DH off on full pay whilst I work at home

[EllJ]

I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to go (painting, clearing out cupboards etc. Etc.) when we're both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics- e.g. dishes from last nights dinner sat until lunchtime today and he was frustrated when I mentioned it as he was about to sort... . I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum.

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I just accept that I have to work and he doesn't, and continue to do my normal fair share of housework? The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things.

Not sure I can come out the other side of this as anything resembling a nice person

@EllJ YANBU. And you have my sympathy.

Me and DH are both furloughed, and I have to admit that he doesn't do anything - unless asked. I do most of the 'pink' jobs/wifework anyway - maybe three quarters, (but then I do work 3.5 days a week to his 5.)

And he does the 'blue' jobs. DIY, car maintenance, putting plugs on, building flat pack furniture, painting/decorating, and mowing the lawn. Though I do the rest of the gardening/ planting/ growing of stuff/weeding. But that is coz I enjoy it. ALSO, the 'blue' jobs are not everyday, daily jobs like the 'pink' jobs.

But yeah, he doesn't do anything 'houseworky' in the house really... unless asked. With him being off work full time, I am not going to cook, clean, hoover, do the washing, do the shopping, clean the bathroom and kitchen, empty the bins, and do all the cooking and life admin, while he sits on his arse, watching TV, and using the playstation.

That said, he does do stuff if I ask, and doesn't complain, but he does need to be asked.

I agree with the posters saying that many men do see housework as the woman's job, and feel it emasculates them doing 'pink' jobs. Slag me off for saying that by all means, but it's true for most men.

I also get so pissed off with women being accused of enabling these men. The victim blaming is sickening. Why are you with this 'manchild' and why did you MARRY this manchild and other gems. Women are conditioned from a young age by society - AND the women in their family (mother/grandmother/aunts etc,) to be the nurturer and the carer, and that a good woman looks after her family, her man, her kids... And the men are conditioned too, to expect women to do all the wifework.

Don't say it's not true because it is! It's expected of women, and the men expect it to, and it IS hard to break the cycle/the way of thinking for both sexes. And blaming a downtrodden woman (for her problems with a man who won't do housework or childcare,) is a shitty thing to do!

Don't blame yourself @EllJ And don't let anyone make you think it's YOUR FAULT! But do keep telling your husband he NEEDS to help more! As I say, men are conditioned to not do wifework. The more we encourage/tell them to do stuff around the house, the more they'll do it! As a pp said, just seething and acting passive aggressive is no good. TELL THEM!

Nothing like a deadly virus to spot the useless.
It makes you wonder how they get through life and manage to hold down a job of any type.
I'm glad he's yours

I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc.

Yes that is a fair compromise.

it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics

It is not your job to get him to do the basics. What you need to do is nothing. If he wants to slob around on the sofa he can but you are not going to do any work on top of your hours to make up for his laziness. If he is responible for the washing up (etc) then it gets done when he does it, and if he doesn't do it then it doesn't get done. I see that he is cooking. Then he will have to wash up sometime or there will no clean pots.

But he doesn't have to do the work when you would do it. That way madness lies.

I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things

Er... I probably wouldn't do that either. Sorry. I guess he doesn't see it as a perfect opportunity to do extra boring jobs.

Thing is you are not his boss, any more than he is yours. You might want to rethink how you spend your own time off in future. Either you enjoy DIY and find it rewarding for its own sake, or maybe you need to do other things instead and let the DIY go.

There's nothing attractive to me about laziness

If I had this problem, I would say exactly this to him.

I would flat out tell him your marriage may not survive quarantine if this is who he really is: someone who sits on his ass day in and day out, while you continue to work full time, and then expects you to do more around the house while he has sat in it all day.

Slag me off for saying that by all means, but it's true for most men.

I'll tell DH. He's a shaved-headed martial artist who grew up in a rough town. Built like a brick shithouse. With a nose that's been broken so many times it's sideways. Looks that that rugby player DH of that royal. I'll tell him he's emasculated. What with all the cleaning and childcare he does.

It starts here. Maybe our grandparents didn't know better but we do. Someone needs to teach boys and girls that there aren't pink jobs. Because there aren't.

OP doesn't have kids. This needs to change before she does.

Another woman married to a lazy, entitled manchild.

THIS.
OP, has he never given you an inkling that he is so lazy and selfish? Is this entirely new behaviour? Honestly I don't know how anyone can marry or stay married to someone like that.

Just do your work and nothing else for a few days. He might get the message then...

People are so dramatic on MN!

Just tell him that things need doing around the house (I still recommend a list ) and let him get on with it.

If he doesn't, have a row about it.

Whatever you do, don't seethe and do passive-aggressive things, it's unhealthy. Communicate and see what happens!

So why are you doing it?

Down tools and be just as lazy. Do your own washing/ironing and sort yourself out for food and drinks.

It may mean living in squalor for a bit - but it's not your job to look after him.

Ugh, why do ppl recommend passive-aggressive behaviour?! It's so daft. Please talk to him instead.

I have spoken to him but he thinks I'm being unreasonable.
I despair!

To be fair he is doing the meals which is great

Is it great or is it the minimum?

Mine is driving me crazy, he's furloughed and I'm still working 1 day in the office and 4 at home. He was still in bed at 1.30 pm yesterday and at 12pm today. He's now in the garage doing his hobby. He will be getting it in the neck big time if he doesn't get a grip. His justification for the lie ins is that the cat woke him at 7 to go out 🙄

My partner has moved in with me for the lock down. He works from home. I'm a GP so out at work. He's doing so much for me and even told me to wait and he'd help me with the cleaning later. He came downstairs and helped me put the shopping away, he washes up, empties the dishwasher without being asked, has painted my window cills at the weekend, helped me in the garden...in fact I wish he'd stop.
My late husband was the same. Do not put up with this OP

What is his justification for you being unreasonable?

How does he justify saying you're being unreasonable?

Have you asked him to explain his reasons for thinking you should be working all day and doing all the housework too? If not, ask him calmly. It's the root of the issue, and you need to know how he's justifying his behaviour to himself if you're going to have any hope of changing things.

Or just poke him in the eye.

The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off

What made you think this would change now?

@Eckhart haha poking in the eye is a lost art. I'm going to bring that back. He doesn't think I should be doing it all (or says he doesn't), he just doesn't seem at all arsed about getting things done

If he's the boss at his place of work, he sees you as another employee, not his equal. That viewpoint is going to be a tough nut to crack OP.

Housework fine. Meals fine. But if I had a DP who presented me with a list of 'jobs' like deep cleaning, painting etc that they thought I should be doing, i'd be pissed off.

That's just me though. You do you. He'll do him.

OP,
Be thankful you dont have children.
Make sure your contraception is sorted.

How you'd stomach anyone so lazy touching you is another matter.

He's selfish.
He doesn't care that you're asking for him to help.
He doesn't want to work as a team.
He doesn't care that it upsets you.
He doesn't care that you are under stress in your job and he could help you by doing this.

Do you get it OP????

He doesn't care.

He is showing you EXACTLY who he is.

You'll get pregnant and he'll get lazier.

You'll have the baby and he'll get lazier still.

You have signed up for a really shitty, hard life full of disappointment, dissatisfaction, and annoyance....with a selfish waster.

Good luck with it OP.

You deserve better.

Every woman deserves better...but yet ye still have a bar for relationships set so very low, that ye still marry these men and have children with them.

Wishing you the best

As I say, men are conditioned to not do wifework.

That’s utter crap. “Men” are not some kind of homogeneous group.

My dad is in his 70s and always did housework, cooking as part of a family effort.

My husband does the same, as does my brother, my sister’s partner, BIL is married to a man, just as well they both do cooking and cleaning.

To suggest men don’t think looking after a house is their responsibility does men a great disservice.

I would rather cut my arm off than ever live with this type of tosser.

You're worth more than this.