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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I'm getting abuse?

305 replies

NewDOOFUSfor20 · 02/04/2020 10:40

I'm an A&E nurse, I have had to leave my DH and ds at home and move into accommodation as I pose a risk to them both. This was not an easy decision, I'm heartbroken as is my family, but it felt like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.
Last night on a "spotted" page I follow on Facebook somebody wrote in to ask if them and their 3 friends that they are "spending isolation together" with could go to the park for a game of football. I asked them if they thought this was a holiday, I took that terminology as "spending Christmas together", and suggested playing their football game in the garden. Oh my god, the abuse I have been given! Apparently this is something I signed up for (bloody well didn't sign up to have to leave my family), I am part of the problem as I'm spreading this around, I'm "thick" because a game of football is a form of exercise and that is allowed under government guidelines, I'm bitter because they can spend time playing with their mates whereas I've walked out in my family.

I honestly don't get this. Spending isolation together makes it sound like they're not taking this seriously, football games are not essential (and are being dispersed by police). It's mainly 20-something men that have been abusive, not that that makes a difference I guess, and they have displayed an enormous lack of ignorance around the whole situation.

Do I deserve the abuse I've been getting? Should I have just stfu (I have barely commented on anything on Facebook because our trust are monitoring our social media). I just got annoyed that people are STILL disregarding the guidelines set out, if they continue to act like this then we will be facing similar measures to Spain and Italy where any outdoor exercise is forbidden.

OP posts:
Aloe6 · 02/04/2020 11:56

That link you’ve posted is talking about groups of people from different households playing football. It’s absolutely fine for the three housemates to go and play football.

AltogetherNo · 02/04/2020 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

h3av3n · 02/04/2020 11:59

If they live together then surely they can exercise together...? I don't understand why it's an issue that they said 'spending isolation together'... it's literally accurate. YABU

Gingerkittykat · 02/04/2020 12:01

What is wrong with friends moving in together to support each other during this time? It doesn't mean it is a holiday for them.

My friend moved her non elderly mum in for this 3 weeks period, would you also frown on that?

slartibarti · 02/04/2020 12:01

You're upset about your situation and got annoyed at people who were having an easier time of it.
As you've found out, it hasn't made you feel any better. Best avoid social media and read a book.

h3av3n · 02/04/2020 12:02

So now people are getting funny about the WORDS people use to talk about isolation... this has gone completely insane. Also even if someone views it as a holiday... oh well? You're angry that you dont believe they're suffering as much as they should be because they referenced that they're spending the isolation period with others? Most people here are spending it with their families, is the issue that they're not family members? This is baffling

Thymelord · 02/04/2020 12:03

I wonder if all you piling on the OP will be the same ones stood mindlessly clapping at 8pm tonight.

YANBU OP.

Pollyputthepizzaon · 02/04/2020 12:06

Why did you say they think it’s a holiday? I know a few people spending isolation together that don’t normally live together.

Two friends are single mums and they’ve moved in together to keep sane. Same with some single friends I have who have joined forces and moved in just to be company for each other.

It’s very inflammatory of you to say “spending isolation together” suggests they think it’s Christmas.

1forsorrow · 02/04/2020 12:07

So what harm did you think they were doing? They have chosen to spend isolation together, you have chosen to spend it alone, neither is right or wrong and they are as entitled to make a choice as you are.

They are allowed to take exercise together because they live together.

Do you think them sitting in misery is going to help the situation? The comment about the holiday comes across as judgemental so it put people's backs up. They shouldn't be abusive but you didn't need to be judgemental so sounds about equal to me.

izzywizzygood · 02/04/2020 12:07

YANBU ... I'm sure if they go to the park that there will be passersby who will tell them off for playing football anyhow, whether it's allowed or not according to the law of mumsnet. It's been in the media that police are stopping football games so people will have seen that and frown on anyone doing it, same household or not.

The abuse you got online was terrible, and I hope mumsnet users don't go down the same line.

Worriedmom2020 · 02/04/2020 12:08

I think yabu.

We have been to the park twice. We have no garden, and four kids. So we go at dusk when everyone else is eating their tea and they run around. If we hadn't gone those two times the children would be climbing the walls

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2020 12:11

I think op there is a nicer way to answer someone who asks if they can go to play football than “do you think this is a holiday”.

I suspect the abuse you’re getting is not because you politely tried to explain no, but because you were rude to them in response.

I very much doubt they think it’s a holiday and seem to be being careful and clarifying if their plan was permitted.

My experience of online is that if you start it, they likely are going to give it back to you by the truck load.

The truth really is don’t start it, or don’t give it, if you don’t want to take it back.

MaggieAndHopey · 02/04/2020 12:14

You told some people off, and they responded aggressively. Just... standard human behaviour, especially on social media. Doesn't make it right, I know, but few people take a telling off well.

bitchonthepitch · 02/04/2020 12:15

No you don't deserve the abuse but you are being ridiculous to comment when you don't know if they are in the same household - if they are then there is nothing wrong with them going to play football together for their daily exercise.

It's best not to get involved with spotted and other online groups, it just ends in tears as people get over involved or over react.

fuckinghellthisshit · 02/04/2020 12:18

Stay off facebook - no good has ever come of it,

yearinyearout · 02/04/2020 12:19

Obviously you do not deserve to be abused online. However, there is no "allowed" list of exercise, and if they are living in the same household and keeping away from others they are not breaking any rules.
Unfortunately members of the public are keen on making up their own rules and trying to make other people abide by them (especially on Facebook) and even the police have been under fire for trying to impose laws that don't exist.

saraclara · 02/04/2020 12:20

asking people if they see this situation as a holiday is going to get backs up.

Absolutely. You were very pointedly being passive aggressive. What sort of response did you expect?

I have a friend living with me at the moment, as he had nowhere to go when returning two months early (on one of the last flights out) from a long career break trip. If any of my neighbours were to imply that us enjoying the sunshine by having drinks in my garden (2m away from each other until he's been here 14 days) is us 'seeing this as a holiday' I'd be less than impressed, and would say so.

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 02/04/2020 12:21

I have barely commented on anything on Facebook because our trust are monitoring our social media

This is even more reason to stay off Facebook.

LightDrizzle · 02/04/2020 12:21

If you hadn’t led with “Do you think this is holiday?” and had instead succinctly summed up the guidelines, even if you did so incorrectly, I suspect you would have had a different response. The former phrase has become a favourite with dim, nosey knobheads and is very passive aggressive because it’s a rhetorical question formed as a less direct means of saying “people are dying and you are treating this like a holiday you murderous idiots”
If I were in my garden having a bbq with DH (we are actually in different countries at the moment) and a passer by politely said we should stay inside, I’d politely correct them. If their opening gambit was “This isn’t a holiday...” it’s possible they might get told to fuck off.

user1498647726 · 02/04/2020 12:21

Thyme Lord SmileWink absolutely. The strain this is put on nhs(and other key workers) who've needed to remove themselves from family is immense. I have to remind that each day before talking with my wife who's done it, and hopefully do so will help her a little.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/04/2020 12:22

do you think this is a holiday”.

I’m treating lock down as a holiday, why shouldn’t I? I s getting all the thi Nd s done I would normally during my annual leave, decorating, gardening, making lovely meals, drinking far too much wine, spending time with my loved ones on the weeks I have off.

I’m also a key worker (SLT delivering essential services) having one week off and one week on.

DCOkeford · 02/04/2020 12:23

This misunderstanding of the law is becoming more and more of an issue.

They actually weren't breaking the law, you could have 20 people enjoying a kick about in the park and still be in line with the law, providing they were from the same household.

You have unilaterally decided that the rules should be more stringent, have made them so in your own head and then are calling people out for not following your rules.

There is nothing in any of the legislation about not treating the lockdown as a holiday, they are allowed to do so (police don't have any authority to make law, or impose any further restrictions of their own)

I agree that nobody should be abused, but you must be able to see that you started this one, and you're in the wrong anyway.

malificent7 · 02/04/2020 12:23

I think as you are naturally upset you have had to move out, you are taking it out on folk qho move in together.
But you should not gave got abuse...you are doing a great job...we apprechiate it!

Marieo · 02/04/2020 12:27

YANBU, even if people disagreed (although they could play in their garden, and if they knew they were right why making a post asking?) then people don't need to give arsehole replies. There is little other phrase I despise as much as 'you knew what you were signing up for', not only am I guessing that although there have been pandemics before, you thought when you started training you would be working one without the right equipment and have to live away from family. People who are fortunate enough to not be having to make the type of decision you have to move out to protect loves ones don't get it. Facebook groups are full of horrible, spiteful, nasty people at the moment anyway.

Sewrainbow · 02/04/2020 12:28

You cant argue with stupid Sad ignore the idiots

You know yabu....