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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why I'm getting abuse?

305 replies

NewDOOFUSfor20 · 02/04/2020 10:40

I'm an A&E nurse, I have had to leave my DH and ds at home and move into accommodation as I pose a risk to them both. This was not an easy decision, I'm heartbroken as is my family, but it felt like I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.
Last night on a "spotted" page I follow on Facebook somebody wrote in to ask if them and their 3 friends that they are "spending isolation together" with could go to the park for a game of football. I asked them if they thought this was a holiday, I took that terminology as "spending Christmas together", and suggested playing their football game in the garden. Oh my god, the abuse I have been given! Apparently this is something I signed up for (bloody well didn't sign up to have to leave my family), I am part of the problem as I'm spreading this around, I'm "thick" because a game of football is a form of exercise and that is allowed under government guidelines, I'm bitter because they can spend time playing with their mates whereas I've walked out in my family.

I honestly don't get this. Spending isolation together makes it sound like they're not taking this seriously, football games are not essential (and are being dispersed by police). It's mainly 20-something men that have been abusive, not that that makes a difference I guess, and they have displayed an enormous lack of ignorance around the whole situation.

Do I deserve the abuse I've been getting? Should I have just stfu (I have barely commented on anything on Facebook because our trust are monitoring our social media). I just got annoyed that people are STILL disregarding the guidelines set out, if they continue to act like this then we will be facing similar measures to Spain and Italy where any outdoor exercise is forbidden.

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/04/2020 11:13

My dh and ds are playing football in an isolated field, it’s a sport they love and they play cross bar challenge, 1-1 etc... they get fresh air and get to burn off some of their energy.

Football as a family is nothing to do with recreational football Confused it’s about gathering crowds, playing with outsiders etc...

YABU, I don’t think you deserve the abuse, however your personal circumstances is nothing to do with them, if they are all in the same household... they they can use which exercise they do.

Deux · 02/04/2020 11:16

You shouldn’t have got abuse but as households can exercise together it was wrong to criticise them.

Exercise is NOT confined to walk, run, cycle. They can play football if they like and it is just their household. They can go skateboarding or rollerblading or whatever they like as long as they maintain social distance from other groups.

“To take exercise either alone or with other members of their household” is what the legislation states.

user1498647726 · 02/04/2020 11:16

Op, I'm on other end of this(my wife is health care and has moved out to protect me and our two year old), so I may be slightly biased, but I think you're a sodding hero 😊working through this is hard enough, but to be away from loved ones to do it, when you(and wife) DIDN'T sign up to have to choose between vocation and risk to family, adds a whole new kick to the gut. Thank you, and don't let idiots get you down.

Original poster
NewDOOFUSfor20 · 02/04/2020 11:16

@goawayquickly apologies, I didn't read it properly.
@Chillicheese123 at what point did I say that they were selfish arseholes?! Not here, not on the FB post, did I ever type those words. I asked if they viewed it as a holiday....spending isolation together/spending Christmas together/spending Thanksgiving together/spending Easter together

OP posts:
SlipSlidin · 02/04/2020 11:16

You haven’t answered the question about if they live together, if they do I don’t see what harm they’re doing.

Things like this make me so glad I’m not on Facebook, it just seems to be a load of malcontents projecting their unwanted opinions into others.

Deux · 02/04/2020 11:17

Your comments to them were provocative.

Original poster
NewDOOFUSfor20 · 02/04/2020 11:18

@SlipSlidin they didn't, no, they chose to spend isolation together when the very loose and fluffy lockdown measures were imposed.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 02/04/2020 11:19

Playing with a ball in a park or a field is okay as long as those playing live together. The examples of exercise are just that, examples. It doesn’t have to be a walk or a cycle. Just some form of exercise along with members of your household.

You working in A and E is completely separate. I feel for you and thank you for all that you do but you’re wrong about the football thing.

BakedCam · 02/04/2020 11:19
  1. Nobody deserves to be abused.
  1. Football games have a habit of drawing in crowds.

Some people can only read surface information. So asking if it's acceptable to have a game of football when people are struggling at this time is going to bring an acceptable level of criticism. A family near me have had a kick about with their dad. Keeping acceptable distance from others. Nobody here has a problem with it. No doubt they have had shit from some, but I've quite enjoyed watching a young family enjoy time together. Not harming any person.

SlipSlidin · 02/04/2020 11:20

Well they effectively live together now so they can exercise together can’t they?

NewYearNewJob123 · 02/04/2020 11:20

You were wrong in telling them they couldn't as they can, and you were being provocative with your comments. I don't know why you're telling randoms on FB what your personal circumstances are either.

Santaclauswhosthat · 02/04/2020 11:21

OP I completely get why you're seeing everything through the filter of your very stressful not to mention heartbreaking circumstances right now. It must be mind boggling to not be able to see your son and husband and then to hear other people asking about football.

However if you look at the legislation they aren't doing anything wrong by exercising with other members of the same household.

That doesn't excuse anyone being abusive to you and of course they shouldn't be.

I would honestly stay away from Facebook right now. The arseholes are out in force due to suddenly having masses of free time on their hands and being deprived of the normal day to day interaction that keeps us all emotionally regulated.

Anyone who knows your situation will be able to see that the sacrifice you're making in terms of your family life completely dwarfs any misunderstanding on your part as to poorly worded unclear inconsistent and contrary advice and information about what is and isn't allowed and I bet your family and friends are super proud of you. They matter a lot more than dickheads ranting on social media.

foamrolling · 02/04/2020 11:23

They may be choosing to live together for all kinds of reasons though. My sister is in the same position as you and she's about to move in with another nurse so she doesn't have to be alone.

As someone else stated, people may be struggling with their mental health and are moving in together to ensure they don't spiral into being really unwell.

Imagine falling into one of those categories and being accused of treating the situation 'like a holiday'?

BobTheDuvet · 02/04/2020 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oldwhyno · 02/04/2020 11:23

of course you deserve it. you posted judgement on facebook, what do you expect?!

Mrsemcgregor · 02/04/2020 11:23

I don’t see there is anything wrong with treating isolation as a holiday? If that’s what people want to do. It’s surely better than sitting alone and scared?

Are people supposed to keep up a solemn demeanour at all times or something?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/04/2020 11:24

they chose to spend isolation together when the very loose and fluffy lockdown measures were imposed.*

Even when the lockdown was not fluffy and loose, they are legally allowed to be living together during the lockdown and is within guidelines, they are living as they are a family now, some people/parents are unable to cope alone or be socially isolated from their support networks.

YABU

ittakes2 · 02/04/2020 11:25

My heart bleeds for people like you - on the front line risking your life because no doubt your conscience is telling you to step up and you also need to earn to provide for your family. While others like me get to sit at home with our children. You are so not being unreasonable. Thank you for everything you are doing. I know there are some truly dumb arse people out there but for everyone one of those there are many more people like me doing our best to avoid the virus and hoping people like you know how grateful we are for your sacrifices. Please keep safe.

Aussiegirl123456 · 02/04/2020 11:27

So they live together, therefore they can exercise (play football) together.
You didn't deserve abuse but they didn't deserve to be judged by you when they're not actually doing anything they shouldn't be.

Also, I'm not in the UK but I can only imagine what you're going through and how exhausted you must be. As well as missing your family. In all honesty, I'd stay off social media, it's not good at the best of times and things like covid or brexit or anything else as such will bring every arsey know-it-all out the woodwork. Steer clear my friend and stay safe.

Falacy · 02/04/2020 11:38

I asked if they viewed it as a holiday....spending isolation together/spending Christmas together/spending Thanksgiving together/spending Easter together

I'm starting to think that for some people this isn't even about what will spread the virus / reduce the risk of the virus. There is absolutely no logic ever applied. And "rules" and "laws" getting pulled out of thin air.

For some people I think they just need to know that everyone is as miserable as they are.

No logic, just "oh that doesn't sound very miserable to me"

People need to mind their own business.

cryinglightning · 02/04/2020 11:46

YANBU. They asked, you answered. They shouldn't ask if they don't want to be told the response. Why they are even spending quarantine together as friends is beyond me. Thank you for all you are doing for us Flowers

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/04/2020 11:51

I know you meant well but asking people if they see this situation as a holiday is going to get backs up. And no, there isn't a proscribed list of sports or activities one may or may not do; as far as I'm aware the legislation just states "exercise". If you're remaining with your household (and absolutely no-one else) then a game of football is not contrary to the law.

I take off my hat to you, especially for having made the decision to move away from your family, and you absolutely didn't deserve abuse but you quite possibly gave incorrect information and/or gave information in a way that was like throwing a match into a firework factory. Everyone is stressed and worried; adding fuel to that fire was never going to have a positive outcome.

If someone asked again, I'd point them in the direction of 101's advice section.

Soontobe60 · 02/04/2020 11:52

OP, I'd have done the same as you. I would just turn off notifications for the site now though, as it's upsetting you. They are utter nobs, as is everyone else who thinks it's fine to go to the park for a kick about at the moment.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 02/04/2020 11:54

Why they are even spending quarantine together as friends is beyond me

Why shouldn't they? Maybe they don't have family here but can't travel home? Maybe their families are miles away and/or they don't want to risk coming into contact with family members who are shielding? Maybe their houseshare IS their home? Or maybe they just want to get through this lockdown with friends.

Or are you aware of some legislation that lists those with whom you may or may not isolate?

Wrinklesareenhancing · 02/04/2020 11:55

You have my sympathy OP my sister is a community nurse and is working still. She has had to move into the garage to isolate herself from her family as they have vulnerabilities.

She's living in an old garage in the garden so she can still help people and fuckwits are giving abuse.

Let's hope that they don't take a bed from someone that did their best.

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