 grandchildren I don't need the hassle. The irony is the children all fight to spend time at my house, I don't flatter myself it is because of their love for me (although I think they do love me) but the big attraction is them all being together. It is a riot when they all stay over, little bodies all over the place and the older ones getting bossed about by little cousins. It is lovely to watch.

I hope all goes well OP.

I think unless there's specific backstory/ issues with your relationship with one family and not the other, you should tell them at the same time. To do anything else is unfair.

I don't really think that fairness to the parents is the main concern
If a pregnant woman wants to talk to her mother/sister I think that's ok
We told our parents together,first time
Can't remember what we did the other times
But I had already told one of my sisters (the one who had kids) at a very early stage
We did not tell the parents this
By the argument on this page O should have told my DH siblings to be fair,but to me that would have been weird as fuck
I have girls and boys and if my boys partner told her family first I genuinely don't think I would mind
It is really not most important thing !

I’m perhaps also biased as I told my mum earlier as I knew she wouldn’t say to anyone! On the other hand, my mil couldn’t shut her mouth and twice told others when I was in the early stages of pregnancy (and threatening to miscarry) despite being told not to tell anyone! I was not impressed! Bit harsh to judge every mother of a son, I'm sure the mothers of daughters can be indiscreet on occasion. I'd never tell anyone if my DIL told me something in confidence. My mother on the other hand was incapable of keeping anything quiet.

It is going to be his child as well. So he also has the right to be happy and tell his close relatives? And I agree with the posters who say mothers with sons are treated differently. I have seen this from my personal experience as well. Mothers who don't want their children to spend time with their fathers side. It has affected some ofy relationships. I never knew some of my relatives because their mother only wanted them to see her side.

It is really not most important thing It might be to the expectant father. What if he wants to tell his mum or his brother or whoever?

Each to their own

Yep. If I'd not taken the fairness of it into account, I'd have told my MIL way before my mum. I trusted her entirely. My mum not so much. In fact barely at all.

I understand how you feel, I felt the same way. Of course it's both your baby, but as you are actually carrying and creating the baby, so it's very personal to your own body and so at this early stage it's natural to want to tell your mum and sister but want to hold off on telling other people with whom you have a more polite, rather than close, relationship with which would include your BF's parents. It's hard to explain but it's not as simple for those describing it as "selfish". It's not selfish.

If for example I had a different matter involving my body and/or health I would probably be comfortable telling my mum and sister but I wouldn't be ringing my DH's parents to tell them as priority something about my body. It's very personal news and takes a lot to get your head around that something happening in your body is also social and shared news.

Your body your say. But this is Mumsnet where biology goes put the window and the poor little man has as much rights as you despite doing fuck all

Fuck you. My husband was a wonderful husband and father, involved and caring from the day we took the pregnancy test. There's no reason to suggest that OP's husband is any different.

Your body your say. But this is Mumsnet where biology goes put the window and the poor little man has as much rights as you despite doing fuck all.

dont know what type of dads you have for your children, but my dh was engaged and as excited about the prospect of becoming a parent as I was and if we had experienced a loss would have been just as broken by it. The woman may go through the physical loss, but the loss of a planned child is just as difficult for an excited expectant dad.
It is not just about the physical loss for a woman either.

Oh and to a PP, I have a DS as well as a DD and I know for a fact that I would completely respect any future DIL of mine's right or need to tell her own mum/sister first, privately. I remember feeling like that myself. I wouldn't put my own "right to know" over the feelings of the DIL. I've had my turn, it would be up to DS and DIL how they wanted to go about things.

Bit harsh to judge every mother of a son, I'm sure the mothers of daughters can be indiscreet on occasion. I'd never tell anyone if my DIL told me something in confidence. My mother on the other hand was incapable of keeping anything quiet.

Wow. Where did they even say that?

I've had a miscarriage and your OH might need support from his family too with regards to his mental health as you would need your family for yours. Take care remember you're more like to not have a miscarriage than have one.

And in fact, I would never put my DS and DIL on the spot and ask who was told what and when and if it was before me and exactly when had they told her parents and all that. That would be selfish of me.

I think it's totally ok to talk to people you are close to. I understand that you'd be ok your closest people knowing if anything happened.

I have a health issue my sisters know about. My dDad, DBro and in-laws have no idea and I will not be telling them. You know your situation better than everyone. As you OH is ok you should do what you want.

I told my in laws before my parents about being pregnant btw.

I think only telling one set of parents would need to be both of your decisions rather than just yours. If your partner is fine, go for it. If he's not fine, respect his decisions and either tell both or neither.

We deliberately announced at a time when both families were together so that nobody could complain. MIL had a tantrum, ran out and cried because she "should have been told before anyone". She's the type who'd never be happy, though, so we did what we thought was right. It's sad that she chose to feel upset about something so lovely, but I also know plenty of other MILs who wouldn't dream of behaving that way, so wouldn't assume others are like mine.

And in fact, I would never put my DS and DIL on the spot and ask who was told what and when and if it was before me and exactly when had they told her parents and all that. That would be selfish of me.

This. As long as family members find out, why does it matter when and who?

As long as her boyfriend’s side is told why does it matter if she tells her mum and sister first. She’s only wanting to tell her mum and sister earlier, not leave his side out entirely.