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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Circumcision?

177 replies

Poppygirl96 · 03/04/2020 19:17

Me and my ex have recently split up and we have a 5 month old son. He told me when I was pregnant that he wanted to get our son circumcised due to his religion and that it was really important to him. I was heavily pregnant tired and not really thinking much about it so I blindly agreed. However I have been thinking about it a lot and really don’t want our son to get unnecessarily cut even if it is for religious reasons.

My ex says it’s also to keep him clean but I don’t see the point. We haven’t found anyone to do the surgery as our son was prem so we couldn’t and now there’s COVID-19 so we can’t go now. If I bring it up and go against him, I know my ex will be pissed and it will cause a huge argument especially as it’s so important to him, his mother and his religion.

I don’t want to ruin co-parenting with him and cause issues so I’m not sure what to do/say. AIBU in saying I don’t want to go ahead with it?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 03/04/2020 19:43

And yes, I would be worried that your ex would do it when he has him alone

AgeLikeWine · 03/04/2020 19:45

@movingoceans

I would love to hear your ‘rationale’ arguments in favour of MGM?

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 03/04/2020 19:45

Thanks for the responses, I agree with most people on here that I really don’t want to go ahead with it, I guess my main question is how do I go about delicately mentioning this to my ex without him getting really angry and start acting strange in terms of co parenting :(

OP posts:
Neednewwellies · 03/04/2020 19:50

@pleasepleasepleasehelp, what part of these answers neither rational or sensible? Do you mean the comparison to FGM? Well physically it’s a different procedure and of course FGM can and does almost always cause horrific pain and infection but that doesn’t mean that circumcising boys doesn’t fall under the title of unnecessary mutilation; because it does.

Religious practices should only be allowed by law, and indeed protected by law, when they are benign.

Original poster
Poppygirl96 · 03/04/2020 19:50

@movingoceans yes I suppose you’re right, I am very against I just didn’t know where else to put this where I’d get much traffic. I did tell my ex during pregnancy that I’d agree to it so I feel really bad going against him now because I don’t want to come across as being difficult or cause an argument so I really do wonder AIBU to change my mind :(

OP posts:
Mamato2gorgeousboys · 03/04/2020 19:58

I agree with the other pp’s who said only on medical grounds. You need to stand up for your baby as you are his voice. I don’t know what legal options there are but I would also try and get something in writing as you don’t want him taking your ds for the procedure on his contact days. If he says it’s for religious reasons, he may do it behind your back, especially with his mother in his ear.

sallyedmondson · 03/04/2020 19:58

This boils down to what is best for your baby not about upsetting his father.
Read up on it and then make up your mind. If then you are against it its the no contest. Any father who will let that decision affect his co parenting is not putting his child first. Does he have parental rights?

Neednewwellies · 03/04/2020 19:59

Ask him why it’s so important to him? Family pressure or family tradition cannot be a reason for this. Plenty of our grandparents and indeed our parents smacked their children. Most of our generation do not because we know it’s simply unacceptable to inflict pain on our young child. Previous generations knew no better. We do. We have abandoned this tradition because it had no place in our modern world.

Every parent considering this should watch it on YouTube then decide. These mothers who hide away from what they’re doing or sit crying in the bedroom whilst it happens are a bloody disgrace. How dare they sanction such a horror yet recoil from witnessing it. Angry

AgeLikeWine · 03/04/2020 20:00

OP, don’t you think it should be your son’s decision as to whether or not his foreskin, or any other part of his anatomy is chopped off without medical reason.

If it’s something he feels strongly about, he can always make the decision himself to have the procedure done when he is 18.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 03/04/2020 20:02

No way i would be letting someone mutilate my child.

My child can make his own decisions on religion when hes older, no way o would be forcing my beliefs onto him

FrippEnos · 03/04/2020 20:02

Unless for medical reasons it shouldn't be done.

If your Ex is adamant that it should be done I wouldn't leave the DC alone with him.

MulticolourMophead · 03/04/2020 20:04

I did tell my ex during pregnancy that I’d agree to it so I feel really bad going against him now because I don’t want to come across as being difficult or cause an argument so I really do wonder AIBU to change my mind

You need to get rid of the mindset that you can't go against your ex. You can. You need to be putting your DS's interests first.

So, you've had a good think now and have decided not to go ahead. Unless both parents agree, then it can't be done.

DickAmbush · 03/04/2020 20:05

I'm Jewish and neither of my DC are circumcised. If THEY choose to be circumcised in adulthood, so be it, but neither me, my DH, OR my religion gets to make that decision for them.

Bookoffacts · 03/04/2020 20:08

I think that it's male genital mutilation.

Montsti · 03/04/2020 20:09

My husband is circumcised as are many men his age in the country that he was born in...for no other reason than it was/is the done thing...

When I was pregnant with our 1st child, a boy, my husband wanted him to be circumcised. My response was that was fine as long as we did the same for any daughters we might have In the future...he looked at me in horror and backed down immediately....

Completely barbaric and unnecessary unless for medical reasons...

TerrorWig · 03/04/2020 20:09

@AgeLikeWine FGM entails cutting off the girls clitoris and sewing her labia together. Sometimes using a piece of glass.

I’m no fan of circumcision, I don’t think it should be allowed outside of medical requirements, but it is NOT the same as FGM. You do no favours to the girls completely mutilated by it asserting that it is.

@Poppygirl96 I think your problem might be that your son’s dad can legally and legitimately take him to have it done while he looks after him alone. I have to admit to not knowing this as fact, so you might need to speak to a lawyer.

AgeLikeWine · 03/04/2020 20:14

@TerrorWig

The details of the procedures may differ, but the principle does not. Mutilating the genitals of infants for not medical reason is indefensible and should be banned. Full stop.

This isn’t child mutilation top trumps.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 03/04/2020 20:15

Fgm really causes more than does almost always cause horrific pain and infection .
Do people actually know what FGM actually isConfused "Almost always"... Bloody hell.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 03/04/2020 20:16

I don’t think it should be allowed outside of medical requirements, but it is NOT the same as FGM. You do no favours to the girls completely mutilated by it asserting that it is.
Absolutely! This can spectacularly backfire

Veterinari · 03/04/2020 20:16

@Poppygirl96

Your priority has to be your son's health and well-being, not appeasing your ex.

Look at your baby boy - he is vulnerable and helpless, you're the person responsible for safeguarding him - even if it means upsetting his father. This might be your first battle but it's unlikely to be your last - you need to prepare yourself to be unpopular with him.

Have a look here and reflect on why appeasing your ex is as important as safeguarding your child - it shouldn't be
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/04/2020 20:17

how do I go about delicately mentioning this to my ex without him getting really angry and start acting strange in terms of co parenting

If he's the sort to "get really angry" instead of discussing this rationally I doubt you can, and like PPs I'd also worry that he and his mum will arrange to have it done whether you agree or not

You've not said whether you were married or if he has PR/is on the birth certificate, but hopefully more experienced posters will be able to suggest the best way to keep your DS safe

malonybalony · 03/04/2020 20:21

Yanbu, but is there a chance he might do it anyway behind your back?

TerrorWig · 03/04/2020 20:22

‘The details of the procedure may differ’ Hmm

Yes one is a procedure and one is having your genitals scraped off with glass on someone’s table top. Completely removing your ability - as a desired consequence! - to feel sexual pleasure. That is not the case for circumcision. They are both barbaric and outdated.

You’re right it’s not genital top trumps @AgeLikeWine. They are two different things, with some similarity.

cremuel · 03/04/2020 20:24

The principle of circumcision and FGM absolutely do differ, drastically. The point of FGM is to control female sexuality by making sex unpleasant and painful for life. That is neither the intention nor the result of circumcision. I think circumcision is abhorrent but most men who are circumcised live normal lives and have healthy sex lives. I really don’t think it’s right to claim it’s akin to FGM.

TerrorWig · 03/04/2020 20:25

^^thanks @cremuel you’ve put it better than me.