AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

She isn't going to be talking to you, I'm married and just don't get on with my in laws if my 2 year old face times my mother in law I just leave them to talk, I don't need to say anything, she has no interest in talking to me, she's wanting to speak with the child not me. Just dial and hold the phone, she isn't going to chat to a 2 year old about it!

It sounds like you're wising up to him which is great. You've probably been conditioned through his abuse never to say no to him or challenge him on anything. Well, now you can. Perfect time to practice enforcing your boundaries - he can't get to you due to lockdown. By the time lockdown is over, hopefully you will have made some steps to push back against him. He can't tell you what to do.

You can just say "no. This is not up for discussion, if your mum wants to video call she can join in on your call" to his recent text. That's a reasonable thing to say, and then you can switch your phone off and not worry about it until later. You could even get yourself another sim and a cheap phone just for him just for calls and texts. Then you can switch it off whenever you want without messing up the rest of your social life.

Great advice and suggestions on this thread.
One more small thing- avoid saying ‘sorry’ in your response to him.
Have your responses prepared in advance,
‘No. That doesn’t work for us’
‘I will do X but Y doesn’t work for us’
‘ That’s fine but it will need to be at X time’
‘Not today, we have other plans’ , and when interrogated ‘ That doesn’t concern you’

I also wouldn’t feel that you have to reply so often.

I would agree to one communication exchange per day, EITHER text or video chat so that you have a record - see recording idea above. If he texts you, then that’s it until the next day. This man does NOT get to control you.

I’d also look into the medium that you are using. Maybe Zoom or Skype have the option of recording a chat. That might be good evidence of their behaviour if you need it at another time.

@OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe

Plucking up courage to turn on the phone and respond with a firm no regarding separate call. As someone suggested, maybe best not to say too much for DS as he will try try and argue he will get used to it etc.

Also sent him a bill that is still in my name a week ago, still no response. Sent him a firmer reminder than I would have done usually thanks to you guys but still nothing.

Have decided that if he is going to play silly beggars, and not pay I will pay it (to avoid bad credit rating in my name ) but cut off contract on my end. Tough.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal

Yes, like that. The problem I have is this terrible pit if anxiety I get in my stomach when I have to do something I find difficult like this I.e something that means essentially standing up to him. It makes me want to avoid the situation entirely which I can't keep doing for the rest of my life.

I think I am ok, but really I am not ok. I am out 5 months and he can still get to me like this. He knows this as well because I stupidly told him that when he asked why I wouldn't reply/answer phone sometimes.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal

I do have separate phones, but haven't changed numbers yet. Will have to do that I think and keep him completely to one phone.

Is it a mobile contract you're paying but for his phone? If so, might be best to pay the early termination fee or whatever it's called. Then he's no hold over you in respect of that one.

"I want DS to have regular contact, but he is starting to emotionally abuse while on the call. DS is too young to understand but I notice he picks up the tone of what ex is saying and looks to me."

Then text your ex and say you will stop any call the instant he does this

Then do so, every time

OP your parents taking control of the calls does not have to be forever, but I think for now you need some space. Let your father give him an earful. Your father may be able to put in boundaries where you are finding it hard.

@VegetableMunge

That is exactly what it is and am going to do that if he doesn't pay this time.

Once you start saying no OP It’s extremely empowering. Don’t let him have power over you anymore. There is a term for dealing with abusive ex’s in particular. It’s called going ‘grey rock’ - you respond in a factual, unemotional way - no engagement or conversation other than the necessary.
Use phrases like ‘I will only (do joint call)’ , ‘I will not (talk with you with son everyday)’.
Be firm and unemotional with him. He is not the boss of you or your son.
You can do it OP. State your boundaries, then shut the door and lock it on that issue.

@LostInTheWoods1

Oh but she will talk after the initial talk to DS. She is very overbearing and will ask all sorts of questions. This happened a few weeks ago.

"It was only arguing every one does it, think of your future happiness, you're making the biggest mistake of your life."

I pointed out that it was not "arguments", it was one-sided and described by a counsellor as "extreme emotional terrorism".

The reposnse I got to that was, "well just think of your DS, you'll ruin his life if you leave. Give it a chance, sure you're not even here now to make it work. Give it a chance for me at least."

Also in same conversation she asked if I was having an affair and that was why I was leaving, because if he didn't hit you I'm sure you can work it out...but if you have another man then just go. Seriously think that she is looking for a reason why her precious DS is not at fault for this marriage breaking up so she can barmouth me to neighbours.

Sometimes I think she is as bad as ex in emotional manipulation stakes. I am really starting to not want anything to so with her but realise poor DS is caught in middle of this and she is his gran.

@Buggedandconfused

Thanks and thank to other people who mentioned this further down thread. I did a lot of reading last night on this.

Feeling a bit more empowered today but nervous!

Apologise for typos, my phone is not the best medium for typing!

Oh but she will talk after the initial talk to DS. She is very overbearing and will ask all sorts of questions. This happened a few weeks ago

You know that you don’t need to answer her or discuss it ? Stop getting drawn into conversations with her. Just say “ ok must dash I have a lot to do. Bye “ and hang up.

You don’t owe her anything. It’s your ex’s job to facilitate her relationship with DS. You are doing her a BIG FAVOUR by Doing these video calls and they need to stop once this lockdown is over.

I haven't replied yet to his last text insisting I call separately.

He has just sent another one

"Think it would be too confusing for DS to have us both on same screen"

DS doesn't look at screen for more than 30 seconds anyway. Also suspect it is because 1. He asked me to last week and sent video to MIL instead, so he is trying to enforce his way and 2. Flying monkey and getting information about my situation.

She will ask all sorts, when is DS coming down, how are your parents coping, are you still working, who is looking after DS now? She knows the answer to all this but will ask anyway (we will reassess after lockdown period, yes obviously I am WFH and lucky to be able to do so, fine thanks, them and me obviously who else).

(Sorry for sarcasm.)

You can just say no
No to facetiming his Mum
Send her an occasional picture

If he's rude or difficult then no facetime for him either

You're in control here

Don’t engage any further than saying ‘this is how I want it to be for the foreseeable future, one FaceTime chat from you and/or your mother daily (or every other day).

OP you are also within your rights to set up phone, put DS In front of it and not appear yourself. If he runs away then tough. Or just put him back every so often.

Don’t be nervous, or feel bad. You are doing nothing wrong. Put yourself and DS first from now on.

She will ask all sorts, when is DS coming down, how are your parents coping, are you still working, who is looking after DS now? She knows the answer to all this but will ask anyway (we will reassess after lockdown period, yes obviously I am WFH and lucky to be able to do so, fine thanks, them and me obviously who else)

You don’t have to answer her. You don’t have to chat with her. Dozens of posters have told you how to avoid this - stay off screen , don’t engage with her etc. And you are just ignoring them.

(Sorry for sarcasm

You don’t have to be sorry , it’s your thread.

He has hijacked your entire life with multiple messages, multiple demands, You send daily photos, Skype every day. This is complete nonsense
You left him, normally he would be seeing his DS once midweek & EOW. maybe the odd call. he would take DS to see his mother in his own time.
You can tell him you are saturated, you have your child to raise & are working from home, You are no longer a couple. You are blocking his phone number, he can skype DS at X time, every 3 days, (for example) if he has anything important to say he can email.
As for his mother, she will have to suck it up, hopefully this will be over soon, either she is on a joint skype with him on the fixed days, or you will skype her once a week.
This is not a cabaret, you are not performing monkeys. you are done with jumping through their hoops.
If he asks why, Grey Rock. do not reply, do not rush to respond,

'Keeping to one Skype a day is right for DS so if you don't want your mum in on our call it will have to be sending her a video instead'.

"No, you'll need to have her on your call. I'm not able to facilitate another one."
No matter what his excuse, you repeat yourself. It's called the Broken Record Technique.
Him: "DS will get confused by two faces" (having never seen two faces at the same time before 🙄)
You: "I'm not able to facilitate another call."
Him: "But you promised"
You: "You'll need to have her on your call. I'm not able to facilitate another one."

Over and over till it gets through that the answer is NO.

I think the enforced lockdown is just the perfect time to set boundaries and gives you time and space to build your resiliance X leave your response as long as you can and use one of the very good short 'no's' - good luck and keep us posted as it's actually very positive to see you growing in strength and confidence x