AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

Op, going on on the conditioning to appease the abuser... you do not need to convince, explain or get your former MIL on to your side, just put the kid in Skype if it suits your kid and stop caring about what she thinks.

@STAYTHEFUCKHOME

Only if prompted. With with me he expects/demands it as a given.

"DS has not been in great form all day today and this evening due to teething and missing a nap (all true, not making this up. He's been hard work today!), so we will hold off on the video call until tomorrow evening at 7, and add your mum to that video call, so that you can both see him/read him a story before bed. Will send you pics and video of earlier today."

That’s good, then reduce it to every 3 days. Keep insisting his dm joins the call and if he starts spouting his nasty passive aggressive shit, end the call. Don’t let him control you anymore, he’s at a physical distance, keep him emotionally distant also.

He's attempting to control you, just as much as he presumably did within the marriage.
You've obviously worked hard to distance yourself, so don't let him wheedle his way back in through technology. Your home should be your sanctuary - lock the door and keep him out APART from when YOU choose to let him in.

Personally I would. If she starts be firm- you are here to see DS if you speak about this again I will end the call and this will be the last FaceTime. Your choice. Then hang up if she does. If she asks again after this you warned her. Firm and calm.

Or, if you feel you really have to send him videos, how about sending him one or two of your dc whingeing/teething? You know, just so he remembers the tougher parts of parenting?

So stop! Grab control, stop feeling obligated to attend to your ex’s petty demands.

Switch off your phone, stick Netflix on and watch some trash!

Don't send him video and pictures. This isn't a beauty parade. And I suspect under normal circumstances when your DS is visiting with his Dad, he isn't phoning and texting you with pics every 5 minutes.

Send him this:
DS is teething and quite grumpy so we will video call you tomorrow. We'll add your mum to that as well. Phone going off now as we're both tired and need an early night.

That's it. No apologies and no additional explanations. You don't need to justify yourself. If he makes passive aggressive comments then just ignore them and direct the conversation back to your DS.

Have just sent text and got a surprisingly ok response.

"Ok. I'm working from home so can call him earlier now too."

I think we are back in the "good cop" cycle now. "Bad cop" to come shortly.

Set up Skype contact 3 or 4 times per week and then block him on your phone or temporarily unblock at the allotted time, up to him to invite his mother to join in.

He is constantly yanking your chain. Offer reasonable contact then block.

All this constant texting and phoning backwards and forwards keeps you emotional trapped.

Offer Mon, Wed, Fri and Sunday at x time for half an hour or so. Every time he starts to be abusive hang up.

I think we are back in the "good cop" cycle now. "Bad cop" to come shortly.

Now is an ideal time to start pulling back. Move the video calls to every other day. Keep them short. Angle the phone so that it can catch your DS if he moves around, but stay out of the frame - make it clear at the start of the call that you won't be participating and that it's up to him to engage with your DS by reading him a story or whatever. That way, he gets absolutely nowhere with PA comments as you aren't 'in' the call.

Ignore texts which are anything other than genuine enquiries to do with your son. Keep your responses short, factual and neutral. Google the grey rock technique.

You must stop caring about his opinions. If something doesn't work for him, tough. Shrug. Make it work. It's not your problem. I'll call you at x time, if it's good or not good for him, never mind, will call tomorrow at the same time. So if he misses the call, his problem.

If something isn't enough for him, oh well.

It's a bit like having to reign in a toddler.

It may well be good cop, but I would also point out that now you've sent a firmer than usual text asserting your boundary and telling him what's happening rather than asking permission, you've had a more meek response. That doesn't mean all the troubles are over, and neither does it make it your fault when he responds badly. But it does show that being more assertive is a win win. More often than you'd think, it gets a more reasonable response from people. If it doesn't, then at least you've drawn your line and don't have to do something you don't want. And unreasonable people often kick off even when it's not justified and you've bent over backwards to be nice - so you can't ever be sure of pacifying them, therefore you may as well do what you actually want to.

Another text just now.

"Phone my mother separately tomorrow please."

You can set the rules. He doesn't have to like them. Be fair but don't dance to his tune.

OP.. you did good... go relax now

Ignore that. And don't do it, obviously.

You caught him by surprise, and now he's thought it over he wants to reassert his control. Just don't respond at all tonight. You do not have to obey orders or constantly reply to them.

Ignore it.
And if he messages again say no. I said what we would be doing. It's that or nothing.

In a more lighthearted note, I've just read the thread title and wonder what on earth your mother has done to stop you face timing her?

@JimDuggansEye

Oh lord, I genuinely didn't even notice that

Can I change? Too late?!

I'll put it down to anxiety

Yep I agree ignore that text.

No need to change the title, we all know what you meant, I didn't even notice.

Do they expect you to talk to them as well on these calls, OP?

“Two calls is too much for DS in one day. If your mother wants to talk, she can join in with your call”

Phone my Mother separately tomorrow please

Time for the Mumsnet classic response...

"Sorry, that doesn't work for me"

He's not the only one who gets to call the shots!

Yes either ignore or put as PP said "sorry, that doesn't work for me" no other explanation and then ignore if he replies.