DH off on full pay whilst I work at home

[EllJ]

I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to go (painting, clearing out cupboards etc. Etc.) when we're both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics- e.g. dishes from last nights dinner sat until lunchtime today and he was frustrated when I mentioned it as he was about to sort... . I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum.

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I just accept that I have to work and he doesn't, and continue to do my normal fair share of housework? The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things.

Not sure I can come out the other side of this as anything resembling a nice person

NEVER have children with this man!!!

You thought it was fair, did you tell him that or did you discuss it with him? What does he do, is he doing nothing or is he doing what he thinks is fair?

He should be doing most of it

@Womenwotlunch and @Eckhart yes I speak to him daily. I ask him to do specific things and he does eventually but moans and does them in a half ass way like when I asked him to peel and chop potatoes for mash for dinner he asked me to find the potatoes for him, then he peeled them, left them on the worktop to go brown not chopped or put in a pan. He’s like a kid. Yesterday I said I needed him to take over with the kids for two days as I had some urgent stuff at work coming up. He said “I’m no good at thinking of stuff for them to do” so I wrote him a list, including links to online resources and guess what, this morning he switched the Disney plus on and left them too it, all day, while he fiddled with his phone. He didn’t even give them lunch!
I’m fuming. We will be having words. I’m ready to blow.

So what is he doing with his time?

"This problem is 1.5 weeks old"
It really isn't. What is1.5 weeks old, @EllJ, is you noticing.

Are you cooking or him? If it's you, give him a brown peeled potato for his dinner and tell him that was how you thought he wanted it. Serve it on a dirty plate and tell him you thought he liked it like that.

Not actually suggesting this. What would he do if you did though? Why are you toeing the line when he isnt? Let it all go to rack and ruin for a week or two. There's never been a better time for it. See if he steps up when he realises nobody will pick up the jobs after him.

Physically give him the tools.

I hoovered one of the rooms the other day, then put the hoover right in front of my DH and said can you finish up the rest of the house pls whilst I do this email, then we can have lunch.
Given him one task and a deadline. He should hopefully do it. Sometimes they forget or lack motivation to do it, so you do have to make it easy.

@Dontjumptoconclusions why, is your partner a teeny weeny little baby who can't figure out where the hoover is?

Are you going to continue placing the hoover in front of him for the rest of your lives or are you hoping he'll actually twig one day and do it spontaneously?

How can you have any respect for a man like this l?

@Eckhart why wouldn't you actually do it? I would.

Or I just wouldn't make dinner at all. Why bother?

Sometimes they forget or lack motivation to do it
so tell him shape up or ship out, that should motivate him and if it doesnt then his highest priority is clearly to take the piss, so he should piss off anyway

does he realise he isnt actually on holiday?

But even on holiday, he should not be doing fuck all.

hes lazy. He needs to be told straight, today!

does he realise he isnt actually on holiday?

But even on holiday, he should not be doing fuck all.

hes lazy. He needs to be told straight, today!

@loveislovely
It's mostly as a physical reminder that it needs to be done. I would rather do that than have an argument about why didn't he remember or didn't feel the need to hoover etc.

what is the alternative? It's either do some of these things myself, or accept that they remain undone

Guerilla warfare is needed, until he gets off his lazy bottom.

Cook for yourself and the children. Not for him.
Leave the dirty dishes.
Do your job, be unavailable 9am to 5pm.
Leave him to deal with the children.

Let him realise how quickly it all falls apart.

It's a bit like doing controlled crying: you'll need to grit your teeth and ignore the chaos for a couple of days - then invite him to reflect on the state of things.

Thing is, if the situation were reversed - you at home on full pay, him still working, he'd assume and expect you to take over 100% of the household work & childcare.

To be fair he is doing the meals which is great
Cooking is by far the easiest, most enjoyable part.

Maybe he thinks he is still at uni or still living with him Mummy?

There is no way in the world I would tolerate a bloke this this, what a complete turn off. Sorry.

I 100% agree with Bluntness in that the normal house stuff yes he should be doing, but I don't think it's up to you to fill the rest of his time with extra jobs just because you resent the fact that you have to work while he is off.

That's another thing - he is the boss in his place of work and absolutely would not tolerate this bullshit from his staff

^ This comment stood out to me as hugely unreasonable because he is not at work and he is not your staff.

Oh and I say that as someone also working long stressful days at home, while my other half is off.

He potters around doing the house work, but I'm not going to get on his back if he watches tv or reads a book for a couple of hours - because I wouldn't accept him scheduling my time full of extra jobs if the situation was reversed

Lockdown can do one

Hmmmm. Surely he is the problem here, not lockdown?? Lockdown is helping you see who you're stuck with.

@Flixsfoilball no it's not up to me at all, and nor am I trying to fill his days with extra jobs. Most of the "jobs" need doing at some point and if they don't get done now then it will likely fall to me to sort at some time in the future on my days off which is one of the reasons I'm so irked.
The comment about his staff was in response to someone who had queried how he managed at work - so perhaps (hopefully) read in context it would make more sense. Clearly I don't see him as my staff!

Thanks for all your responses. I was open to being told I'm being unreasonable and have taken on board both sides of feedback.
I am aware we have different standards and will try to be more mindful of that now. Those telling me I should just let him get on with it and not bother - tbh I think I'd crack before he would. He doesn't seem to 'see' the mess, and certainly doesn't see it as a problem.
Tempted to show him this thread to show it's not just me being unreasonable

alphasox he's not good? He better start figuring it out, considering your first is not a baby any more.

He obviously still lives in the 1950’s and thinks his job is to earn money and your job to do everything around the house and care for the kids

He’s a total cockwomble and needs telling

My husband is on furlough I'm working (until today as I am showing symptoms) and he is doing the homeschool thing with three kids, house work and sorting all their meals out. We have both cooked dinner and then he has done all the clearing up and ran me a bath!

It might be worth approaching him with it in a more structured way. Write a list of all the basic chores that need doing and how you long thing they would take him to do if he actually tried. (Not how long it would take you, because lord knows you'll be far more efficient at doing these jobs than him!)

Separate the list into daily, weekly and less frequent tasks (anything you really need doing in the next few months)

Then try and sit down with him at a table and go through the list with him. Mansplain to him that you are working X hours a week, and that it is unreasonable for you do all these (now meticulously accounted for) tasks, carefully pointing out how much time these jobs take. Ask him to do just maybe one hour a day worth of tasks, which will hopefully look quite appealing after looking at the lengthy list! Then maybe agree that on your days off you will both do an hour's worth of tasks, so that he doesn't feel it's unfair.

Try offering him first choice of tasks, but insist that all the tasks are divided up so that both of you know who will stay on top of what. It also prevents him from choosing the laziest options each day, and generally weaseling his way out of it!