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Original poster

DH off on full pay whilst I work at home

149 replies

EllJ · 02/04/2020 14:12

I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to go (painting, clearing out cupboards etc. Etc.) when we're both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics- e.g. dishes from last nights dinner sat until lunchtime today and he was frustrated when I mentioned it as he was about to sort... Hmm. I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum.

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I just accept that I have to work and he doesn't, and continue to do my normal fair share of housework? The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things.

Not sure I can come out the other side of this as anything resembling a nice person Grin

OP posts:
Bananacloud · 02/04/2020 14:14

He sounds like a tosser! Useless bastard!

madcatladyforever · 02/04/2020 14:15

Lazy shit. I'm sick and tired of men like this.

forkfun · 02/04/2020 14:15

YANBU. He needs to step up.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/04/2020 14:16

Workshy sod

Needs a firework up his lazy arse

PianoTuner567 · 02/04/2020 14:16

He needs to be doing everything!

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 02/04/2020 14:17

Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild. So many of these. Honestly, I hope a lot of such women wise up and divorce these sexist bastards after all this over, at least on your own you have only your own mess to clean up.

ifonly4 · 02/04/2020 14:19

We're the other way around, DH working at home and I only have to go into work one day a week.

I tend to do the housework, cooking, some gardening anyway, so I guess it's more natural for me but I'm slowly going through every room, cleaning and dusting every surface, and decluttering. I'll also be doing the gardening to keep busy, unless DH just fancies doing something more physical. Also, I'm making all DH's drinks for him, with the exception of today I've made all his lunches.

In the ideal world, he needs a kick up the ... . Have you tried sitting down and discussing it properly - if the work is done it means you've both got more time quality time together if nothing else.

DonnaDarko · 02/04/2020 14:22

YANBU at all

DP Is the one WFH. I've been furloughed so I'm doing a lot of the housework as well as caring for DS. He still chips in though - I stopped him from doing dishes on his lunch break lol

Christmastree43 · 02/04/2020 14:24

Hi OP, I've had pretty much the same form DP, he has done more around the house but not as much as I'd hope, I wish he'd deep clean the house but so far he's spent the majority of his time asleep or on the xbox.

He has done some extra jobs like a bit of gardening, rearranging the loft, cleaning outside windows, but does seem to want a medal for doing one extra thing a day Hmm

I'm hoping xbox novelty will wear off soon enough.

Not much help but just wanted to say you're not the only one.

I'm just trying to keep the peace tbh and not cause arguments about it as we have to be in the house together for who knows how long so it's not worth making it a misery is it.

Original poster
EllJ · 02/04/2020 14:24

To be fair he is doing the meals which is great, but we would eat every day anyway so it's not anything over and above the norm. It feels like a constant slog trying to get the basics done.

I have tried everything I can think of - sitting taking about it, explaining my reasoning and feelings on it, asking what I can do to help sort, suggested making a list, losing the plot completely... nothing changes.

I feel like such a nag and I don't want to be, but if it was the other way round I would be keeping busy with housey jobs for the majority of the day and I am so wound up that he just won't step up

OP posts:
TeeniefaeTroon · 02/04/2020 14:25

We're the opposite, my husband is working from home while I'm on furlough. It's making me feel really guilty. I get up around about the same time as him and keep busy all day doing housework, cooking and looking after the kids.

If he was off work and I was working he wouldn't be sitting on his arse all day either.

Original poster
EllJ · 02/04/2020 14:27

Good to hear I'm not the only one (although I wouldn't wish the rage on anyone).
@christmastree43 it's those types of jobs I think this is the perfect chance to get on top of - loft, windows etc. But he just doesn't see it.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 02/04/2020 14:29

The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things

So you thought that the only thing stopping him from doing more housework was...time?

Why did you think that? Its not that he's never had time to do it before. It's that he sees housework as your job, and has no desire to pitch in, do his share, keep on top of it, or anything else.

He sees you as a bangmaid. You are there to pick up after him, make him food and have sex with him.

Original poster
EllJ · 02/04/2020 14:30

@finewords by upkeep stuff I meant the painting, clearing out type jobs, but I hear what you're saying though

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/04/2020 14:30

Do you have children at home, OP?

TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 02/04/2020 14:30

But he just doesn't see it.

He doesn't give a shit, Ell.

Original poster
EllJ · 02/04/2020 14:30

@hollowtalk nope, no children

OP posts:
TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg · 02/04/2020 14:31

What Fine said, spot on.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/04/2020 14:33

I don’t think it’s necessarily reasonable to expect him to do projects that wouldn’t get done normally - unless they are urgent or there is some other compelling reason. But you shouldn’t be working a full day while he lazes around and then have to do the housework after.

This would probably drive me mad and I would be questioning the relationship if he really wasn’t prepared to change. But I would probably already have done that if he has been leaving housework up to you when you both work. I would say, however, that you need to consider whose standards are not being met, here. If he would live like a bit of a slob without you and you have much higher standards then I think there’s a bit of a compromise to be made (and I mean compromise, not one person dictating the standard).

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2020 14:33

The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things

You're expecting to rewrite your entire relationship during a pandemic. Pick a super stressful time, when everything is changed completely, then ask your partner to totally change again.

I'm not saying you're wrong, just completely unrealistic. Small, manageable change. "Darling, it makes me murderous unhappy when the dinner dishes are there at lunch. Please can you deal with them before 10am? Thanks". I know I know, you shouldn't have to. But do you want to be pissed off or divorced? Many people will be by the end of this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2020 14:35

BTW I wouldn't put up with this on an average Wednesday.

champagneandfromage50 · 02/04/2020 14:38

Sorry but you have been enabling him to do nothing at home.....not sure why your suddenly expecting him to change now? ....lazy manchild

Original poster
EllJ · 02/04/2020 14:42

I don't think I keep standards too high... clean and tidy but I'm certainly not manic about things being done to perfection (god knows I'm no perfectionist).
I don't know how to approach it with him anymore. There's nothing attractive to me about laziness and I'm struggling to relax in my downtime because it's getting to me so much.
The alternative to enabling it out with current circumstances is to live in a dirty or unkempt home which is far from ideal too.

OP posts:
willowpatterns · 02/04/2020 14:43

Useless bastard!

^ this just about sums it up in a nutshell.

Christmastree43 · 02/04/2020 14:46

@MrsTerryPratchett I think you have a point, it's not the time to expect or ask for wholesale change

It's not reallt the time to be berating OP about her choice of man either is it, these are unprecedented times and the basis of our relationships (not only with partners) is being challenged, and also just be kind!

OP I have managed the rage by asking him to do one just small job only a day and feeling pleased that that gets done. I don't ask him to sort the garden out for example I ask him to just do the strimming or instead of cleaning the lounge just dust the surfaces today, then tomorrow will be hoovering lol. Yes to another woman this probably seems pathetically small, yes the rage is still there, yes he is still a lazy arse, but I feel like this is a reasonable compromise 🤣 good luck OP I do sympathise

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