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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
Herpesfreesince03 · 02/04/2020 19:37

.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2020 19:43

Michelleoftheresistance

That second site is particularly interesting.

MzHz · 02/04/2020 19:48

My little monkey was already in bed at 7 by the age of 2, absolutely bring it forward if you must hold a FaceTime call, otherwise just don’t.

MzHz · 02/04/2020 19:50

And I too agree that you’re amazingly strong for someone who’s had such a hard time and a crash course in twat management! Well done!

It will feel a little odd to begin with, but this lockdown gives you the perfect chance to exercise your boundaries safely and without any repercussions

tiredvommachine · 02/04/2020 19:54

I adore the word Mantrum, so apt! Wishing you well OP Flowers

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 19:58

Took off aeroplane mode to text a friend.

Missed call from MIL at 10 past 7. (I have number blocked now but can still see missed call which was auto-rejected).

And I have a voicemail, presumably from her.

Oh lord...here we go. Haven't connected to wifi as God knows what ex is putting on there in terms of online messages.

OP posts:
Atalune · 02/04/2020 20:03

Leave it.

Get another phone.

Let him have his mantrum

Windyatthebeach · 02/04/2020 20:05

She was 10 mins late even if you had been waiting to answer at 7.... Don't give it a thought op... Would advise keeping a record of any abusive messages..

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 20:09

Yes, think it is such a good idea to keep separate phone.

Know loads of you have mentioned this.

Going to change sim to an old phone now and leave somewhere I'm not looking at all the time.

OP posts:
STAYTHEFUCKHOME · 02/04/2020 20:11

If you do that, make sure it’s an iPhone. Otherwise all your iMessages won’t come through. (Which May not be a bad thing!)

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 20:12

Just steeled myself to listen to voicemail.

Was MIL.

Just ringing as I thought we had a video call at 7, obviously this doesn't seem to happening now. You can ring me back if you like.

Obviously ex didn't pass on my message.

OP posts:
SpringFan · 02/04/2020 20:14

Well done. Have you cancelled his phone contact yet. He needs to know you won't out up with his controlling behaviour.
He'll tantrum about it , but hey, so what, he's a twat.
Keep a record of the abuse, it will be useful. And MIL is just doing his dirty work, she is enabling him.

BertNErnie · 02/04/2020 20:15

Ignore and do as planned tomorrow at 7. If you feel like it, you can let her know the call is now today (send tomorrow) and DS is looking forward to seeing her.

You got this!

wineandroses1 · 02/04/2020 20:17

Your ex needs to arrange for his mother to join a call. Not you.

MindatWork · 02/04/2020 20:18

Have read this thread from start to finish - OP you sound incredibly strong and a wonderful mum, your DS is v lucky to have you.

On another note, this thread is the absolute best of Mumsnet. So moving to see so many posters offering real-time support and advice - the world needs more of this at the moment (although not more abusive arsehole exes, obv!). Hats off to you all 💕

All the best to you @Darklesparkles Flowers

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 20:20

@BertNErnie

Yes, will do that, but tomorrow as you say.

Honestly don't know if MIL is being an enabler/flying monkey, or he is genuinely deliberately keeping her in the dark.

Either way, I am guessing that is for him to facilitate.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 02/04/2020 20:24

Remember 7. 10 isn't 7 . Remind yourself you have not done anything wrong anyway..
Stay strong.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 02/04/2020 20:25

What sdtg described is mindfulness/meditation. Check out the honest guys YouTube channel if you're interested in trying, it guides you through it. Maybe look at a couple of their videos for anxiety. They're a really good guide to help you get started. The first time i did one, i felt like it was the first time id taken a deep breath in months. I picture coloured balloons which are my problems and thoughts, which i blow away slowly with each breath out. You will find Whatever works for you. Its really important for me personally as i need to reclaim my headspace and meditation helps me to do that :) all part of strengthening my boundaries.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 20:30

Can only reiterate what @MindatWork has just said, as can't say it any better:

So moving to see so many posters offering real-time support and advice - the world needs more of this at the moment

Hats off to you all 💕

You have all been so supportive and have been giving me such good advice when it is sorely needed. It is really appreciated. I know this will be a long road but you have all started me on it. xx

OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/04/2020 20:32

Text mil.
Xh was informed DS tired, teething
& in bed. You will need to speak to him.
I am taking a step back from all this constant harrassment.

JosieJosie1 · 02/04/2020 20:32

You are doing great Op! Keep using this thread for support Flowers

TorkTorkBam · 02/04/2020 21:17

STBX should have told his mum. She will have phoned him by now. Anyway, she knows she was late. You don't need to do anything.

CallmeAngelina · 02/04/2020 21:17

She's asking the wrong person about this. Let your ex sort it.
Step back.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/04/2020 21:18

This is Mumsnet as I first knew it. There is so much positivity here, especially for helping people negotiate their way out of abusive relationships.

That 'scales falling from eyes' moment is painful. It's so very hard to look at your own life and recognize yourself as a victim of abuse, and to realize that the normality you've been conditioned into is no great resemblance of 'normal' at all. I confronted this in relation to my own father. It really can take years to get to this point; took me decades.

The good news is that once you've seen their tactics, and become aware of how things like gaslighting, triangulation, invalidation etc work, you can never unsee this truth. You'll spot it a mile off in the future and you'll never be taken in by it again. That's liberating. I've had some of these tactics used against me in the workplace, for instance, and have been able to nip them rapidly in the bud. It's illuminating, and will give you a power you never thought possible.

Stay strong. Know that your life WILL be better from here on out.

BumbleBeee69 · 02/04/2020 21:42

you're doing really good OP... finding yourself too Flowers