DH off on full pay whilst I work at home

[EllJ]

I am currently working from home (no shock there), whilst my DH is at home since his place of work is closed. He is off on full pay for the time being and I'm very aware of how lucky we are compared to many people in these circumstances.

However, I'm just about losing the plot with him. I thought a fair compromise would be for him to do the normal housework, meals etc. Whilst also fitting in some of the jobs we never seem to get time to go (painting, clearing out cupboards etc. Etc.) when we're both working. As it turns out it is a struggle to get him to even do the basics- e.g. dishes from last nights dinner sat until lunchtime today and he was frustrated when I mentioned it as he was about to sort... . I'm not expecting the world to be moving here, but I am becoming so very resentful working full days in a stressful job whilst he lazes about on the sofa doing little more than the bare minimum.

Am I being totally unfair here? Should I just accept that I have to work and he doesn't, and continue to do my normal fair share of housework? The house upkeep type stuff is almost always done by me on my days off and I'm so disappointed that he wasting the perfect opportunity to get on top of these things.

Not sure I can come out the other side of this as anything resembling a nice person

Hmm, it's a tricky one, because while I wouldn't want him lazing around all day, I don't think expecting him to work flat out on DIY is great either.

We're the opposite here, DH WFH full-time and I'm WFH a bit but the work's dried up this week . I'm doing housework, supervising the kids and have done some extra jobs, but I'll confess that I think he's "watching" me to see whether I'm pulling my weight, and it's really annoying!

I don't need to get up at 6:30 as there's no school/work commutes so I think it's OK to lie in a bit, drink coffee and read the news/MN.

I wouldn't nag at him, just say that as you're still working FT, he needs to make the meals and wash up, plus suggest some additional jobs like painting. If he's faffing about, give him some clear directions.

I can't get over the fact that he isn't even having to look after any children as you don't have any.

Do not have children with him, you will doing all the usual stuff plus all the children stuff.

He sees this stuff as your job. Hed be helping out by doing it. Wrecks my head. Apparently all this crap is womans work.

Not unreasonable but I kind of understand how he might be feeling. I'm off work too as considered high risk and I'm really struggling to find motivation to do anything. My husband is currently off but back Monday and I really hope this gives me the kick I need.
I do cook but haven't washed up from last night. I'm trying to do washing and ironing but can't get up the energy..It doesn't mean you should be doing everything though. If you leave it will he do it eventually?

My DP is Furloughed and he is doing all the housework and cooking. I haven’t had to ask him because he’s a grownup —and There’s not much else he can apart from Game—

nothing to add apart from "Bangmaid" ....excellent work there @FineWordsForAPorcupine

Why would you wang to stay married to a useless lazy manchild?

@clymene I don't really have a lot of options on that front right now.
This problem is 1.5 weeks old and would be far less of an issue if we were both working / both off. It's the fact in working and he isn't that's amplifying it

I'd be upset by the fact he doesn't give a shit how you feel about it. He should get off his bloody arse and make himself useful.

Does he think these jobs need doing too? My husband likes to be busy and find jobs that ‘need’ to be done.

The vast majority of the time I disagree and don’t see why I should spend my time decorating at room, for example, that I don’t think needs decorating.

Dishes and household chores he should absolutely doing.

He is a lazy fucker.

Both of my DD's partners have been furloughed and they are now responsible for all domestic chores - this wasnt thrust upon them but their suggestions. These are mid 20's men.

Your DH along with so many it seems are just lazy useless arses.

It's not about your standards and about your being a nag (fucking misogynistic term, don't apply it to yourself), it's about the fact you're married to a lazy manchild who, yes, sees you as a bangmaid. This is who he is, Ell, and it won't change. So you either except life with a sexist who thinks women are there to pull him through life or ditch him. If you have kids with him, you will be doing it all. He'll be one of those who does FA, doesn't hear the baby, etc etc.

At least the scales have fallen from your eyes before you've shackled yourself to him by having a kid.

Oh wow! Another man being enabled to be a useless wanker! How would he cope if you died or ran away with the milkman?

Not saying it’s you that taught him to be useless, it was probably his mum eh? You just kept letting him be useless.

Tell him! Tell him what needs to be done. He’s an adult, he shouldn’t need telling how to do it.

@LouLouLou

Does he think these jobs need doing too? My husband likes to be busy and find jobs that ‘need’ to be done.

Good point. DH and I sometimes disagree on what needs to be done. e.g., I like to clean out and reorganise the kitchen cupboards every few months...I don't think it's ever occurred to him that it's a useful job. Same with cleaning the 'fridge once a week! He's much better with other types of jobs.

As I said before, he needs clear directions. Give him a list.

It's the fact in working and he isn't that's amplifying it

No, it's the fact that you're now able to see how you've enabled him to do FA. This was always who he was.

Stop doing anything that benefits him more than you.

Pick out your own laundry to do. If you have more than one bathroom, just use and clean one and leave the other for him. Heck, if you have a spare bed move into that and keep that room nice for you.

Wash your own plate. Leave his.

Actions speak louder than words.

Hmm, it's a tricky one, because while I wouldn't want him lazing around all day, I don't think expecting him to work flat out on DIY is great either.

I agree, but it sounds like he's not even doing half the work he could be.

I'm a teaching (in the US) and this week is spring break, so officially I have no work. I'm still doing some planning & also keeping in touch with teachers and kids anyway. I'm also doing some bits of extra cleaning, and doing all food etc.

But I do have more down-time than DH, who is working quite long hours at home.

I think it's reasonable to expect him to be busy-ish about 2/3 of the time, but also to allow some enjoyment. After all, this isn't how he's been his entire life and someone has to get some joy from the current situation. If he can't manage even that, I would be tempted to isolate in a spare room and just ignore him. Sooner or later he'll see what a pit he's living in.

He needs a list? I wonder if he boss has to mollycoddle him with a little list or if he's expected to be an adult and crack on with the role he was hired for? Let me guess . . .

I understand what people are saying with the Enabling, but like I've said, what is the alternative? It's either do some of these things myself, or accept that they remain undone. And I'm not to blame for his laziness - he is!

Good point ref. Whether the jobs actually need done or not. Some of these tasks are things that will need done at some point in the near future and some are things that make day to day life easier but are not essential.

No kids
No work
No cleaning
No DIY
No studying
No caring responsibilities
No gardening
No painting

What is he doing all day?

That's another thing - he is the boss in his place of work and absolutely would not tolerate this bullshit from his staff.

I'm really trying to be reasonable and tbh, if he got the normal stuff done plus even one tiny extra job as suggested by @Christmastree43 I'd be happy for him to fill his day as he pleased!

The alternative is you don't have to put up with doing that enabling..

Why choose to live with a lazy misogynistic person ... when there are many other men who are not that you could be with or live on your own ?? Honestly there is no reason to be someone's housekeeper in the 21st century ! Unless you want to/it's your actual job....

@TheArchSorcererofContwaraburg

All I'm saying is that if the OP wants certain things done, it's easier to give him a list than get steadily more angry at his laziness! It doesn't do her any good if she seethes quietly or does passive-aggressive things like only wash up her own plate. Communicate with him and see if his behaviour changes.

And yes, ppl are often given v. clear directions at work to ensure they do what they're supposed to, e.g., you're working in A Dept on projects X and Y; your colleague is working on B Dept. on project Z.

Just saw that he's his own boss at work...he might be better at delegating than actually doing. Give him a list, OP.

Dh is sent home from work. I'm wfh. He manages the kids during the day as well as doing day to day household stuff. The kids needs adult guidance so I wouldn't expect him to do DIY work with them but when I click out I take them for a run in the garden while he has a break on his ps4.