To want to withdraw as a volunteer?

[ladylovesmilktray]

I am working full time but have contacted my local council who delivered leaflets asking for people who may help the vulnerable and elderly. For the last two weeks I have been helping with the shopping for an elderly lady distant from her family but it is getting too much. I am going three times a week to the shops for her but each time she gives me a list of multiple shops - today was boots, home bargains and aldi - all with individual long queues for really specific items that just aren't available. When I get the next best thing, say strawberry yogurt because cherry is sold out for example, when i take them back she refuses to pay as it wasn't what she wanted. This has happened lots of times now! I just end up having these items. Like flash spray not Dettol spray because she hates bleach when on the list it just said cleaning spray! This is becoming a nightmare with my job and my own jobs and health but I don't want to leave her in the lurch. The original councillor is no help!

I wouldn't help somene so ungrateful tbh, so no I dn't think YABU at all. Less to do with age though really, more to do with this person being a selfish moaning person I would think.

She is putting you at risk!! 3 times a week and different shops?? Fuck That!! I am shopping once a week/10 days tops and just staying in otherwise and we are not elderly or high risk or anything!

I think contact the organisers and ask to be swapped to someone else. Give them the heads up that this woman is a total pita and will need someone who is firm. Or else get them to contact her and tell her its once a week on x day at x shop and THAT’S IT!!

My nan is 92 and can't seem to understand that it is one shop trip per week and we may not be able to get items. She is still going out and she is ringing my parents all the time saying go here, there and everywhere and they have to repeatedly tell her they aren't allowed. It is very draining, especially when trying to do your own shopping aswell.
To be honest I think you have been an absolute Saint putting up with it and the fact you work park time. It was lovely of you to volunteer. Maybe step back now

^Be clear it’s one supermarket, once a week and cash upfront.
That’s how everyone else is doing it, she’s a chancer that’s taking the piss.^

^ exactly this! You're doing her a huge favour, you shouldn't be out of pocket or putting yourself at increased risked for her (or anyone else).

@BIWI - But why would OP offer to help the elderly if she was ageist? I'm surprised I have to point that out.
You truly believe she is genuinely ageist? That she hates ALL elderly people (along with being kind and considerate)?! Or are you just over reacting, ignoring the good she had done, over a slightly clumsily-worded title?

You're shopping for one ungrateful and selfish old woman but your thread title refers to 'the elderly' as a generic section of the population.

Another day, another ageist thread on MN.

Good for you @ladylovesmilktray
She sounds like a cantankerous boot, but presumably has been like this her whole life. Ungrateful moo!

She's got you going in multiple shops several times a week? Just say no! If you want to help just say I go to X shop on X day and can get you what you put on your list, but if it isn't there I won't get it. It's not saying you won't help at all but it's stupid going out so many times. We usually do lots of little shops throughout the week and will nip the shop whenever we fancy something, now we are only going every 7-10 days, we'll use things in the cupboard rather than going out for the specific food/item we want.

If you really can't manage it just withdraw the offer, let someone else run around for her.

If I was OP I would tell the charity group you are not feeling well and want to stay home to self isolate. They can send someone else who is a bit more blunt and can start on a different footing.

^this. Let someone else do her shopping for a couple of weeks.

Some older people are not aware what situation is like in the shops and the availability of items is so reduced.Also they used to visit all the shops so are hell bent on particular brands.

Old people don’t like changing their habits and no amount of explaining/persuading is going to change their mind to even try something different because their original item of choice is unavailable.

The question dropped to my elderly neighbour was “I’m going to Asda, do you need anything” not “I’m going to Asda, Tesco, Morrisons,Lidl and will pop in to Co-op on the way back”.
Strawberry creamy Activia is not going to cut it if she wants Oykos and Chiquita bananas can’t be substituted for the other bananas.

I despair.

This is why people need to think long and hard about what they can realistically commit to long-term before volunteering (just as in normal times). Not everyone in receipt of assistance is easy, pleasant or grateful, whatever age they are. You should only sign up if you genuinely don’t care if you get a thank you in return.

For goodness sake she thinks it’s your duty to help. What a cheek and to refuse to pay you if it isn’t what she had in mind well that’s the game changer. I am elderly and vulnerable and have been offered help from several people. I accept if someone is going for themselves to a certain shop or has been lucky enough to get an online order placed. Otherwise if really desperate I manage or gear myself up and go to the pharmacy although a lovely young girl who has offered to help saw me and said she would have collected the prescription for me. I said why should you risk yourself doing that and she replied “I’m alright” but I thought how would I feel if I had put her at risk. Please don’t abandon all old people for this unpleasant and ungrateful woman.

She is being VU reasonable asking you to go to multiple shops, however if she has not specifically ask for alternatives to the items on her list, you should not expect her pay for something she hasn’t asked for.

For example strawberry yogurt instead of cherry.

You should of had an agreement with her for the start, that if an item she wants is out of stock you don’t get an alternative item or you ask what alternative products she would like instead.

I certainly wouldn’t pay for strawberry yoghurts when I asked for cherry. Especially as you had bought the alternative off your own back without asking.

You might think this being helpful, however to her it’s not and if she is on a tight budget she won’t want to be wasting money on items she clearly doesn’t want.

I feel it’s very cheeky to expect her to pay for items she hasn’t asked for. You need to communicate more with her and come to a mutual agreement regarding which shops you go to and what is bought.

I'd be telling her that you are only going to one shop, once a week, and what she wants as an alternative/just not get an alternative. She's taking the piss. Age doesn't necessarily come into this...you don't turn nice just cause you're old!

Morning all. We've had a fair few reports about this thread and have zapped several posts breaking our Talk Guidelines.

We absolutely understand that emotions are running high right now

• it's a tough time for us all.

That said, we'd like to gently remind you to consider carefully before posting - we don't want to see unfair generalisations on the boards and will continue to delete any posts breaking TGs.

Thanks all.

Peace and love and stay safe.

I would just like to add I am a vulnerable person who is disabled and on a tight budget. This has happened to me several times by ‘well meaning people’ that have bought unsuitable alternatives without asking me and expected me to pay them for it.

Every time I has refused to pay them as it’s not what I asked for.

You sound like a very kind person, OP.

I agree with PPs that you should give her one more chance, having explained

1. one shop a week, to a supermarket
2. generic items only and she pays for substitutes
3. what the shops are actually like

If it still doesn’t work out, please don’t be put off from helping anyone else. I hope most would be a lot more grateful and gracious about it!

I bet when this is over she'll still expect volunteers to do her shopping.
3 times a week is madness, I would do only 1 outting and two shops at most. You are very kind but are getting the piss taken out of you.

It sounds like this lady may be starting with dementia. My mum became like that. Very fixed about what she wanted as she was unable to comprehend the alternative and the ‘be polite switch’ got flipped so she would just come out with stuff. You need to tell this lady you can only shop once a week at one shop (and maybe the pharmacy if you are up for that). Deep down I am sure she appreciates everything you do she just can not grasp the situation. It is incredibly frustrating when you are doing your best though.

@rougebuterfly wow.

You are trying to do the right thing but this is ridiculous, I also help an elderly lady and my parents but they are all flexible and ask for minimum things.
I’d have to have a word with her, explain in no uncertain terms that you are making minimum trips to shops, you will visit 1 shop only for reasons of your own health and you are happy to get replacement items for things out of stock but if that’s not what she wants you won’t replace her specific items. Tell her it’s this or nothing. She is having a laugh, it’s not on. If she still isn’t happy I’d post her a note saying you won’t be going again but here is the number of a farm/local shop who can deliver, that way she won’t starve and you can walk away guilt free.

YANBU

@rougebuterfly why have you put quotes around well meaning people? Do you not think that they are well-meaning?

So bloody ungrateful.