AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

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@Michelleoftheresistance

Oh, I recognise more than a few...wow.

As one example:

I told him once that I didn't love him anymore when I first left and since then he has flung it back as me as:

Saying I didn't love him is verbal and emotional abuse.

Saying I didn't love him is x10 worse than anything I have ever said to you

Saying I didn't love him is like saying I wanted him to go and kill himself.

@Michelleoftheresistance

And also the "you're still my wife, you'll always be my wife"

When you read around love, you start realising this is classic, classic scripted stuff belonging to people who have problems. And that you've been unconsciously sucked into enabling it. And that like living with an alcoholic, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't change it.

If you're me, you read all this stuff, google 'co dependency' and then you realise it's not healthy to feel it's your problem to fix, or to take responsibility for someone else, you say Fuck That, and start disentangling yourself from the programming. It's liberating. Really. And you end up moving on to so much better relationships in the future.

@mommybear1

Forgot to say thanks for this- carrot sticks did the trick!

Oh yes the teething - i swear by anbesol. Did the trick for my twins, we tried absolutely everything and that's the best thing we found.

Not being flippant but why does the fucker need daily photos of your son, surely he knows what he looks like by now. This is just control, don't keep appeasing him as he must get off on it.

Teething - anbesol liquid. Brilliant!

Still radio silence.

I did say last night that call would be tonight at 7.

DS super grumpy and getting sleepy, so we are doing tea, bath and bed for 7.

I would normally be tempted to text and explain this but maybe better no contact at all?

And if he does ring say:
That doesn't suit us tonight. Video call DS at 7 tomorrow, your mum can join the call if she would like.

Then ignore everything after. He will likely start with do you think this fair, you said you would etc.

Either that or the weird ominous silence.

Ps. He still hasn't paid bill, just checked.

What you should both be keeping in mind, is that what is paramount here, is the best interests of the child.

So, routine, plenty of sleep, being shielded from adult tensions and games.

If you have to step up to ensure that this is what your child receives, while your ex tries to sabotage your efforts to ensure he does so, then that's what you have to do. And document, document, document. For when it goes to court.

I’m with you all the way op but seeing as you’d made the arrangement for 7 tonight then you should communicate if that’s changed.

I agree with @Foghead, you should let him know even though he’s a shite.

Agreed @Foghead.

Just sent this:

DS is very grumpy and overtired so 7 won't work for him tonight. Video call tomorrow night at 7, and your mother can join the call.

Sent pics after.

Aeroplane mode.

Awaiting nuclear fallout in 3, 2, 1...

Either that or nothing like last night...

Yes, if you're changing arrangements let him know. 'DS is struggling with teething tonight so getting him an early night and we'll video call tomorrow at 7 instead'. Don't ask permission or apologise. Then ignore any calls or texts.

That's good. Now ignore whatever comes! You're busy looking after your son who comes first.

You've got to change the words to describe him.

Nuclear fallout is genuinely scary.

He is having a hissy fit, a tantrum, a mantrum, a whingefest, a squawk, howling into the night.

He's very used to you doing the chasing, particularly when he's sending you signals he's displeased.

Drop the rope.

@Darklesparkles - I had cognitive behavioural therapy for depression and anxiety, and something my therapist taught me was really helpful, with dealing with that awful pit-of-the-stomach feeling anxiety can bring.

Firstly, just sit quietly and breathe. Notice how each breath feels - your rib cage moving, your stomach going in and out, the way the air feels as it goes in and out. Try not to think about other things. Thoughts will come in, but you can just acknowledge them, and put them to one side, and refocus on your breathing.

Then try to visualise the anxiety - my therapist suggested seeing it as a huge, black cloud, filling my head, but to me, it felt more like a physical weight in my head - it doesn’t matter what you visualise, as long as you can ‘see’ it changing. I would focus on making the ‘weight’ in my head less and less, until I could lift it completely. If I had seen it as a dark cloud, I could have visualised it getting lighter and lighter from the edges, so it gets lighter and lighter, and smaller and smaller, until it becomes more manageable or goes altogether.

This takes practice, but it doesn’t cost anything or need any special equipment, so maybe it might be worth a go for you.

Sending you a massive {{{hug}}}.

@TorkTorkBam

*You've got to change the words to describe him.

Nuclear fallout is genuinely scary.*

Very good point, I'm not helping myself am I?

My job for me tonight. Looking into the Reality Slap book and the freedom programme I think it was a PP mentioned.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

That's really helpful, thank you x

You are very welcome. You are doing so well - if it isn’t odd coming from a stranger, can I say how proud I am of you!

Yes, I'd stop using "nuclear fallout" and change to "big baby tantrum".

Tbh I would bring the time forward from now on, at 2 years old really you want them to start settling down at 7 and getting ready for bed, you have suggested he read a story which he's not prepared to do so I would move it to a time that suits you better and doesn't interfere with bedtime.

Language is powerful so change it.

Same as SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I’m proud of you too. Your strength is visible Darkle. And your life with your lovely boy is going to be massively enhanced because of these changes. Good luck to you both, my dear.