AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

Honestly, ignore him and if he bleats on or if she starts on at you, drop the call.

it. Is. That. Simple.

It really is.

@SharonasCorona

Yes, they will - especially MIL. She will use as a chance to interrogate/ and or persuade it's a good idea to get back together with or without ex on call.

@STAYTHEFUCKHOME, @ktp100

I think I will combine those suggestions into one text i.e. that doesn't work for me. Two calls are too much for DS etc.

Need to learn to be more assertive.

Get yourself in a habit of never answering texts/emails quickly. Always leave it at least a few hours. Don't train the expectation that he has your attention and response on demand. If he bothers with multiple texts demanding to know why he's being ignored, leave them too. You have a life, he isn't your partner, he needs to get the hang of that, and taking the heat and speed out of interaction helps.

It's his expectations that need to adjust; not how you respond.

You may find it useful to start a new/additional thread on the Relationships board when you're ready and look for more specific help with how to manage difficult texts/emails, you'll find some brilliant posters there who have been there, got the t shirt, are very good at this kind of thing and their advice is gold. (I see a few of them here. )

If you’re living with your parents could you ask your mum to do the call for you to your MIL, that way you won’t have to listen to her bullshit and you’ve effectively deployed your own ‘flying monkey’, one that’s on your side?

Yes, they will - especially MIL. She will use as a chance to interrogate/ and or persuade it's a good idea to get back together with or without ex on call.

Ah, yes sorry, you did this upthread. So that's why he's so keen to have you call her. It has a double effect for him (i) control because he is 'making' you do something (ii) sending in his flying monkey.

Who the fuck does he think he is, issuing orders to you like this?

I would not enter into a discussion with reasons or excuses about it being "too much" or whatever. That just opens up a dialogue about it, giving him the chance to argue and wear you down.
Just say "No." Don't say sorry, don't explain. If you really want to, you could re-iterate your position, namely that if his mother wishes to speak to ds, she can participate in one of his facetime calls, but you will NOT be phoning separately. Then switch your phone off.

Don’t say sorry. Just say “that doesn’t work for me”. No more.

What would happen if you told him straight that you are on to them? That wanting to see and talk to DS is a cover for wanting to have a go at you. And that unless and until they want to use the time to actually interact with DS there will be no more calls.

The op is making some good starts. I hope you’ve replied ‘I told you that is too much for ds. If you want just your mum on a call you will have to wait for another day to call.’

Wow! He’s horrible! I’m so glad you have left! (And he has answered his own question about why he needs to sacrifice seeing DS because you are staying with your DP’s, the twat.) You are allowed to ignore. You are allowed to set the tone for how you’d like to continue as well. Remember that in the UK normal contact with non-custodial parent (I am not in UK, so don’t know exact term) is EOW and maybe 2 nights per week. I don’t think you need to facilitate more than that with DS if you are also providing videos. (You certainly don’t need to be answering calls all the time. Start letting them go to voicemail. Better still, set up an email address dedicated to Ex. Send all videos, etc via this email address and block his number for all texts and calls. Emails can be used legally to track and prove abusive behaviour.) As for the call with his mum, I think that it is reasonable to assume that two Skype calls are distressing for a two year old. He’d be bored shitless with one. Make it a group call or nothing. Tell ex he is being unreasonable and make this your first stand.

Don’t bother with the “etc.” and that message will be perfect.

Just say no. That's it - 'no'.

Don't apologise, don't explain. He's not in charge. He doesn't own you. He doesn't get to tell you what to do or not to do.

Every time you offer an explanation it gives him something to challenge.

DS struggles with two calls - well he'll get used to it.

Whereas if you say no, all he can say is why - at which point you say that you don't want to and just keep repeating it.

No - why
I don't want to - why - because I don't want to so I'm not doing it.

End of conversation.

Do you even have to say anything? You have sent a text already saying what you were prepared to do. Maybe one more.
“I have already said that I am prepared to allow a group call with MIL and you. This is the only way it will happen.”

If you are living with your parents could one of them do the call(s) with ex and MIL. Not necessarily all of them, but a few to give you a break from the daily manipulation

Stop walking on eggshells to avoid him being a dick. He is a dick so he will be a dick. You won't lose custody. If you are firm then he might get abusive by text. This is marvellous. Lovely lovely documentary evidence.

I would change up the format of the calls to make them useless for his real goal of being a dick to you. Put your headphones on and open a book. Put DS on the call to his dad. When DS wanders off after 30 seconds, say "That's it then. Bye." Hang up the call immediately - ideally when ex is mid-sentence saying how awful you are.

When he can't use the calls to mess with you he won't bother and this will add to your case that he is not good for DS.

I'm sure it's been said already, and you've had some great advice already too but can you start to put a rota in place for the calls? It must drive you to distraction and disturb your evening not knowing when he/or she will want a call.

Try telling him (yes telling), that you'll make sure that dc is available between X and Y times for a video call, outside if these times you'll be turning your ovine off. if your ex, or his mother wants to talk to him then this is the time to call. That way it's up to them. Outside of these times you can switch your phone off and relax, I'd also say that if either if them try's to use their time with ds to be PA or talk to you about anything then you'll stop the call.

I also second your DM being on the call with DS so they can't PA abuse you.

Also stop telling him things he doesn't need to know, don't show him your dc room, you don't need to prove to him where you are.

And lastly, it's highly unlikely that he'll genuinely go for more access, will his job and life accommodate this? What would his reaction be if you turned round and said 'fab, if you have dc more, I can get to the gym, see my friends and start up my career again'. A very high proportion of people use the threat of more access to get what they want but when offered it, don't want it and don't want their ex to have more freedom, better job, better social life etc

OP, having been in an abusive relationship I learned one very important thing. My boundaries were weak Once I realised this I learned to enforce them. If my gut told me no. I said no - firmly. If I didn’t feel comfortable doing something I said no. If I needed to be in control of a situation for my own welfare or that of my kids I took control. It’s the only way I found strength and peace of mind.
This is your and your DS’s life now. Ex abuser is not in control anymore. Take control and tell him what YOU want. Don’t weaken. Ignore his wheedling and attempts at coercion. If you want a joint call with his mother tell him this is how it is going to be and don’t give in. Your rules, his choice to accept or not.
A call a day with him is a lot as it is. If you want that every other day or less, just do that.
You will feel so much better if you set your boundaries and stay strong.

Also, read ‘Why Does he Do That’ a fantastic book about abusive men - it helped me enormously.

She will use as a chance to interrogate/ and or persuade it's a good idea to get back together with or without ex on call

If she does, tell her this call is for her to speak to DS, getting back together is not up for discussion, and if she doesn't want to speak to DS you'll be ending the call.

How are you doing this morning?

Sorry if I have missed this, but if you are staying with your parents can your father do at least some of the calls?

There really is some great advice on this thread. I agree tHt you need to learn to just say no without following it up with a reason. It's a powerful thing when you learn that you can do it.

@Michelleoftheresistance

Thanks, yes I need to stop jumping through hoops on command don't I?

@Howyiz

My dad wouldn't be able to I think, he's pretty angry about the whole thing. Think he would give ex a piece of his mind. Mum might be ok about it. Worth considering but long term not a solution.

I just need to find myself and stand up to him.