If you are receiving shopping via volunteers please can I request

[MatildaTheCat]

That you stick to essential items and keep them as non specific as possible. DH and I shopped for two vulnerable people this morning under an official scheme. Their requests included 1 litre gin (ok maybe essential), branded tonic, branded cleaning items, organic gala apples, rose and raspberry lemonade, non sweetened organic coconut milk and on and on.

I lost a lot of sleep last night worrying about the additional exposure to the public while searching for half this stuff. In fact we did get pretty much everything but had we been asked for ie large brown loaf, cheddar, packet of bacon, mince, frozen peas it would have been a lot less stressful. This is going to last some months for the most vulnerable, if you or your family are in that category please help by keeping it simple.

Thank you.

what if you have serious allergies?

As a person who who feeds someone with serious allergies I can answer your question.

You say "I have allergies."

YANBU OP. An older woman on our street who is asking others to get her shopping puts out the most ridiculous requests IMO. This week we've had strawberries, raspberries, mangoes and pink and red grapefruits and specifically wholemeal flour (not white!). Does she think people have nothing better to do that trail around trying to find her specific fucking flour when any kind of flour has been unavailable almost everywhere for weeks? I appreciate she's stuck at home and probably wants so nice treats and to 'try out a new recipe' (her words), but fuck me, a little self-awareness would be good.

YABU. If this bothers you don’t volunteer. I had to get essentials the other day. I rang my elderly neighbours and asked if they needed anything. They wanted a couple of newspapers. I was happy to get them and it didn’t change my exposure risk. I wouldn’t go for the shop for them just to get newspapers but as I was going anyway it didn’t hurt to get them and pop them through their door. Next time I need to go I will ring them again and see if they need anything.

This made me laugh, sorry.

DH is currently in a queue of hundreds at Costco. His cousin 69, has been told by get DC she is not to shop. She asked DH (63) to pick up a few things. List specifically said 'not organic' next to most items. Guess she knows DH too well and dreaded a whole shop full of 'healthy' foods!

Sorry YABU. They could have asperger's/autism/allergies and need something really specific that they've checked.

I see where you're coming from. I am doing shopping for some vulnerable people in my village and was asked to go to multiple shops for one couple - I said no, I'm happy to pick up anything they want so long as it's from one shop as I am not increasing my exposure by rushing round multiple shops right now. I also had a discussion with them about what to do if I couldn't get some items and whether they'd be happy to sub for other brands etc, and they were. Made it easier for me :)

YANBU. If someone was doing my shopping for me I'd keep it as simple as possible so as not to put them out too much.

Yanbu. If someone else was doing my shopping I'd keep it to essential basics.

I think you are being reasonable, I was panicking about how I would get food and ordered a box from Morrisons. You only get to choose meat or veggie but I was really grateful to get it. I think there was one item in there that I wouldn't normally use but I will use it with some other bits and it won't go to waste.

Hilarious that on some threads on here you should be happy with bread and gruel and on others your shopping should be so exact.

Yes but if you do have any of the above, surely you would explain that to the kind person doing the shop for you?

My Autistic DS 15 only has two "Safe" foods so I would have to be very specific but certainly explain why.

I am guessing that the OP wouldn't be as stressed if that were the case, knowing that the items were actually "needed" rather than just "fancied".

Are you and your supporters for real.

Do you think money grows on plants in vulnerable people's houses.

If you spend their money on stuff that you deign essential/simple that they then can't eat

(no teeth, false teeth, swallowing problems, chewing problems, jaw problems, allergies, Coeliac disease, other gut disorders/diseases, certain medications can randomly interact dangerously with some foods/drinks, they dislike your approved choices to the point the sight or smell of it makes them puke not to mention you seem to think vegetarians and vegans don't exist)

They are going to be left looking at food they can't eat with no money to get more.

What if an elderly person needs some specific size of incontinence pads? You going to tell them to hold it or stop drinking fluids so as not to inconvenience you because you can only easily see the little ones as you run up the aisle as fast as ye little feet can carry you.

If you want to help, HELP.

If you want to do a bit of virtue signalling while exercising your will over vulnerable people, then don't volunteer.

Vulnerable people don't need your ladyship sitting in judgement over what food they like.

Why not just buy a load of cheap oats and tell em all to eat porridge or starve. That simple enough for you?

I wonder if you exercise personal taste over what you eat or do eat any old shit somebody throws at you.

They are vulnerable adults in a modern western society and used to the same choices you have.

Your dismissive attitude is...well, I can't find the words actually.

Y A B V U

There has to be a balance. I’m shopping for a vulnerable person. It takes a lot longer than doing my own shopping as I don’t know where items are or what the packaging looks like. I’ve made it clear that I’ll try my best but I’m only going to one shop and like everyone at the moment they may have to make do. I definitely don’t stress over it.

I don’t see the problem with the list writer being specific. I would far rather people were specific than I stood for ages trying to guess what they might want. There are dozens of varieties of apples available in all different price ranges and qualities. I’d probably fret about whether they wanted expensive apples or cheap apples if they didn’t specify.

If it said ‘Green and Blacks choc’ then I would also be able to guess from their original choice that if that wasn’t available, perhaps they’d like something like a Montezuma bar rather than a packet of Mars Bars.

If someone had offered to go to the shop for me, I would be grateful, but I would write down exactly what I wanted in the hope that it was in stock. Obvs if it wasn’t in stock in that shop, I would have to accept what they do have.

With the new ‘one trolley, one person’ per household, I’ve been on the phone to DH couple of times saying, ‘they don’t have this, would you like this or this...?’ We can only get shopping once a week and can’t go together, so it is much nicer to make sure I get things that he actually wants if there’s a choice.

OP

As a veteran of being shopped-for by other people for many, many years, I see both sides of this.

I voted YANBU given the particular list you describe.

The way forward is communication. You're doing a good thing and can continue doing a good thing. But there has to be a conversation about expectations.

They need to understand that in current circumstances they're not going to get everything exactly as they'd want, and they need to let you know what sort of substitutions are OK or trust your judgement (including letting you know about dietary restrictions, etc).

It's not OK that you're feeling under pressure to trawl round lots of shops to get a very specific, non-essential product that's about preference not health-need. Sure treats are important (it's true, they are), but right now it will sometimes have to be a different treat.

This is a temporary situation, and they can look forward to getting back to their normal afterwards.

there’s a big difference between posh chic and a twirl. For some reason that has really made me laugh.

YANBU - you are doing a favour - giving up your time and putting yourself out and at risk. It's quite difficult to get certain foods.

That said, if someone wants a particular brand then they should:

1. state that explicitly and
2. accept that there is a risk that that product may not be available and that they will have to do without

RincewindsHat has it spot on.

@LEELULUMPKIN in an ideal world, yes, and in that same world the volunteer would communicate to establish what to do if those items weren't available/if they were unwilling to buy them. The lack of communication is definitely what makes this situation so unreasonable to my mind. Vulnerable adults aren't always able to start conversations or provide the information that someone needs without prompting.

Absolute bollox, if someone gave me a list that picky I'd tell them to do their own bloody shopping.
These are volunteers risking their own health and safety with many other people to shop for not just just one set of picky shoppers.
I'd attempt to get what they wanted obviously but if it took too long or impinged on time I had for others then I'm afraid I would refuse to shop for them again.
It shows they have little respect for other people being catered for or the volunteers.

Thank you for what you’re doing OP. A lot of people would be well and truly stuck if it wasn’t for helpful people like you. I wonder if all the gain-sayers are queuing up to get other people’s shopping? I wouldn’t go from shop to shop to find their specifics if they are not available in the shop you are in. Maybe next time ask them for acceptable alternatives

You're being completely fair OP, and the brand specific customers are taking the piss.
MN is so fucking bizarre at times. Imagine if this post were reversed: 'I have a volunteer doing my shopping. She got a bit funny with me, as I had specified certain brands and the exact types of food I wanted. AIBU?'

That person would be roasted!

I'm doing some shopping for a couple I don't know who recovering from Covid and I don't mind them being picky at all. Perhaps that's because I'm quite picky myself. Actually, I may have started it by asking if they had any types of apples they really liked or hated. It's miserable being stuck inside (and ill) - I do recognise that the OP's couple haven't contracted it though.

Same old shitty posts... honestly OP, you're doing them a service. They live to be able to slap people down.

OP - what I would do is ask them to put an asterisk or something where they want that brand and no other. That's simple enough and should enable you to whip about quickly through the shops knowing that where you can, you're giving them exactly what they've asked for.

for you and other volunteers.

Oh OP you've fucked up here.

Foolishly you have posted a polite request for simplicity (and even saying thank you!) from people for whom you are voluntarily giving up your time and putting yourself at some risk. Of course some MNers are going to jump to say YABU, stop volunteering you virtue signalling highness. ^^

Next time may I suggest this post:

"I offered to get my MIL some shopping as she needed some essential items and she requested, amongst many other things, rose and raspberry lemonade, non sweetened organic coconut milk. AIBU to think she should try and keep it simple to make it quicker and easier?"

Then you would be completely reasonable and possibly a saint, with the bonus of probably hearing your MIL called an entitled cunt

Of course YANBU, and there is a huge difference between a preferred brand of incontinence pads and fucking rose and raspberry lemonade.

If someone was kind enough to protect my health by offering to shop for essentials for me, I would realise the difference between an essential need and a wanky want, and be fucking grateful.

YANBU that does sound very picky (and a bit precious).

My dad (82) is a bit the same way, though not as bad. Got him marmalade last week, now apparently he needs more marmalade and it has to be lime, or lemon and lime. I said 'Dad, as this continues you may have to be a bit less picky. What would Winston Churchill (Dad's great hero) say?' He took it in good part.

We concluded Winston would have said 'Keep calm, carry on, boil up your own marmalade made of carrots and turnips or something'.