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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:

I0NA · 02/04/2020 10:48

But there is other contact, you are doing FT calls. And now you say you are sending videos as well as photos.

What does your solicitor advise?

So you are going to go on doing daily FT calls as long as MIL misses it? I think you will find she misses a lot then.

He’s very good at controlling you.

CallmeAngelina · 02/04/2020 10:51

It sounds as though you're still inextricably linked to him in your head.
Try to stop worrying about what he may or may bot be thinking or whether you'll be the bad guy. Of course he thinks you're the bad guy! But who cares? So what?
I think you won last night's call hands down. His cryptic ? text was possibly a prompt for you to obey him and call. Well done for ignoring.
The next step is to send no texts at all re-iterating the plan for tonight. You've covered that already - it will be at 7pm, with his mother in on the call if she/he wishes. Sorted. Personally, I wouldn't send any photos or videos today either. If he queries it, I suppose you could say you didn't take any and maybe in the next day or two. Be deliberately vague. But to have to send him such regular "checking-in" notifications is an intolerable intrusion into your new life. Otherwise you might just as well move back with him.
He is no longer your problem, other than you enabling regular (not necessarily every day) contact with his son. His SON, not you.

I0NA · 02/04/2020 10:51

So he has then Marital home but is paying no CS.

You have 100% care of the child and a job but you spend all your time jumping to the demands of him and his mother.

You send photos, videos and make daily FT calls.

You even pay his bills for him.

Can you see how odd that is ?

ktp100 · 02/04/2020 10:54

You're doing so well, OP. Don't be discouraged by suggestions that you're trying to get his attention - he's spent years manipulating and controlling you and it will take time to be completely free of the behaviours/reactions he's conditioned you to.

I would think about whether or not you need to send photos of DS today. He will see that as you being open to contact. If you message him at all it's best to be curt and unemotional. Something like "The phone bill is due tomorrow. You need it to pay it today. I will be changing the contract from my name/cancelling it entirely in the next few days. If you have any questions re; DS please send them to me via email".

It really would be best for you if you sort that phone, OP.

Ignore the radio silence. He's sulking.

CallmeAngelina · 02/04/2020 10:54

I'd think about lodging a claim with CMS if I were you, as it is quite possible that he will try to punish you for this by with-holding money. The sooner the claim is put in, it would be back-dated to that point. Don't wait for him to get arsey about it.
(first of all check that the amount they would get out of him is similar or more than he is currently paying).

Mix56 · 02/04/2020 10:55

The maintenance is for your child.
Clothes, hot water, electric, food. If is not for you, get it paid by CMS. If not he can dick you around interminably.
If the house is joint owned, it will have to be sold to give you half of equity, if not, he can buy you out. He doesnt simply keep the "HOME" .

Original poster

Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 10:56

@HotelBravo

Thank you, nearly cried after reading your post.

I think it's because one time recently when I did stand up to him, he said I don't even know you anymore Darkle.

As in, why are you no longer being my doormat?

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 02/04/2020 10:57

Stop texting him!

It seems like this morning, you're the one encouraging daily contact, and suggesting his mum joins the call. Probably because you feel guilty at how the call went last night. There's no reason to feel guilty - you simply imposed healthy boundaries and insisted the call be about DS and not you. But because your so conditioned to do what he wants, you feel as if you need to make it up to him today.

Send a (single) photo of DS during the day if you feel you should. And then be available at 7 tonight for a chat. Unless you want to reduce contact.

LannieDuck · 02/04/2020 11:01

Also, pay the bill and cancel the contract. One text to him to say you've cancelled it, and no more engagement on the subject.

And approach the CMS to set up maintenance formally.

ktp100 · 02/04/2020 11:03

He's really done a number on you, hasn't he? Please.........

Do not go to counselling with that man!!
Do not pay his bills.
Or send daily pics
Or apologise for anything

Do be cold
Do record everything (eg his threats re keeping DS and also keeping you in the marital home etc)
DO SERVE HIM DIVORCE PAPERS!!

......with an extra big PLEASE on the end!

The man thinks he still has a chance because you agreed to joint counselling. Let him know he's wrong.

Original poster

Darklesparkles · 02/04/2020 11:04

@i0na

Yes, very true. Suspect MIL would mysteriously not be on tonight's either.

Thinking now of doing an unemotional type text of video call at 7 tomorrow, MIL can join then. He will kick off and say you said you would call tonight. I will maybe just say that doesn't work for us today, DS is very grumpy again with teething.

(True, these back teeth are a nightmare. Not to divert thread but anyone have any quick tips other than calpol at his age? He's an unhappy man today).

OP posts:

MotherofTerriers · 02/04/2020 11:04

Record and keep any evidence you have of him being abusive or threatening to keep your child and not return as agreed, it may be useful in court later

CallmeAngelina · 02/04/2020 11:06

Next time he mentions, "HOME," you could always pipe up (from your background of clattering with pots) "Oh yes, we will need to talk about that in due course - when things settle down with CV, we should see about getting the house valued."

Windyatthebeach · 02/04/2020 11:07

Me exh had a phone contract I paid for. I gave him 2 weeks from when we split to get sorted then I cancelled it..
You need Cms op.
You need to keep receipts for all that you spend on ds - to show you are resident parent and financial provider. Cms is a token amount usually. Won't give him leverige for custody if that's your worry...

copycopypaste · 02/04/2020 11:11

You are doing amazingly well op!

I'd send a joint text to him and his mother 'X &MIL, call with ds will be at 7 tonight. Ex with regards to contract, I've attempted to contact you 3 times via email and text and you've not paid. As a result I've now cancelled the contract'

Then cancel the contract. If he comes back to you and says I've transferred the money or don't cancel, tell him 'as per my text message I've cancelled the contract, you'll need to arrange this yourself going forward' then don't engage any further

Contact cms re child maintenance

Most abusive ex's threaten to keep dc orgo for more access. In reality they don't want that, it's another stick to try and control you with.

What do you think his reaction would be when he says this, if you said 'that's a great idea, I can start to go out with my friends more, and join a gym, always wanted to do this, and if you have ds more it means I can start to advance in my career again' do you think he'd be happy?

zombieapocalypseisnigh · 02/04/2020 11:14

Cancel the contract.

No more joint counselling. He's abusive. no point.

Start a CMS claim.

Joint text on WhatsApp to Ex and MIL about time/day of next call with child.

Refuse to engage about anything else except the house: the minute he calls it HOME and uses it to threaten you re son, tell him you'd like to start the process of getting it assessed for market value because you'll need your share to be looking after your child.

VegetableMunge · 02/04/2020 11:31

Cancel the phone contract today. Otherwise he may run up a bill out of spite.

HotelBravo · 02/04/2020 11:36

If you must text, use business talk:
Please note that contact call is at 1900hrs tonight.

Regards. D.

ButteryPuffin · 02/04/2020 11:36

if you said 'that's a great idea, I can start to go out with my friends more, and join a gym, always wanted to do this, and if you have ds more it means I can start to advance in my career again' do you think he'd be happy

This is ABSOLUTELY how to play it when he mentions having DS more of the time (which he will). Be ready to do this when it comes up.

mommybear1 · 02/04/2020 11:38

Teething tips have you tried Ashton and Parsons powders? Alternatively as mine got older Anbesol liquid rubbed directly on the gums. If you can't get hold of these a carrot stick (or several!) is good helps them chomp down at the back and if you have a fruit feeder pop an ice cube in it helps smooth, cool and they can bite them (pic attached) mine was a type of mesh one. Good luck!

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

mommybear1 · 02/04/2020 11:41

Sorry should also add in the feeder thing you can put in frozen peas/veggies again same effect as the ice cube just not too many as you don't then want to cause a tummy ache.

CorianderLord · 02/04/2020 11:43

I think he was quite polite and his mum wants to see her grandchild. If she starts pleading hang up.

@adreamofgod I'm English and would say 'can you do it today please' to emphasise it's important

CorianderLord · 02/04/2020 11:47

Although your ex sounds like an arse.

I wonder how many men have stopped paying child support now that they can't go to court

SharonasCorona · 02/04/2020 11:50

@CorianderLord

I think he was quite polite

Dear God, really? I see coercive control, not politeness.

forrestgreen · 02/04/2020 11:51

I would cancel the contract. And still pay if I had to.
I would start a cms claim
I would still ft and send photos if I wanted to, try to not be regular though.
I'd also start the divorce off
I'd try to record threats of him taking ds, you could set your phone up to record next to your iPad

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