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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
ktp100 · 03/04/2020 21:17

Another great success!!

Really impressed with how you're dealing with this horrible situation the last few days, OP.

I bet his head is spinning!

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2020 21:35

You’re amazing! Well done! Keep idiot ex at arm’s length (well, minimum 6 feet!) and he will stop his idiocy eventually.

Mix56 · 03/04/2020 21:41

Yes, steep learning curve.., really well done. Tomorrow block his number
Time Out

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 03/04/2020 21:45

Seriously well done!

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2020 22:26

Rather than thinking ‘oh god he’s thinking how to get at me’ think ‘here I am enjoying z with ds and he’s stewing through how he can make me miserable, pathetic.’

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/04/2020 23:19

Well done op Smile

Wallywobbles · 04/04/2020 07:38

Every interaction with you is "feeding the beast". Don't feed the beast!

VegetableMunge · 04/04/2020 07:47

Have you paid off the contract yet?

Buggedandconfused · 04/04/2020 08:01

You are doing really well!! Fantastic OP!

With my ex, whenever I thought of his antics or horrible things that he had done, I just replaced the thought with ‘I am a good person, I’ve done nothing wrong’ - it worked. Also, having CBT therapy after it ended helped me to visualise my life as a safe place that I had control over. My visualisation was a boat cruiser that I could shut the hatch on and lock and go be cosy and safe inside with my children.

Try not to think too much about his actions, words, motivations are anymore. He can’t touch you anymore if you don’t let him. You are in control now. As another poster said, just think of him as pathetic, and anything he does or had done that hits you in the gut - just think to yourself ‘he’s pathetic, a small, pathetic loser’ - eventually you just won’t care anymore what he does or why!

You are making huge steps OP, in such a small space of time. I’m proud of you!

diddl · 04/04/2020 08:19

It must be really difficult not to get sucked in again when he's being "reasonable".

Well he might be testing the ground with his mum, but he's probably aware of how far he can go & how to twist things to make him the victim.

Mums can be very loyal!

When my first husband was having an affair his mum said "well, love is strange"

Not even "shame things didn't work".

He'd no doubt convinced her that I was a shit wife & he'd had no choiceHmm

Atalune · 04/04/2020 08:53

Try not to think about what his “next move” might be.

You know what yours is, and that’s what’s important.

Cam2020 · 04/04/2020 09:32

Tell them both to fuck off (maybe not in those exact words). Controlling people do not change and it sounds as though ex MIL is also manipulative and selfish.

Fespital · 04/04/2020 09:36

Well done again! You'll become a pro at grey rock and it'll make things so much less stressful in the long run.

Did you cancel the contract?

Quickquestion2020 · 04/04/2020 09:43

Well done!

Jux · 04/04/2020 12:02

Well done, Darkle.

One of the best ways to avoid reacting to some idiot on the phone is to have something else to think about while the idiot's going on. I've found sewing, reading, working out a weekly meal plan all helpful. As the only one you really have to think about during these calls is ds, you can use the time doing something like those things, out of shot and with an eye on ds. Half your attention on ds' part of the call, almost half on your distraction tool and the tiniest little bit on what they're doing.

If you're not paying attention it really takes the sting out of everything.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 04/04/2020 13:15

All quiet on the western front still...

Yes, cancelled contract but had to pay first. He has yet to mention it.

I didn't say to ex last night when next video call would be, as I said next to nothing and he didn't ask either. Call won't be tonight as I am going to reduce calls, as many of you have said every night is just too much.

Do you think I should leave the ball in his court and enjoy silence and wait to see if he texts? If he does then say that doesn't suit, call tomorrow? Or better to text and say next call will be Sun at 7?

Maybe best to say nothing?

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/04/2020 13:22

Set up a planner for the next couple of weeks
every 3 days approx ? just send it. This is the planning for skyping for the next few weeks or until confinement ends.

Cherrysoup · 04/04/2020 13:22

When will his phone stop working?

Bumpinthenight · 04/04/2020 13:26

I would wait for a text. If he says tonight you can say it doesn't work for you and make it tomorrow.

As he is working from home at the moment why can't the calls be earlier? Half 5/6. Then DS might be more inclined to look at the screen.
Then during future calls drop in how this new time is better for DS as he is less tired / more interactive with the screen.
Would help to future proof DS' bedtime.

LightDrizzle · 04/04/2020 13:33

Yes, say nothing!
You have a continuous internal dialogue going on in which your every action is scrutinised as how how it will impact on your ex and through his behaviour, on you. It will take a long time for that voice to fade.
You have done amazingly well, but do screenshot and save this thread. Read it again in a year and you will be amazed at how he managed to occupy so much space in your head so long after he no longer shared a space by your side.
Your urge to text and send pictures is fear driven and it is an act of appeasement. The thing is it's obvious, and he will feed off it. It both confirms his belief that you owe him this kind of attention, and reinforces his intrusive behaviour.
It is no longer your job to manage his or his mother's feelings or state of mind. You have no responsibility towards either of them.
Your only criteria should be, does this benefit my two year old son?
Your ex has regular access to your son in normal circumstances; sending daily photographs is excessive and doesn't benefit your son.
Daily facetime doesn't benefit your son.
Ex DH and his mother interrogating you doesn't benefit your son.
When your son is five, perhaps he will ask to facetime his dad, that's entirely different . None of what is currently going on benefits your son.
It is an exercise of control and punishment undertaken by your ghastly ex and his ghastly mother.
I recognise the fear and dread, nearly twenty years later it occasionally returns when I have to deal with my ex. But that voice is dead. My girls and I are happy and I am married to man who is so very different.

Atalune · 04/04/2020 13:36

Don’t make contact with him

Find something to do with your brain. As hard as that is xx

justilou1 · 04/04/2020 13:37

Well done for canceling phone!!! That may buy you some space for a couple of days! You must be enjoying the peace!

Gamble66 · 04/04/2020 14:00

I would wait for him to contact but then have a schedule ready as suggested so no need for a discussion - just it will be and that you will send pictures once a week and it's up to him to share them with his kother. It may not 'benefit' your son but it is a reasonable thing to do under the lockdown circumstances and it will benefit your son long term knowing you facilitated a reasonable and sustainable level of contact.

MzHz · 04/04/2020 14:21

Print off @LightDrizzle’s post and memorise if you can! Word for word the best advice for this situation

JimDuggansEye · 04/04/2020 14:46

I think you've made a mistake in cancelling and paying off his phone.

I would have called and reported it missing - they would have blocked the SIM so it cant be used (no real difference in real terms to what you've done), but would have blacklisted the handset so he couldnt have put another SIM from any UK network in it. Youd not have had to pay upfront for the cancellation either.

Hindsight and all that, but well done for how well you're doing.