AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

[Darklesparkles]

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

He has some reason for not wanting his mum on the call, she doesn't even appear to know she was invited to join.

So, Iwould send a text to MIL, advising her she can join the calls. It could hardly be deemed unreasonable to actually offer, would it

And yes to scaling down the contact, it really doesn't need to be everyday. Whatever contact you had before lockdown, if it were less, is enough, there's no reason why lockdown should lead to increased contact.

I understand why it might be tempting to invite MIL just to annoy ex.

But I think OP should continue to do grey rock and have as little contact as possible. He’s a manipulative bastard and will use anything she does against her.

Bravo !!!
Tonight, could you plonk DS on the sofa with Grandad? XH will wind his neck in if DS with a man ! He can say you're in the bath😁
Get your dad to pitch in as the call is waining. " these calls are too frequent for the DS, Darkle will call back on Saturday at 6pm, she is busy doing yoga on line at 7pm
Tell your mum to join the video it might be more dynamic for DGS

The proof if proof were needed is there for all to see

These calls are NOT about DS and contact with him, it’s a way to get at you @Darklesparkles, to keep you busy, to see what you’re doing, and to keep the pressure and control over you.

He (and his potentially unwitting mother) are continuing the abuse you ran from using your son as a tool to do so.

If I were you, that would be the last FaceTime session I’d allow, it’s not for the benefit of ds, neither the ex or the woman who clearly made him who he is are good people, they’re wasting your time for kicks and your ds is picking up on the toxicity of ex voice. If your ds is reacting to this at the age of 2, that’s a sign that it’s very bad and dangerous

You have one job. Protect your ds. Minimise contact, don’t encourage or go out of your way to facilitate anything between ds and his dad. His dad won’t bring anything positive to the table.

A period of distance may jolt your ex into behaving better... there’s a pathetically small chance, but it’s a chance.

You need to read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft!

Good luck! You can do this, you’re amazingly brave and strong in what you’ve achieved so far!

I think the OP has said she has been reading "Why does he do that?" and identified her ex as a possible water-torturer.

Darkles you
Keep on with it!

How are you this morning @Darklesparkles? Did you have any/many texts or emails from "He Who Must Be Obeyed"?
I think you're doing great and just take each day one at a time.

He reminds me of my eldests dad. When we split every contact ended up being an opportunity for him to talk to me. Never engaged with his DS at all so I stopped facilitating it. I felt sorry for his mum as he treated her badly too so I set up a weekly call with her and my DS( she lives miles away).

Your ex is reminding you why you have left him. You need to maintain very clear boundaries. I wouldn't wait for a text, I would have sent a clear message- the FaceTime
Contact is to allow you an opportunity to spend time with your DC, not me. If you continue to use it to try and engage me in discussions which detracts from you engaging with your DS then I will have no choice but to stop facilitating the calls.

You are amazing. It’s not easy to have to put so much mental effort into managing someone like this but keep going and it will get easier.

I think I would send one text to MIL that makes clear she’s invited to group calls with her son and your ds, her son will facilitate adding her in. Any problems, speak to your son. But I don’t know how? Your son will show you. But I want my own call! No, you can join the daily call with your son, DS is too little for more than this. But he doesn’t add me. Oh dear I think you should take that up with your son.

Then you can step away from any communication with her too. Until she understands that life has moved on you are entitled to keep your distance. And even in the future anything toxic anything about trying again with the relationship, hell, any personal questions about you and your life, close down that conversation and become unavailable to her.

I'm late to the thread here but bravo OP for last night's conversation. Handled like a pro. You can hear the desperation as he realises his usual techniques aren't working.

Great job!

Morning everyone.

I have just took phone off aeroplane mode. Nothing. Only that call from MIL and one message from ex with a just a "?" Which was also from last night, a few minutes after the call ended.

Am relieved but also now a bit nervous. Feel it will start today. I am going to send his a few pics of DS and am going to say.

"Hi, call with DS tonight at 7, if your mother would like to join."

But if I send above he may react.

The silence is weird and unnerving to be honest.

I sent him an email on solicitors advice yesterday re me keeping DS for duration of lockdown then reassessing - he hasn't acknowledged.

Sent him another reminder yesterday, both text and email about paying the contract - again he hasn't acknowledged. And I checked this morning, he hasn't paid and it's due (in my name) tomorrow.

If he kicks off with the why aren't you talking to me, you're my wife.

"No I don't it's kind of the purpose of me divorcing you. I don't have to converse with you anymore."

Is he paying maintenance?

I wouldn't contact him, just be ready for the call af 7pm. You're doing really well, silence is good.

I think you need to stop engaging with him about contact. Why are you planning a text about a call this eve? He should be contacting you about speaking to his DS. Wait for him to contact you about his plans for contacting his Ds and stop mentioning his mum. If he wants her to join in the call it's for him to sort out.

He’s not going to pay the contact because he’s punishing you for being disobedient. So stop emailing and texting him about it.

Cancel the contract today and pay it yourself.

Stop expecting him to acknowledge your emails . You have sent it, that’s the main thing .

Because you keep trying to get him to do things, it gives him a way of controlling you.

You seem to crave lots of attention from him.

Why are you sending him daily pics? Is this what your solicitor said?

Why are you suggesting a FT tonight, I thought you said you were moving it to every second day?

A Pp asked about child support - I’d like to know that too.

Also is he still living in the marital home while you live with your parents?

Never answer his questions. That puts him in the 'authority' position. Instead, ask him a question in reply.
"Why do you ask?"
"Do you need to know that?"
"Why?"

It will be hard, because he has had a lifetime of feeling like a superior person (basic misogyny, marital dynamics etc) and as such his main way of communication will be this demanding answers style.
Make him question whether he ever really knew you at all. Be strong, unbending, sure in yourself.

That's another thing, as i know a few people have asked.

I fully intend to divorce him, I haven't issue yet as he did persuaded me to go to joint counselling for a while (he refused to go by himself).

I was intending to go no-fault, to "try and keep the peace" but no, will be going fault. That's why I left. His behaviour (but it's me who has to work on my issues of course).

Also, read Lindy Bancroft again last night. The "drip-drip" style manipulation of the water-torturer resonates really strongly with me, that and he was very verbally abusive at times, but also the subtle underlying digs at well like "do you think x got promoted because he's smarter than you Darkle? Oh I'm only joking. But really, do you think it's because x is smarter?"

@wibblewobblejiggle

He last sent me maintenance about 2 weeks ago.

It's not an official thing yet.

Not too bothered by that at the minute as I am working in a good enough job.

My main concern is that he will try and take DS to punish me or spite me. He has already made PA threats about returning him. At the weekend he even went "when you come down here to your HOME DS, you'll be down in in your HOME for a LONG LONG time."

You should never go to joint counselling with an abuser. Most reputable counselling agencies will refuse to do this.

Please get child support sorted out now. It doesn’t matter if you have a good job, that’s not the point.

Did you say upthread that you have a custody order ?

What about the marital home ?

Sorry to ask so many questions, I’m trying to understand .

@I0NA

Sending daily pictures during lockdown as no other contact. Also again, probably conditioned to do this because he expect it. A combination of those reasons.

I suggested call again tonight for MIL to join call as she missed last night, but yes am intending to move these.

Maybe I should text and say call is thurs night at 7, your mother more than welcome to join and that means not tonight. Again. And just send pictures and video today.

I would just cancel it and when he kicks off just say you didn't pay the bill so they cut off the phone, it's not my responsibility to pay your phone bill.

But if that feels too difficult for you at the moment, given how awful he is, perhaps you could send him a text saying
The bill for your phone is due tomorrow. If you want me to just cancel the contract I will, but if you want to keep it, you need to pay £x into my account by tonight. If you don't pay I will take that to mean you want me to cancel it.

That way if he doesn't pay it you cancel it and you say it was his decision because you were very clear what his options were.

If he tries to argue it you could reply I am not willing or able to pay your mobile phone bill.

@i0na

I don't mind.

I have custody order in court at the moment but everything delayed because of coronavirus.

He is in marital home, I am staying with my parents.

He was sending money, but hasn't sent anything this week.