To tell my family but not his?

[firstpregnancy1]

Hi

I'm currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first baby. 12 week scan booked for 2 weeks time.

At the moment only my very closest friend knows and has known since about 5/6 weeks.

Initially, we were just going to wait to the scan to tell any family at all but the last few weeks I've been thinking that I want to tell my mum and sister sooner.

I'm very prepared to be told I'm being selfish or unfair or unreasonable and I just want to know either way, but whilst I want to tell my sister and mum, I don't want to tell my partners parents/siblings until after the scan.

I know this sounds really unfair, it's both of our baby and it's not fair that one side should get to find out before the other side, and my only reason is purely incase of miscarriage. If we go to the scan and don't receive good news, I'd be fine with my mum and sister knowing but I wouldn't really be that ok with my boyfriends family knowing. There is no backstory or any particular reason other than I'm just quite a private person. But equally I understand that if it isn't good news he may want the support of his family for myself and it's not just about me.

So I'm unsure on what's right or fair. And really it's just 2 weeks until the scan so could easily just wait 2 weeks to tell everyone, but the time is currently passing so slowly at the moment with everyone cooped up at home!

Any advice welcome! Perfectly prepared to be told that it wouldn't be fair to tell one side and not the other, just please don't be unnecessarily nasty about it 😃

We told my family first.
My DP didn't tell his parents until after we had a scan.

It was a mutual decision and actually worked out really well (we told his mother she was going to be a granny for the first time on her birthday).

It completely depends on how your partner feels about it.

I've had a previous miscarriage and felt I needed to tell my mum, just in case.

I would probably wait, especially as it sounds as though you are reasonably happy to do that.
However, if it is bad news at 12 weeks, then you and your husband can still tell whoever you want then - just because people didn't know beforehand, doesn't mean you can't ask them for support!
It's important to be fair about this kind of thing. There's a risk that news may leak out and the other parents be upset that they weren't in the know. If you want to chat, probably best to pick a friend who doesn't know your parents.
If it's your first child, be aware that both parents and in laws can react very strangely - it certainly surprised me and previously good relationships became rather strained. So avoid setting yourself up for any issues by being scrupulously fair and not telling anyone anything unless you are certain you want them to know

YABU. We have had bad news at two 12 week scans and both needed support.

*There is a lot of shutting Dads out of pregnancy and child rearing and then complaining of lack of interest from the father.
*
This 100%

YABU. We have had bad news at two 12 week scans and both needed support

But that's irrelevant... would family refuse to support you had they not been told before the scan?

No one is suggesting the DH would not be able to tell his family after the scan. The reason for keeping it quiet beforehand is to prevent people making well meaning mistakes and upsetting you...not that it has to remain a secret forever more

Really unfair. I don’t understand anyone even considering it. Ten weeks pregnant and the paternal grandparents are second class already, it doesn’t bode well for when the baby arrives.

Mmm I know what you're saying but personally I'd just keep a lid on it.

If your partner's family later realised that your family knew two weeks before then I think it would have the potential to cause some upset even if they're not the types to say anything and I don't think it's worth it.

Chances are your news will be happy and then you can share with everyone. If it's bad news then I think it's understandable to only share with your mum and sister of your partner is ok with that.

Try imagining that you have a son and in twenty or thirty years time his partner falls pregnant but you're told significantly after the other side of the family. I think you might feel like second class grandparents.

Not worth it is my two cents!

Pregnancy news is not some kind of cake to be shared absolutely evenly.

It's up to each couple involved to decide what works for them, and if they want to keep it quiet how reliable the people they tell will be.
I actually knew that DH's brother's wife was pregnant before he did, and before his parents did. Did it make any difference in the scheme of things? No.
Any time I've heard about a pregnancy loss I have just supported the parents without wondering who knew first and where I fitted into that unimportant pecking order.

You would definitely NOT be unreasonable, OR selfish! The fact of the matter is, it is you that carries the child, and the pregnant mum will be closer (at least all being ok with your family) to her mother.

That, is normal. It is normal to tell maternal relatives first. It is also normal to have your mother with you in delivery, and not your MIL. It is normal for a reason. You as a expecting mother will have a closer bond with your mother. This means naturally that your mother would know the news first. I see no reason why you can't tell your mother first, and his in 2 weeks time. I would think that would be standard and completely normal.

It is also normal to have your mother with you in delivery, and not your MIL.

Is it? I don’t think it’s normal to have either there. I wouldn’t have wanted my mum in the delivery room.

I was saying it is more normal to have your own mother there than your MIL there. Not that it was normal for your mother there full stop. I thought about adding that disclaimer part explaining that I am saying that in the case of not having a partner or wanting your mum there, not that it is normal per se, but thought it would be obvious. Sorry, I shouldn't have assumed and should have explained better.

You as a expecting mother will have a closer bond with your mother.

And who does the expectant father have a closer bond with? His own parents.

I see no reason why you can't tell your mother first, and his in 2 weeks time.

I can see many reason why they should be told. The main one being to support their son if he needs it the same way ops parents would support her. Not wanting them told and taking that option of support away from him is unfair.
They are both about to become parents. In the event of a miscarriage the emotional trauma they will both experience lasts much longer than the physical, but the op is suggesting her dh should not have no access to his own support, that is unfair and basically saying his feelings/worries at becoming a dad are not respected and don't matter.

No one is suggesting the DH would not be able to tell his family after the scan. The reason for keeping it quiet beforehand is to prevent people making well meaning mistakes and upsetting you...not that it has to remain a secret forever more

Exactly!

You would think OP said that she didn’t want her in-laws to know at all. That would be unfair. She is just wanting to tell them at a different time. It is two weeks. Any parent that cares more about who was told first than happy about a future grandchild needs to get their priorities straight. It’s not about them nor is it setting it up for the in-laws to be considered second-class.

I told my DM first, definitely before his DFam. My reasons are why I doublebarrelled my name, they treated me like sh*T and didn't deserve to know anything about me before I wanted them to know.

If they've treated you well and you like them why wouldn't you want them all to know at the same time.

My DM is actually my BFF, so our relationship is very different from most.

What if dh needs support from his family in event of bad news? Tell them both same time

You are pregnant, and it's wonderful, but it's not all about you.

This is the one time in your life that it actually is all about you - your health, your emotions, what you’re comfortable with, what you need.

I’m (almost) a mother of two sons. My mum knew before MIL because I needed her support with terrible morning sickness and sharing her pregnancy experience etc.

MIL has had an open invitation to our house ever since DS was born. She’s every bit as much his grandmother as my mum is. When I was pregnant, however, it was my pregnancy, my body, my symptoms.

DH had a complete lobotomy at the time and fucked off abroad with his football team, leaving my mum to mop up puddles of sick, rub my back and bring me digestive biscuits. He certainly didn’t need his mums support like I did. And he’s never done anything so stupid again, safe to say

I think you should tell both sides at the same time, be this now or later.

I don't really see the problem if your partner is fine about it.

I understand how you feel as well - at this point the pregnancy is quite a personal thing happening to your body, and I don't see any harm in not wanting to divulge that kind of medical information to people you aren't comfortable with until you know it's viable. In the same way that you might want your mum present at the birth, but not his - it's just the nature of the pregnancy part happening to the woman, not a show of inequality.

I would discuss it with him and see what he wants. He may be happy to not tell his family until the scan. Even if he would like emotional support there’s no rule that you can only discuss mc if you have announced the pregnancy first.

But I don’t think it is at all unfair to tell one family the news first.

If he's fine with it, then there isn't really a problem here.
What I do know from personal experience is that, if the worst does happen, he will be grieving too. You will most likely be too caught up in your own grief and pain to acknowledge his and comfort him, as will your family. He will need to turn to his family.

I don’t think it’s selfish. Life is not fair.
Yes the baby is both of yours but you’re not exactly doing the same to bring it to the world. You’re the one who is pregnant, it’s your body, you’re the one risking your health.
Just tell them imo and don’t feel bad.

if the worst does happen, he will be grieving too. You will most likely be too caught up in your own grief and pain to acknowledge his and comfort him

I'm sorry you've also suffered losses @TheSoapyFrog and that this has been your experience of the aftermath. It wasn't mine. If anything, the shared grief brought us closer. And anyone ever turning to DH's family for comfort - DH not excluded - would be left sorely disappointed. I did go along with DH's desire to tell his family (with one exception). It ended up harming us both, as I believed all along it would, but I gave them this opportunity along with many others to prove me wrong. Sadly, they've never done so yet.

Different circumstances call for different responses. Only OP knows why she isn't comfortable with telling her in-laws before the 12-week scan. It's those insticts that should be driving her decision. A few weeks won't make a blind bit of difference and the suggestion that this is relegating them to 'second class status' is obviously nonsense. The child isn't even here yet. Right now no one has the 'right' to know anything.

Your reason for not telling until the scan is because of the risk of miscarriage. You wouldn't mind your own family knowing, and would appreciate their support

But if you do miscarry, it is very likely you will tell his family that anyway, isn't it.

Tell both sides or tell none. Once you start telling people you no longer have control over the information. Your mum might excitedly tell a close friend and swear her to secrecy. Your sister the same. You can't guarantee they won't.

Selfish and unfair

Just wait two more weeks and then tell everyone!