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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
Gamble66 · 04/04/2020 20:51

Don't explain just repeat the arrangement x you do not have to justify yourself to the abusive asshat.

Windyatthebeach · 04/04/2020 20:57

Remember a court would not order daily calls. You are also allowed enjoyment of your dc.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 04/04/2020 21:05

Id reply and just reiterate the days he's available. It doesn't sound silly that youre anxious. You're standing up to a bully, that would shake most people.

Eddielzzard · 04/04/2020 21:10

Does he ever actually ask how your DS is doing? What he's been up to? Seems to me it's all about what YOU'RE doing.

Butterymuffin · 04/04/2020 21:14

I'd leave it till tomorrow and say 'that's a good amount for DS and he'll be more able to concentrate on talking to you then. Will send photos in between' (but don't promise that photos will be every day).
It's not that you have to justify this, but it'll look better later on if you show you made an offer of a reasonable level of contact, based on what is best for DS . He's going to object, but he would do that whatever you said. So don't do it based on 'will he be angry about this?' Just accept that he will be. Focus on making arrangements that look reasonable and normal to reasonable and normal people.

lynzpynz · 04/04/2020 21:34

You're doing so well Darkle, been popping on to read and quietly cheering you on!

You are taking back control and he doesn't know how to handle it. You're no longer capitulating to his every demand. You're saying no, and meaning it. It's hard under the current lockdown as he can't have his normal contact - it means unfortunately more interaction via video chat but it has to suit you both not just him, a concept clearly unfamiliar to him. Any way you can use e.g. an ipad for the video call and then record the call on e.g. your phone as evidence of the fact he's using the DS calls as a masquerade to reach you? Good evidence if you can get it.

Deep breaths, keep up the strong front (even if you're wobbling behind the scenes!), be consistent with showing him who you really are - a strong role model for your son who isn't going to be manipulated.

Michelleoftheresistance · 04/04/2020 21:38

You've tried offering more frequently: he's abused it and harassed you, and not actually wanted to interact with ds. That he doesn't want consequences to the way he behaves isn't your problem.

Three days a week is reasonable (and lets face it he doesn't talk to ds when he sees him so cant be missing him that much), your life doesn't revolve around him or providing contact, and no court would expect it to. You're entitled to days that don't involve him, that's why you left him. No, he won't like that. Again how he feels isn't your problem either to help him feel better about or to suck up the experience of him demonstrating it.

If you offer explanation or justification he's got material to argue with you about and try and shift your position, it isn't like he's going to accept that it's a lousy experience for you, he's stressing you out, it's dominating every day with hours of tension before contact and he barely interacts with ds anyway plus makes suicide threats and PA comments to ds.

Phone off, don't respond tonight. I'd go with Buttery's suggested message, and be very wary of implying you're committing to doing anything around sending messages on any particular day or time or frequency as that's an invitation for him to contact you on between days hopping up and down at you about where's his pictures, you're failing on sending pictures, you said you'd send pictures.... Hmm

Michelleoftheresistance · 04/04/2020 21:43

And of course it's making you horribly anxious, you've been very well trained by him that you displeasing him equalled a nasty experience when you were living with him Flowers It takes a long time to break that pattern. What can you do right now to help yourself switch off and relax?

ktp100 · 04/04/2020 21:52

If you can't keep your phone off until tomorrow night or you're going to worry about him having a go at you at 7 tomorrow re; cutting down to 3 vid calls a week with DS then maybe you could text him to say you have taken advice on appropriate levels of video contact and have been advised that 3 times a week is acceptable. The courts really wouldn't make you do more than that!

You're doing wonderfully!!! Plus you're working and parenting, which is stressful enough without his dumb ass to deal with!!

Seriously impressed.x.

HotelBravo · 04/04/2020 22:03

It's a good sign he is pissed off, it means you are successful in freeing yourself from his control. Imagine what lengths you would have to go to to get him happy!?

Atalune · 04/04/2020 22:24

I can hear his little pissy whiny voice from here. Ha ha ha ha, fuck him.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 04/04/2020 22:24

You are doing brilliantly

Remember JADE so he doesn’t catch you in a circular argument- never Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain
(or in MN speak No is a complete sentence Wink )

MzHz · 04/04/2020 22:25

Sweetheart, of course you are going to feel anxious, but tell yourself this

“What can this prick actually do? - NOTHING!”

There won’t be any repercussions because he’s locked down

If he sets foot near your door call the police and they will tell him to go home and leave you alone!

You’ve never been in a stronger position than you are now.

Embrace it, enjoy it, nurture it and get used to it. This is the NEW Darkle!

TorkTorkBam · 04/04/2020 22:51

I wouldn't bother responding. Or if you do then don't directly answer his question, you don't jump to his tune. Ask him a question about what he will do with his time.

"Have you got a bedtime book to read to him yet?"

forrestgreen · 04/04/2020 23:16

Is it odd he uses your name so much via text. Is it a form of control?
If so use his name back to him as many times as he does it to you.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 04/04/2020 23:54

I have just spent evening changing sim and moving all data to an old phone and setting up my new phone minus Ex's details. God it feels liberating!

No he rarely asks what DS is doing, always tries to steer conversation back to me.

He uses my name a lot, really started to notice this myself recently. Guess it's a subtle form of intimidation.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 05/04/2020 00:00

Use his name, a lot. It'll amuse you.
Well done on the phone

Remember it's ds 'contact time' not time with you, re your text to him.

SharonasCorona · 05/04/2020 00:01

Yes, I would be tempted to answer back using his name every time too!

Butterymuffin · 05/04/2020 00:03

It's very teacher-pupil like as a dynamic. Why haven't you opened your book Darkles, is something funny Darkles, stand at the back of the class please Darkles, straighten up and fly right, Darkles..

RandomMess · 05/04/2020 08:03

He's bloody weird.

Mix56 · 05/04/2020 08:24

Do you actually take photos every single say of DS. ?
Not that long ago, photos were taken with a camera, sent for processing & cost alot of money. You didn't wildly snap away. You would get duplicates of the good shots, & send periodically by post !
This is just an example of how providing multiple photos everyday is going to burn up your anxious brain !

You are not obliged to think about him daily, so start today, mute the phone, dont look at it, dont read or reply to him. He will survive 24 hours without bullying you

Soconfusedandlost · 05/04/2020 08:24

The name thing is a trained way to seem assertive. Most assertive/management training says to use their name as a way of holding their attention. Like PP said, it's like a teacher.

I0NA · 05/04/2020 08:29

He uses my name a lot, really started to notice this myself recently. Guess it's a subtle form of intimidation

You are getting good at spotting his tactics.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/04/2020 09:02

The people who use your name a lot are high-pressure salesmen (who've been told to do it and sometimes overdo it to a comical extent).

Think about sitting in a dctor's waiting room, daydreaming or reading. Your name is called out. You instantly jump to attention, mentally. That's what he's doing. Refusing to allow your attention to wander, from him and his words.

TorkTorkBam · 05/04/2020 09:06

It could be fun to use his name all the time back at him.

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