AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

@JimDuggansEye I get your point but that's not true, she knows exactly where it is, by playing games like this, the op is sinking to his level. This way what she's done means she keeps the moral high ground whilst still maintaining her boundaries.

I disagree with most the posters re staying quiet.

You can take control by telling him the days you want the call to be. Tbh if you're happy with every other day or 3 times a week, tell him this (don't ask). Whilst your ds is with you, it's your responsibility to decide when it's appropriate for him to be talking to him.

I'd text and say 'ex, I will make ds available for a video call on xyz days at 7pm'. That way you can prove (if needed) that you've been sensible and adult and keeping up regular contact.

The trouble with waiting for your ex, is that you're waiting on him telling you when he wants to speak to ds. It makes it all about him again rather than you making the decision on your ds account.

Did you ask the phone company to stop his phone or he'll get the use for the next month

I think 3 times a week would be a good call rate. Sunday, Tuesday and Friday.

Send the text with the schedule and then turn your phone off. Then go outside (in your own home) and enjoy the sunshine with your son.

I agree with copy that it's helpful to have recorded evidence that you're supportive of ds having contact and value it: that's going to do you a lot of good with court if ex tries to paint you as alienating/withholding/all the other crap abusive exes tend to try to throw.

It also sets your terms. Ds and I are available this week for facetime calls at x, x and x at ypm. Ds will look forward to seeing you then. (I know the 'I' is potentially risky, but it makes the point that you have a life and it doesn't revolve around contact.)

Yeah with the phone contract, tell the company to send YOU a new SIM card, and ask them to cancel the current SIM card - so he won’t have access to the contact at all, can’t run up bills etc, as he won’t have service.

The sad part is that if ex didn't have to make contact all about his opportunity to harass you, and if it was actually about him wanting to interact with ds and not you, then contact would be no stress or problem for you, it would be something nice in your lives instead of dreaded, and he and ds could facetime daily with the phone propped up somewhere. He's limiting himself in his contact with his child, not that he'll ever be able to see that.

Hi OP. I’ve read the full thread and wanted to join the many well wishers. You are handling things brilliantly and getting some great advice from Mumsnetters. Keep going.

On teething, the only thing that worked for us was Anbesol. It can be tricky to find but the liquid is best and made an instant difference.

Good luck. Stay strong - you can do it.

Having read the thread I am joining the voices saying ‘great stuff’ for standing up to the manipulative pressure and developing your tactics.

But... so that your Dd does get some benefit from these calls (contact with his father and grandmother) could the calls be earlier? Most 2 year olds are a bit tired or frazzled by 7pm, and also more play based. 2 year olds don’t really do sitting down and talking in demand, as you are finding.
But if you call while your Dc is playing with cars or teddies (put the computer next to him on the floor) then they can play with him remotely, ask him about the toys, suggest things... if I was video conferencing a 2 year old I would have a ‘talking’ playing teddy with me or something.

@LightDrizzle

Thank you for your very kind words x

Set boundaries! Set up a WhatsApp with the pair of them and send one photo and one video each day and video call every other day or something like that

Thanks all for your suggestions and support.

Have just checked phone and Ex texted at 7 to say,

"Hi, is DS ready for call?" I also have 2 missed video calls 10 minutes apart, after.

No contact all day until now. We didn't agree a time yesterday he has just assumed.

I am going to reply with:

Ds and I are available this week for calls on Sun, Tues and Thurs at 6.30pm. Ds will look forward to seeing you then, your mother can join then if she likes.

Will send a few photos with message then switch to DND.

Ds and I are available this week for calls on Sun, Tues and Thurs at 6.30pm. Ds will look forward to seeing you then, your mother can join then if she likes.

I would remove the ‘and I’. He doesn’t need to have you available, he wants contact with your ds. I think you’re being amazing, OP.

No photos. Just message saying DS will be available Sun, Tues and Thurs at 6:30. No more. It's up to him to sort his mother out.

I wouldn't bother sending photos, why do you send so many every day?

@UnfinishedSymphon

Honestly? Probably because he has guilt tripped me so much in the past. "You are up there with my son and I'm not seeing him" etc.

Agreed with removing the "and I" I'd also start reducing the amount of pictures you send

Personally I think a few photos of DS's week, sent once a week will look good in court plus is much less onerous than a call every evening and is easy to do with no added contact or discussion.

Just sent text and he has come straight back with a phone call which I didn't answer and has just texted saying "why only 3 nights Darkle?"

I know this sounds maybe silly to some of you, but actually feel a bit sick with anxiety right now. Again probably because I am imagining he is raging.

Maybe just sent pictures on the days you've arranged to FaceTime. You then get 'ex free' days and he gets pictures of what your son has done that day to be able to chat to him about on FaceTime.

I initially thought, send pics on days he's not FaceTiming, but he gets too much of your headspace already.

He cant expect you to give him every evening. You have other things you need to do. Other people to spend time with. You've set the bar high so you'll have resistance to taking some of that back but you need to be firm that you dont live to serve him. It must be exhausting having to get a 2yr old read to video chat at a set time every single night.

Plus. It's not YOUR fault he's not seeing his son. It's his. Remember that. HE made you leave. HE isn't isolating. If his family was so important to him then HE would have put the effort in.

If he is raging it is because he is losing control, not because you're doing anything wrong. Grey rock all the way, I dont think that message from him even requires a response, but if you do feel the need to reply, just reiterate, 'these are the days ds is available, he is not available on any other days'.

Your ex sounds like a complete tosser tbh, I cant imagine why you're divorcing him! Courage and strength though, and hang on to the mantra, 'what's best for ds' I guarantee that what's best for ds isn't living like hes in the Truman show just so your ex can feel like hes still in control.

I would just ignore him and distract yourself with something else for this evening.
Block him till Tuesday now. You're doing so well.

Don't engage! Remember, you don't owe him an explanation. why only 3 days? because YOU are making the rules now. you are doing so well, reading the whole thread shows how strong you are.