DH off on full pay whilst I work at home

[EllJ]

I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to go (painting, clearing out cupboards etc. Etc.) when we're both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics- e.g. dishes from last nights dinner sat until lunchtime today and he was frustrated when I mentioned it as he was about to sort... . I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum.

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I just accept that I have to work and he doesn't, and continue to do my normal fair share of housework? The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things.

Not sure I can come out the other side of this as anything resembling a nice person

He doesn't think I should be doing it all (or says he doesn't)

Who does he think should be doing it, then?

I think you're BU. You aren't a project manager assigning jobs to him.

I would find it rather irritating. We'll be on lockdown for a while...give him time to get bored.

Have you tried asking 'Could you clear this washing up before lunch, please, otherwise it's going to really get me down.'

You shouldn't have to guilt trip him. But if he doesn't feel accused that he's getting you down, and if you give him clear instructions, it might result in the washing up being done.

I used to live with someone who was more stringent about cleaning than me, and it ended up they did everything, because nothing ever got to my level of needing doing. I did much more when I realised I could help them feel happier, though.

Unless he's happy for you to be miserable. Then eye poking is really your only option

Jesus, my fanny would regrow its hymen faced with such an unattractive mate.

It's the other way round in our house.

We are both wfh but I'm getting virtually no emails and what I am working on can be completed in about an hour.

He's holed up all day and I'm doing all the jobs.

I am glad I'm getting them done.

He's also dong his best not to make a mess.

I'm home furloughed and my DH is still out working.
Normally he does more of the housework, cooking and general house shit than me but right now he's not getting a chance to do anything much because I feel that because I'm home 24/7 now and he is still having to take risks for work, then I'll do it all.
While I think the 'jobs' stuff can wait - he will get bored enough to do them at some point. (I keep telling myself that about cupboard sorting, painting the bathroom :) )
The actual running of a house is something he absolutely should be doing without you having to ask/tell/beg him.
I don't understand why he wouldn't decide to do that himself tbh
You're working, he is not = it's not rocket science really.
He needs to step up and stop being selfish and lazy.

Thank you all. I am reading and taking them all on board. I have spoken to him and will keep trying until we reach some kind a compromise. Lockdown needs to do one!

Of course he thinks you're being unreasonable. Any list he'll disregard, tell you he'll do it in his own time, do it like shit so you wind up doing it anyhow. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Not saying it’s you that taught him to be useless, it was probably his mum eh?

No, more likely it was his dad that taught him to be useless.

Honestly OP, I would divorce him because he's not ever going to change, but then my tolerance for lazy twats is zero these days. Sorry.

We're sort of the other way round.

I usually wfh but the vast majority of my work has ceased. I'm used to having the house to myself. I do the food stuff (planning, shopping, cooking). He does the laundry. Housework is shared.

Dh is now wfh. He is super busy, and he is really noisy, having loud teleconf calls, or fast typing. Secretly I think he is thriving in a crisis situation.

One might look objectively and say that I should be doing the majority of the housework now, and be grateful that there is still at least one income that is stable. But I'm quite disorientated by everything. My peaceful space is no longer quiet. I'm desperately worried about whether my business with survive through this. As someone who wfh I had developed a network of external contacts / events / occasions to prevent me from being isolated - real physical meetings that required me to get out of my space (all of course now not possible).

I've had a busy couple of weeks rescheduling some of the next 3 months work, but now that is tailing off. I'm worried, a bit bored, lonely. And the very last thing I feel like doing is taking over all the housework and laundry.

Maybe some posters would call me a tosser or a useless bastard or a last shit. But it's a strange and weird time for many of us.

I see both sides here.

On one side of course he should be doing the housework and meals etc. The house should not be unkempt. You should not have to do it after work.

On the other side if my husband was giving me a list of jobs each day, like clean the cupboards out or paint I’d tell him to fuck off. That’s the sort of thing I’d do if and when I chose.

So yes, he should pull his Weight and do the House work etc, but you’re unreasonable to be giving him a list of other jobs to do like he’s a teen and you’re his mum.

I’m guessing neither of you finds the other particularly attractive right now.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You're saying he's struggling to do basics but you have also said he IS doing meals, and he did do last nights dishes, just not till this afternoon (would piss me off BTW but it's a bit unfair to claim he isn't doing it if he is, just not when you would like).
There is often the argument on here regarding SAHM's and how much their partner should be expected to do after they finish work. I acknowledge here there is no children so he isn't doing childcare throughout the day, but I'd still be a bit naffed off I was off work and my husband was still working, and he was expecting me to do all meals and housework aswell as finding jobs for me to do.
Pulling his weight is one thing but I think you're expections are a bit high IMO

Sorry but I would not keep asking him to do stuff, perhaps you need to accept that he has different standards to you. I agree with others, please do not have children with him, it will get worse.

At times like this people should be pulling together, he should be supporting you OP. If he respected and loved you he would be doing everything to muck in and make both your lives easier.

I would stop asking him and just get on with doing my own stuff - own laundry, own cooking and clearing up etc. Then I would leave him as soon as I could.

What's the point of him?

Lazy shit

I am seeing so many stories like yours from my friends and on social media, why are so many men being so fucking crap?

YANBU - I'm not working so am homeschooling & looking after kids plus making most meals and keeping up with the housework and doing extra jobs, gardening, but of painting etc.
DW is working but on weekends taking the kids, helping with the jobs.
Sounds like he needs a kick up the arse.

This is a funny aside - my DH usually works in London during the week so never does much around the house. I work part time and do most of the household management. He is now WFH but things are quiet so he had gone mad doing housework and cooking with gusto - today when I took a break from work I found him ironing towels!

Makes me look at him in a whole new, excellent light. I'm loving it - let's see how long it lasts.

I’m feeling so angry with my husband too.
Me: doing my job, home schooling 8 year old, keeping 2 year old entertained, cooking all meals and clearing up, laundry, housework, shopping, arranging grocery deliveries for the grandparents etc etc

OH: playing Fifa on the PlayStation

@alphasox What does he say when you tell him how pissed off you are?

I have spoken to him but he thinks I'm being unreasonable
of course he says that, he will say whatever he thinks will get you to shut up and comply.
This is his MO, 1)he decides how he wants things to be and 2) he says/does whatever will achieve what he wants.
You can do the same, outmaneuver him, get a strategy which defeats his strategy.

@alphasox- this would piss me off.
Have you spoken to your OH?

I think it depends. Normal cleaning and tidying up - yes. Starting on projects maybe not or at least not yet. I think when routines change it takes some people a while to get bored enough to start on the projects. Personally, I am the sort who will embark on stuff like this but if it isn't your personality then you are being a bit unrealistic.

As we're all going on to Easter holidays, I have written a list of daily jobs to be done each morning. DH comes downstairs on days off, switches on the computer and loads his game. DD wanders down and does whatever she does whilst I'm in the kitchen doing my Cinderella impression. BUT the thing I have had to get me head around is that DH goes out to work at 7:15 and doesn't see all those little jobs I do on a work day and he really couldn't care less if the kitchen floor was brushed or there was recycling waiting to go out to the bin etc. He just does not 'see' it.

So, now we have a list (including a flow chart for whether to do a load of laundry or not as he says he doesn't know the 'system' and he doesn't want to confuse things which makes it sound far more complicated than it actually is!)

Why though alphasox? Surely you get up in the morning and 'go' to work in the office/at the kitchen table? If the children come to you, ask for food, to be entertained etc surely you just say 'Mummy is working, go and see Daddy'. You are enabling him by doing everything, don't see how you can moan if you are just doing it all, more fool you.

@Bluntness100 SPOT ON!!!