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Original poster

To not understand why he doesn't want me to meet her?

340 replies

Shortbreadaddict · 05/04/2020 07:04

Ex met his girlfriend a year ago, and moved in with her 6-7 months later. He normally picks/drops the kids off, but for the past 2 week I’ve dropped the kids off. He lives 10 mins away, so we walk to his house. Tbh I offered to drop them off hoping to meet his girlfriend. First time I dropped them off, I got to his house knocked on the door and he asked me why I didn’t call him when I passed x train station. He apparently sent me the message to call once I pass x train station. I just didn’t see it cuz my phone was in my bag. When I got there, I asked if I could say a quick hello to his girlfriend. I’d like to meet her. I didn’t want to come in, just say hi at the door. He said she wasn’t home. Ok

Fast forward til yesterday, I dropped them off again. I called him when I passed x train station like he told me to (he lives 2 mins from there) I then see him walk towards us, he just said a quick hi took the kids and walked off. I thought that was weird, he obviously didn’t want me to drop them off at his house.

I sent him a jokey message later saying ‘ thanks for letting me your girlfriend, she’s lovely’ but he didn’t respond.

I’ve asked him a few times if I can meet her, he either changes the subject, makes a joke or doesn’t respond. We got on OK, no problems. I just don’t understand why he’s being so weird about this. It’s not a big deal, just want to say hi and meet the woman my children are around. I’d invite him in if I had a boyfriend and he dropped the kids off.

OP posts:
rosieposies · 05/04/2020 10:44

People saying you are obsessed with it, honestly 😂

Completely get where you're coming from OP and id be the same. I'd say if you haven't met her in the next 6 months it's time to say something.

I was terrified of meeting my stepsons mum, and put it off for an extremely long time because she just made me so nervous.

19lottie82 · 05/04/2020 10:45

I’d say chances are your ex has been slagging you off to her and is now embarrassed.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:46

You have every right to meet your exes partner

No she doesn't.

The people who do have rights in this scenario:

  1. The father. He has a right to decide who is around his kids during his contact time. Considering he is a parent with PR just as much as OP is, he has a right to make those decisions.
  1. The girlfriend. She has a right to decide she doesn't want to meet her partner's ex. Considering she is an individual person who has autonomy over her own life, she does not have to meet anyone she doesn't want to (if that's even the reason).

People telling the OP she has a RIGHT to demand X Y or Z are factually incorrect. Please stop.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:50

the depersonalisation of her on this thread from people that think it's her partner and his ex's choice what she does is really disturbing

Agreed. Really really disturbing. Imagine thinking you have a right to demand another person meet you Confused

bobstersmum · 05/04/2020 10:51

Maybe it's not a girlfriend, it's a boyfriend?

LynetteScavo · 05/04/2020 10:53

Oh, I like the boyfriend theory!

Candyfloss99 · 05/04/2020 10:54

the depersonalisation of her on this thread from people that think it's her partner and his ex's choice what she does is really disturbing

So true. The gf is actually a real life person with her own feelings which the OP doesn't seem to realise.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2020 10:54

@LittleMcJiggle thankyou!! And that's just considering norm circumstances, let alone the situation at the moment... I really cannot fathom how anyone could think it was strange that she doesn't want to meet right now. If I can't meet my own parents I'm sure as hell not meeting my partners ex so she can pass judgment on me!

Igotthemheavyboobs · 05/04/2020 10:55

I know the people telling OP she has the right to meet her exes new partner are trying to be supportive but please stop. OP will end up looking like a fucking idiot turning up at his house quoting rights that don't actually exist.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 10:56

It's typical of most scenarios like this though to be honest. Mum says jump, Dad and most of all his partner, who is no longer her own person but simply an extension of the father, should ask how high otherwise they are unreasonable.

windmill4865 · 05/04/2020 10:57

You probably know her.....either as a friend or acquaintance....

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 11:01

Windmill, OP has seen her picture, she knows her name and her job already because her ex told her this at the start of the relationship.

There really is no huge secret as to her identity. I'm not sure what else there is to be gained from forcing a hello at the door.

PumpkinP · 05/04/2020 11:02

I must be weird as I personally wouldn’t want to meet any of exes gf, and it’s not because I don’t give a shit who my kids are around (not sure how you would be able to tell anything from a quick hello anyway?) but I would have to trust exes judgement, like I wouldn’t want to introduce him to any men I was dating as we don’t get on and he is abusive. I would hate him thinking he has a right to meet anyone I’m dating.

WinterCat · 05/04/2020 11:09

People saying you are obsessed with it, honestly

The OP has seen a photo, stalked her on social media, texted her ex, deliberately offered to drop children off to try to see her on the doorstep, asked at the house, asked by text and in person, started an online thread and who knows what else.

What point of no means no do you not understand? This has gone beyond a reasonable question asked and answered, and is now at the stage the OP sounds obsessed with getting her own way.

joydivisionovengloves71 · 05/04/2020 11:09

@PumpkinP is spot on, you need to trust your ex's judgement, or do you not? I didn't meet my ex's now wife for a long time, I knew how much he cared for our kids and wouldn't have put them at risk.

DollyDaydream70 · 05/04/2020 11:16

My children would not be going to my ex's house again until I've met and spoken to the new girlfriend. Nothing weird about it.

RedWine123 · 05/04/2020 11:21

I would also want to meet someone that was spending time with my children. Take time and start by asking your kids about her, see what they think.

aSofaNearYou · 05/04/2020 11:24

My children would not be going to my ex's house again until I've met and spoken to the new girlfriend. Nothing weird about it.

Of course that is weird. What if you got a new partner and your ex kept the kids at his until you had spoken to them? Would you consider that acceptable? He is as much their parent as she is, she doesn't have the right to withhold contact because he doesn't do what she says. That is so incredibly self righteous.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 11:25

My children would not be going to my ex's house again until I've met and spoken to the new girlfriend. Nothing weird about it

In that case you'd be totally unreasonable and I'd hope your ex would take the matter to court where you can explain that the reason you stopped contact was because your exes girlfriend didn't meet your ridiculous demands of saying hello at the door.

Take time and start by asking your kids about her, see what they think

They've already told OP what they think. They like her, she's good to them. That's all OP needs to know.

She already knows her name, job and has seen her face. What next? Does she need to submit her NI number and blood type to the OP for further evaluation before it can be decided if it's okay for her to date OPs ex?

People are being ridiculous. You either trust your child's other parent or you don't. If you don't, take it to court but you better have some genuine reasons, and those can't be 'i want to meet his girlfriend but he said no'.

Daisydoesnt · 05/04/2020 11:27

OP I understand why you want to meet her, but the more you push this the less likely it is to happen. You might think that a quick shared “hello” on the doorstep might make you feel better but it won’t - it won’t tell you anything about her in any meaningful way.

I’m a stepmother (now both adults though) and I can imagine not wanting to meet the children’s mum, especially if I got the feeling the mum was trying to force/ engineer a meeting (which is what you have been doing).

I also get the feeling that your ex is trying to install some “space” between you all, shown by his requests for you to text when you’re a few minutes away. You mentioned that you all live quite close to each other, so I can imagine that, coupled with the thought of you turning up at their home early, might leave them feeling a bit invaded. They are giving you a very clear message.

Stop forcing the issue.

LittleMcJiggle · 05/04/2020 11:28

And still no one has actually answered what they would hope to gain from saying hello at the door?

Unless that's not actually what you want and what you want is to conduct a full blow interrogation?

What happens if you decide in the 10 seconds it takes to say hi at the doorstep that you don't like her? Are you also going to demand he breaks it off and finds someone you deem more suitable?

CoronaIsShit · 05/04/2020 11:30

Absolutely you should meet the person who is sharing a home with your DCsHmm. Something very odd going on there and I would demand a discussion about it with it your ex.

As a side note I find it really irresponsible that parents cannot take this virus seriously enough to agree that ONE parent is in lock down with the DC. You say your ex’s partner has a DD? Is that DD going to her fathers house as well? Does your ex or his partner go out to work? Maybe the ex’s partner’s DD’s father also has DC that live with him that are going to other parent’s households and it goes on.

CardamomTea · 05/04/2020 11:30

He might be worried you will recognise her from somewhere?

NorthernSpirit · 05/04/2020 11:32

He doesn’t want you to meet her, or she doesn’t want to meet you.

You don’t have to meet her.

For all those saying you have a right blah blah as she’s spending time with your kids. You don’t.

I’ve been with my OH 6 years, have known his kids for 5.5 and have lived with their dad for 4 years. Have never met their mother and have no interest in meeting her.

Let the dad parent.

kmc1111 · 05/04/2020 11:34

I don’t understand this interest in ‘meeting the new gf/bf’ when all you mean is you want to look them up and down and say hello. What does anyone think they’re going to learn from that that’s worth pushing the issue?

If you wanted to take them out for a coffee and have a big chat, you’d still have absolutely no right to that, but at least it would make some sense. This ‘saying hello at the door’ serves absolutely no purpose beyond proving they do in fact exist, which OP doesn’t appear to have any doubts about.

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