DH off on full pay whilst I work at home

[EllJ]

I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to go (painting, clearing out cupboards etc. Etc.) when we're both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics- e.g. dishes from last nights dinner sat until lunchtime today and he was frustrated when I mentioned it as he was about to sort... . I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum.

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I just accept that I have to work and he doesn't, and continue to do my normal fair share of housework? The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things.

Not sure I can come out the other side of this as anything resembling a nice person

[Scotland32]

Agree with others who suggest a firework up bum approach. Failing that, get rid. The one thing I cannot abide is laziness.

[Lifeisgenerallyfun]

But you’ve been enabling this for a long time, why do you expect him to change overnight. I’d just leave everything it will get done. Stuff gets done in our house at the point one of us decides to do it. If my DH )who is currently wfh (I’m not working) started dishing out orders I’d tell him to fuck off. I get things done- but in my own time. He knows this and realises he’s not my master.

But If people live their lives generally accepting one person not pulling their weight it’s not going to suddenly change. If you try and force it it’s going to end in tears.

Is he normally work orientated if so he might be equally jealous of you still working.

[Tabsvik79]

Welcome to my world. Mine does nothing but moan about what other people are or aren’t doing while doing f all him self. I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m a mug, I’m going to be the only one who does anything and just get on with it now. FLM

[Tabsvik79]

*FML

[Bobbi73]

My husband is also at home, sadly not on full pay but hey ho.
He's doing all the cooking and much of the cleaning. I made a rota (quite enjoyed that, it's coloured coded and everything) that details what day to do things (eg. Washing bedding), what are the kids jobs and what ours are. He's doing a lot of it in between homeschooling on the days I work. When I'm home, we both pitch in. Your man needs to have a word with himself and maybe have a plan to do his jobs in the morning so he can chill in the afternoon or something. He definitely needs to step up.

[gamerchick]

Definitely think divorce rates are going to spike when this is all over.

[Riolou3]

Go on a silent strike... just don’t do ANY of the housework/dishes and see what happens. And I mean, nothing! Worth a shot!

[Ceit]

Don't do anything. Wait for him to do it.

[Rachand23]

I would show him these replies! Might realise what a lazy sod he is!

[Pipnik]

Just seen this....
www.facebook.com/124416554409945/posts/1388348644683390/

[Rachel709]

Don't lift a finger in the house !!! Let him see how much you do.

[winterchills]

YANBU at all the lazy get 😡

[FaveNumberIs2]

[MarvellousMayhem]

I would sent him a link to the mental load cartoon- you should’ve asked. www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Like somebody else said his standards are different. If he is running the house so to speak then if he wants to wash up much later then that’s up to him. He shouldn’t have to run it your way. This pandemic is taking a real toll on our wellbeing. He’s treating it as a bit of holiday- can you blame him?
How would you feel if roles were reversed? Would it be reasonable for him to ask you to do extras like wash the windows or paint a bedroom or whichever job you were thinking ?
I agree it’s frustrating, I agree it may be a vision Of the future if you have kids. So empowering him at some point is going to be needed but In the middle of this craziness it might not be the right time.

Do you have room for a dishwasher? Are companies allowed to deliver? That could be good project! This is the only way I stay sane ! (Missing point of thread)

[KatharinaRosalie]

Would it be reasonable for him to ask you to do extras like wash the windows or paint a bedroom or whichever job you were thinking ?

But that's the thing, by the sound of it, OP would be doing it anyway and not simply sitting on her arse doing nothing. And while I get that things do not have to be done according to the taste of one partner, it's not really fair if other partner's way is to do fuck all. It's not running the house if you do nothing and claim it's your way.

[lmcneil003]

Speak to him.
Do not accuse, threaten or get eggy.
Make him understand that he needs to up his game. Don't just moan to the internet. Take good actions.

[Danlsb]

Not surprised you are feeling frustrated OP - I too have a similar husband we are both working from home me for 3 days and hospital wards for 1 - I’m a key worker and he is not but he argues that he gets paid more so his job is more important 🙄 I am still expected to work, home school and clean etc. If he does anything he makes such a big deal over it. He just called me away from helping my 5 yr old to ask why the washing has not been put away. I told him where he could put it 😡.
These are difficult times and the space we usually get from each other is so much harder to get so frustrations mount.
So long as I can keep the kids safe and happy and look after my patients then I know I’m doing ok even if the house is a bit of a mess! Good luck everyone x

[Nettie1964]

You will have to retrain himlike a dog. Men can be and are completely useless entitled man babies. I was listening to an audio book the other day whilst painting the utility room. Asked why she had never married "I have pets so a husband is unnecessary my dog growls at me in the morning my parrot swears all afternoon and my cat stays out all night". My partner is amazing. But 1 of the reasons I divorced my husband was his total uselessness domestically

[LoveIsLovely]

Retrain him like a dog?

Jesus. Could you honestly live with or respect someone who you thought about like this?

The only solution once you get to that point is divorce.

[carolebaskinsexhusband]

Christ another lazy shit. Don't have kids with him.

[Quiterightly]

What is he actually doing all day?

[lmcneil003]

You will have to retrain himsmilelike a dog. Men can be and are completely useless entitled man babies

I know this is a common and popular view on MN, but it's a gross generalisation...

[RibenaMonsoon]

I think generally, if you tend to do more at home, then your partner won't see the mess as soon as you do.

DH has a really annoying ability to bring stuff home from work or open amazon parcels and leave it on the kitchen table, where we eat our meals. If I just left it there, it would stay there and accumulate. (I know, I've tried to just leave it and see if he notices) We would have no where to eat. Then eventually DH moans that there is a mess and stuff is everywhere.
If I tidy it and find homes for it all, he complains he can't find anything.

But then I'm sure there's stuff that annoys him about me. He always tends to be the one that takes the bins out, I always leave the kitchen a mess after I've cooked and clean it all up after, where he likes to clean as he goes.

You need to have a sit down and a proper discussion on what needs doing and agree to what he will be responsible for during the day while he is off work. Something you both agree to. No one dictating to anyone and listen to each other.

If you still have no joy, I'd be happy to leave the house falling into rack and ruin just to prove a point but that's just me

[Benedikta]

same here.........

But as I am married now for 25 years I do not expect that I will be able to change that.

My husband is actually willing to contribute BUT I do not know how to describe that-maybe there is something wrong in his genes or so. He does not see that litter has to be brought out even when you can not store any used handkerchief any more in it. You have to tell him that it needs to be taken out. When the dishwasher is ready it does not occur to him that it should be enptied. Usually, when I am not home, he starts to use fresh thing out of it. He needs to be told to empty it. But it is a challenging thing- for both of us. I have a carrot grater consisting out of several parts. He puts each part in a different place, does not know it because he never cooks.

After he had done something he usually requests some parising remarks.

What I want to say: love it or leave it but accept that usually men can not be changed.

Love it or leave him