To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

[Shortbreadaddict]

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

Why do people keep suggesting the OP demand this or demand that. You don't get to demand things of other people because you happen to be a mother FFS.

You've absolutely no authority over how your child's father spends his time with them and you certainly have no authority over another woman who's nothing to do with you.

You have no right to go about demanding things. It makes you look ridiculously self righteous.

He might be worried you will recognise her from somewhere?

OP has seen her picture, knows her name and knows what job she does.

@LellyMcKelly I meant moral right tbh.

Alot of people piping up are saying things like "i wouldn't want to meet my partner's ex/new gf" but it's not about you. It's about ensuring safety and wellbeing of the children.
Yes, it's unlikely the women is some kind of abuser, etc. But it's better safe than sorry imo. Everyone can sometimes have clouded judgement.

I for one wouldn't be going out of my way to meet a woman that demanded my partner have a discussion with her about meeting me.

How on earth is it reasonable for two people to have a discussion about meeting a third person who isn't part of that conversation? You don't get to decide if you meet her or not. She's her own bloody person!

Yes, it's unlikely the women is some kind of abuser, etc. But it's better safe than sorry imo. Everyone can sometimes have clouded judgement

And how are you going to judge that based on saying hi at the doorstep??

It's more likely you'll be able to make a judgement by the way your children speak about her. And the OPs children speak about her positively.

I meant moral right tbh

Whatever moral rights you believe to have don't trump the actual rights of the father and his girlfriend.

LittleMc I absolutely would DEMAND to know why a person who is bathing my DC, putting them to bed, influencing them while he/she is with them, is not adult enough to agree to meet me as the children’s mother so I know who they are. Wouldn’t you?

Wouldn’t you?

No because I'm not deluded enough self righteous to think I have a right to DEMAND anything of the sort.

You can parade about waving your 'but I'm their MOTHER' banner all you like but the fact of the matter is he is their father, he has as much PR over those children as you do and he doesn't have to discuss his relationship with you whether you demand it or not. And she is a PERSON who can decide who she meets and when, you certainly don't get to demand anything of her.

You seem to think she should get no say in the matter? Is that right?

If my ex started demanding discussions with me about my relationship I'd think he was a complete arse, ignore him and be even less inclined to do what he was asking in the future.

And let's me honest, the only reason you want to demand a meeting is so you can look her up and down and show your authority over the situation.

You're not God in this situation. You don't get to decide what other people do.

so I know who they are

OP already has her name, what her job is and has seen her picture.

No one has yet answered... What are you hoping to gain by saying hello to her at the door?

It's about ensuring safety and wellbeing of the children.
Yes, it's unlikely the women is some kind of abuser, etc. But it's better safe than sorry imo. Everyone can sometimes have clouded judgement.

In what way will the OP meeting someone on the doorstep for two minutes better safeguard her children than their own father’s judgement?

My ex tried that tactic and was told by the court that he has no rights to meet anyone I introduced the children to and, equally, I’m expected to trust his judgement on safeguarding the children in regard to people he introduced them too.

@LittleMcJiggle Well I'd expect the "hi" at the doorstep to be the path on getting to know her and not just stop at that. I don't mean becoming besties but just general small talk and able to communicate directly (if there is need) in the future. You CAN pick up alot from that. I guess it just boils down to different standards of parenting.
What would make me even more intent on meeting the GF is how mysterious OPs ex is being. If he's hidding something, I'd want to know.
It's not about legalities trumping anything. It's about being amicable and wanting a good co-parenting relationship to continue. If OPs ex doesn't want them to meet, be a man about it and say why. They can then go from there, but the mystery act would honestly make me worry.
I appreciate it's something that can't be pushed right now but I would make it very clear that I want an introduction at some point, not to "interview" her but to get to know her. What on earth is so bad about that?

but it's not about you. It's about ensuring safety and wellbeing of the children.
The father ensures that. It is none of the mother’s business at that point.

In what way will the OP meeting someone on the doorstep for two minutes better safeguard her children than their own father’s judgement?

Exactly. It's an attempt to show off mum's authority over the situation posed under a faux concern over children's safety. It's embarrassing.

@LittleMcJiggle I'm not saying I want a full on interview at a coffee shop, I just want to say hello and meet her at drop offs. This is someone who spends a lot of time with my children, not only looks after them but is also left alone with them without their father, goodness knows who many times.

He's never said no, and like I said how do I know she's the one that doesn't want to meet him? I'm going to ask him face to face next week and get a clear answer, if he says no that's that. Nothing I can do. I'm not going to stop him seeing his kids. I'm also curious to know how he will act when if I meet someone new.

Our relationship broke down, but I trust him 100% with the children and he's a good father. He's also not the type of guy that goes from relationship to relationship, this is his first relationship since we split up in 2017.

I don't share a child/children with any of my exes, but alot of you seem to be coming from the 'new woman ' angle and feel the mother would be parading their authority by wanting to meet. For me, it wouldn't be that at all. BUT, you do also have to respect they are the child's mother. If I was the new GF, I'd actually want to meet the mother st some point too. It comes across like a strange setup otherwise to me. Kids aren't dogs or cattle.

how mysterious OPs ex is being

The OP has seen her picture, knows her name and knows her job. It's really not that mysterious.

And there is nothing at all bad about wanting to meet her. I've said I understand that already. What I really do protest against is this 'Im the mother so I can DEMAND she meets me' attitude. It reeks of self importance and not actually seeing the girlfriend as a her own person who is not under anyone elses control.

You may want to get to know her. She may well not want to get to know you. You'll have to accept that because you have no right to demand otherwise.

@LittleMcJiggle can I ask, are you a man or woman?

Okay OP, I get that. Most of my replies have been to other posters suggesting you demand all sorts of ridiculous things.

I get you want to say hello and that's it but what for? Why do you want to do it so badly that you need to keep asking? It's already plainly obvious that either he or she doesn't want to right now. Why can't you leave it? Why do you need to ask again to get a clear answer?

If this lasts there will be plenty of opportunities in the future to meet her. The first time I ever properly met my step children's mum was when one of them was in hospital and I went to visit. We chatted and got on okay and now have a bit of a chat at the door because it wasn't some fabricated meeting that she kept pestering my husband for.

Just leave it alone. You've said you trust his judgement so trust it.

I would make it very clear that I want an introduction at some point, not to "interview" her but to get to know her. What on earth is so bad about that?
You can want to get to know her all you like, but she might not want to know you, and your ex might not want you to either. Why should your want trump theirs, or hers? It doesn’t. It’s understandable, but “bad” because it’s entitled, because it shows you are controlling, because you don’t trust your ex, because you are intruding into a household that has nothing to do with you, because you’re nosey, because you see your DC as belonging to you, etc.

I'm a woman with children and step children and a husband.

I'm a woman who didn't meet her step kids mother for a while but eventually did (naturally) and gets on well with her now.

If she'd have been anything like some of the posters here I certainly wouldn't have been keen.

Definitely you'd want to meet her if your kids are around her. Not weird at all to want to meet her. Say you have a new boyfriend living with you but he can't meet him however he will be living with your kids now and see if he then understands (joking a bit but he might see your point then).

My ex left me over 2 years ago and moved in with ow. I laid eyes on her once. When she was in the car at pick up and the kids left shoes behind I took out to the car.

I have no interest in meeting her. I assume the children's father can make the right decisions about who is around the children when in his care. And his relationship is none of my business. Just as mine are none of his.

I realise this might not work for everyone. But it does for me. I wish her no harm and always speak positively about their time with them.

@LittleMcJiggle Ok, it's because I've asked him text and he's a very jokey person, so I don't know if he genuinely doesn't want me to meet her or not. This is why I said I'm going to ask him face to face when he drops the kids off next week. Whatever he says after that goes, I'm just going to leave it then.

Why do you need to meet her?

You're far too fixated on this and it isnt healthy tbh.

She clearly doesnt want to meet you. Respect that.