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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 02/04/2020 22:00

So true Mariel If anyone at work starts carrying on like my mum I can shut it down with a wry smile long before real harm is done.

Quickquestion2020 · 02/04/2020 22:09

It sounds like he's deliberately keeping her in he dark to make you look bad just tell her you told her son it was tomorrow and to invite her, sorry if he didn't pass the message on correctly. You need to communicate far less with them both, you're going above and beyond what you owe him in terms of video chat and pictures. I have a little idea, depends on how you do bedtime, but what if you agreed he could do every other nights bedtime story. So you get your son ready for bed, prop iPad up so he can see daddy in bed and he reads him a story then you just turn it off when it's done/son asleep? Rather than you having to a manage a "conversation" between them.

BatInTheAttic · 02/04/2020 22:45

Group message incl ex and MIL sounds like a good plan, saves the missed communications.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2020 01:33

Cancel his contract. One last message to mil- hi mil, call is tomorrow night at 7, ex must not have told you. Please could you remind him I’m not here to pass messages between you? Hope to see you tomorrow night.
I know many people are ignore but I’d lay out my position loud and clear.

RandomMess · 03/04/2020 08:12

Assume he is going to piss you around with money as that is all has left to try and control you. Cancel things in your name concerning him or the house and put your claim in for CMS.

Thanks
ASimpleLampoon · 03/04/2020 08:29

You do not have to stand for controlling behaviour just because of a lockdown. Set your boundaries and if they are not respected, end the calls and tell them that they can Facetime when they are ready to behave as adults. Abusers are trying to use this situation to their advantage, don't let them. Now is a good a time as any to set your boundaries and stick to them.

YouDancin · 03/04/2020 09:23

Hi Darkles you are doing really well.

One thing I thought of... make sure your phone does not send read receipts for any of your message types. It's a way of keeping tabs on you from afar.

If you are set to aeroplane mode on phone then he might not be getting any "received" receipts so knows you are not seeing them but will know when you switch that off as he will get them then if you see what I mean.
It might be better to keep it on silent then he has no feedback for your actions.
Or find out how and disable read and received receipts on texts, emails and WhatsApp. Also make sure Whattsap is set to not show when you are online.

ktp100 · 03/04/2020 11:04

Good thinking @YouDancin - I hate those blue ticks on Whatsapp, they feel like a pressure to reply.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 03/04/2020 12:09

Thanks to those of you who suggested turning ticks off on WhatsApp, didn't know you could do that and it's taken pressure off!

Now for vent, I just steeled myself to check messages and apart from the call and voicemail from MIL I have just one message from Ex:

"Very disappointed to hear that, Darkle. My mother drove up to be here with me to call DS."

What? So his mother rang last night at 7.10 to say "I thought we had a video call tonight with DGS at 7, obviously that is not happening now. Ring me back if you like."

He is saying she was with him when she made that call? To be honest I have replayed her message and it is a bit PA in tone, especially the "obviously".

Also coronavirus, not mixing households...Angry

Ex told me on Sunday that he was now self-isolating WFH alone from now on so that we could work something out about DS coming down after recommended number of days of self-isolation

I am really cross and have screenshot the msg before he realises what he has put in writing.

Honestly this is why I am keeping DS with me in lockdown, I literally cannot trust what he says. His father is a key worker and out every day. My mother is high risk. Households, DS, typhoid Mary. Have been very clear about this and even sent him an email yesterday about this that solicitor approved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklesparkles · 03/04/2020 12:31

@RandomMess

Also the bill is not paid, so will pay bill then cancel contract today.

I've communicated three times with him about paying with no response.

OP posts:
Michelleoftheresistance · 03/04/2020 12:38

Well he's put his foot in it there, hasn't he!

On the other hand, you're getting increasingly wise to him. Very good thing you have a residency order in the system, it will spike the guns of game playing there.

diddl · 03/04/2020 12:38

If she doesn't need to be with him to do a video call then that was her choice & not your fault/concern.

Ditto if he didn't tell her it was cancelled & if he doesn't tell her about tonight's.

diddl · 03/04/2020 12:41

Must be tempting to message MIL that it's a shame he didn't let her know it was cancelled & she had a wasted drive.

It's most likely (definitely?) a lie though to make you feel bad/guilty isn't it?

RandomMess · 03/04/2020 12:46

I wouldn't alert him to the fact he has admitted not self isolating.

It will be interesting to see if MIL is at his when the video call etc. When he next insists he has DS you can calmly explain "but you haven't been self-isolating have you"

Screen shots of MIl being at his house on video calls.

What a Dick.

TorkTorkBam · 03/04/2020 12:54

Well, you can completely ignore that message. It's a trap for you that he has inadvertently locked himself into. What a muppet.

Michelleoftheresistance · 03/04/2020 12:56

Agree, don't hand him drama and emotion to splash about in.

Grey rock. Shame. Oh dear. Well anyway.... it will be clear to people who need to know in court via your text screenshots and records that he lies freely to manipulate and browbeat you, that's the important part. The important part with him is maintaining co parenting for ds with the minimum stress for you, minimum drama and contact between him and you.

TorkTorkBam · 03/04/2020 12:56

It is obvious it is a lie. No need to catch him out. Raise an eyebrow and ignore.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 03/04/2020 12:58

@diddl

Do suspect he's lying, but wouldn't swear to it!

She has form for this and can be very overbearing/nosy/forceful, and could just have invited herself "for moral support".

I would say after the last phone call he probably told her that I hung up on him for no reason and is saying all sorts about me.

He also brought her to first DS handover we did where she proceeded to interrogate me for 5 minutes on what was going on and if it was divorce and what exactly he did that was so bad etc. Why was I leaving, think of DGS, his home is with us etc. (This was after I told her some of the abuse and what he had said, was continuing to say- "but he's just terribly upset Darkle. Just make it up, everyone argues.)

Apparently she is "checking post for him every day in case he receives a letter from the solicitor because she is so worried that I might top myself Darkle. You're not the victim here Darkle, my poor mum is really suffering Darkle. She thinks I'm going to kill myself Darkle."

So he told me on Sunday while on call with DS.

OP posts:
Atalune · 03/04/2020 12:58

He’s counting on you being scared of him and so he is careless with his words and actions.

Let him. Give him enough rope....

strawberry2017 · 03/04/2020 13:00

On tonight's call you should subtly say to MIL I'm sorry you drove all the way to his house for the call, I did message to say DS was asleep.
Watch her face too see how she reacts, I bet she wasn't there and more fool her if she was.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 03/04/2020 13:00

@Michelleoftheresistance

Really glad I have now too, but it is going to be horribly delayed with current situation.

He is also ramping up threats of keeping DS last week or so. Nothing in last few days though.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 03/04/2020 13:04

You must record the calls. Making suicide threats while on a call with DS is very bad indeed.

diddl · 03/04/2020 13:07

"You're not the victim here Darkle, my poor mum is really suffering Darkle. She thinks I'm going to kill myself Darkle."

Oh he really is nasty isn't he?

She would only have got that thought from him wouldn't she (if of course it's true!)

Most adults are perfectly able to survive divorce!

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 03/04/2020 13:08

@TorkTorkBam

I am tempted to do that but I think I read that it might be illegal to do that at the moment on another thread? Or that it's not admissible in court? Really not sure? Anyone know for sure?

(May be hallucinating at this stage Smile)

OP posts:
usersouthcoast · 03/04/2020 13:13

Instead of recording the calls... you could either say
"I'm concerned as you've just made a suicide threat on the call with DS. I'll be calling the police now to do a welfare check for your own good"

Or

"Do you need me to call the police to do a welfare check? I'm concerned for your MH following suicide threats on XYZ"

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