AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

Can’t she just be happy with a few photos like most grandparents?

I wonder whether you're able to get out of contract with your mobile number and use the number he has for you on a PAYG sim. You could get a cheap secondhand phone for it and then you can use a new number for your new life. It might help separate things and enable you to turn it off without disrupting the rest of your life.

I think you know what you want to do but being in a controlling relationship you don’t want to do what ‘you want to do’?

My Poor Mumma hasn’t seen my self or her grandchildren for weeks now as she has COPD. We communicate via text and calls. That’s all we can do. Don’t be emotionally manipulated. Do what you need to do to cope through these hard times.

I think now is the time to enforce your boundaries.

Wishing you lots of luck

One other thing. Can you blur the background in Facetime? Then he cannot spy on your surroundings and it only tracks your DS?

Not the purpose of your post I know, but if she tries the 'sanctity of marriage' line again, may I suggest you acknowledge her hurt and then remind her that we have a duty to uphold the sanctity of our lives above all else, even marriage vows. There is nothing loving, godly, or compassionate in encouraging someone to remain in an abusive marriage.

If you were to use Zoom, for instance, you can timetable the call to a time if your choosing and pick a neutral background.

Are you living with your parents because he is living in the marital home?

You haven't mentioned how long these call are. I would make sure they are short, for your mental health. I also agree that you prop the phone up while DS plays and are not visible on the call. You can just be in the background. But if he does the passive aggressive stuff you do need to try and stand up to that and hang up the call.

To be honest there is no much conversation a 2 yr old can have online, if you set up this call you will need to be there translating babble for her and keeping the kid entertained so he doesn’t wonder off.

The main problem here is that you have been conditioned to follow commands from ex/MIL to avoid trouble, you need to break out of that cycle so the time MIL starts being nasty you can just politely finish the call, just that, not trying to reason, appease her or even convince her that splitting was for the best, you just say sorry, I better get in with some pending stuff and finish the call.

My MIL didn’t want us back together but she felt she had rights over me when it come to demanding an amount of online contact that was unrealistic for DS’ age. The way the problem was sorted on a particularly nasty call was to remind her I was no longer married to her son, we were not related anymore and I had no obligations towards her, and that if she wanted me to do something for her she’ll better treat me with the courtesy she would treat stranger or forget I was going to do anything for her. It was her son who should be providing her with access, not me.

She backed off a bit but after a couple of years I cut contact altogether (for 2 years) as I couldn’t find a way to keep her happy. Now we get along very well, she knows now I am the mum and that I have the immense power of avoiding communicating with her for years if she over steps the mark, so we respect our boundaries and are ok.

My mother also chastised me for divorcing and by doing that “ruining my life and that of my child”, the moment she started complained about me cutting of the MIL, I just said “careful mum, you are next”
She is certainly minding her mouth better these days.

Can you block him (and his mum) on a temporary basis. Unblock when you need to. Grey rock him when you unblock and only respond to relevancies to ds, ie video 'chat'. Don't tell him though; if he can't get through to you and complains then you just say oh dear and move straight on to "are you ready to tell ds a bedtime story now?" or something.

Otherwise, you could get another sim for your everyday use and only use the current sim when you have to have contact with him. You'd have to let all your contact know your new number but that's a small price to pay for more control over your communications.

Christ OP... you have been conditioned into jumping through hoops for this man and his family.. this needs to STOP today. Video calls every day are way out of line and not anything a Court would even ask you to do... nobody can enforce this rule... it's too much.. Please say NO

Next time she comments about the sanctity of marriage, you could point out that your ex was the one to break his vows i.e. to love and to cherish; not much "cherishing" if he was abusive. I pointed this out to someone I knew who was struggling with breaking marriage vows when divorcing, and it helped her a whole lot. Your ex-MiL may not accept that, but it gives you a perfect response to when she raises the subject.

Just once of course, then do as others have suggested and stop any call when the subject is raised.

give her just the on chance as soon/if she starts say very firmly good bye im not getting in to this

you have now ruined this ever happening again

"Sanctity of marriage" and "what will the neighbours say"

The twin prongs on the pitchfork of abuse enablers.

Try it once. If MIL misbehaves, go no contact. She sounds a nasty piece of work.

@Whoareyoudududu

I have no idea of her opinion. This is all ex saying this. Yesterday "my mother never says anything to you but she really wants you to video call with DS"

Hi @BumbleBeee69

Yes, I have been "putting up and shutting up" for years with both ex and his MIL.

I know people have said, just say no to him and say that it's up to him to facilitate contact with his mother.

My mother has just said, "Darklesparkes if the shoe was on the other foot, would you even think of asking ex to ring me with DS. The answer is NO. He is trying to control you."

Listen to Mum, OP. It's great advice to try to flip the situation. He's trying to guilt you, manipulate you, control you and blame you.

HE is to blame, he knows it and he's trying his hardest to shift it!

The courts would never make you do daily vids etc. He's being over the top. I can see why you'd be worried about custody but the courts wouldn't look kindly on his abuse. Have you started to keep a diary of events? Maybe record issues in the past and from now record every unreasonable request, abuse, pressure etc? Screen shotting his texts?

I really do feel for you, OP.x.

I am tempted to say to him now:

"DS has not been in great form all day today and this evening due to teething and missing a nap (all true, not making this up. He's been hard work today!), so we will hold off on the video call until tomorrow evening at 7, and add your mum to that video call, so that you can both see him/read him a story before bed. Will send you pics and video of earlier today."

Does that sound reasonable?

Feel a bit overwhelmed at the moment and to be honest can't face thought of listening to him this evening and/or listening to MIL.

Know this is avoidance/delaying and he will likely come back and say how do I think it is fair, how is this reasonable, I am depriving his MIL/him of seeing his DS etc.

I can try @Allergictoironing, but suspect she thinks her DS is an angel and anything I say won't matter.

Example:
I have already told her some of his abuse (the telling our DS to shut the f#$% up being one especially bad one, have told story elsewhere on a different thread here. But he was very verbally/emotionally abusive at times).

She was shocked at the time. Then a couple of weeks later was all "what has he ever said that was so bad. Think of the child. Don't listen to what other people are saying to you. Everyone has arguments in marriage, can't you just forgive and move on." Also asked me if he hit me. No. Well then give it another go.

I woudn't send him pictures of today.
"How do you think this is fair?/how is this reasonable? etc"
Shrug. "I've told you the situation. Goodbye."

"Think about the sanctity of marriage"

"No, I will think about my child, not your imaginary fucking friend"

Your reply to him sound good. I would suggest switching your phone off after because he's unlikely to take it well.

Would he send you daily pictures and videos?