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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 01/04/2020 22:54

You’re amazing

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 22:54

Facebook? Face time.....

billy1966 · 01/04/2020 22:56

Well played OP.

You sound well able for them.👏👏

Talkingmouse · 01/04/2020 22:57

Op, you are doing really really well.

You owe him nothing. Don’t engage in any debate. You don’t have to explain. You don’t have to answer any of his questions. No is a sentence. No reply is even better.

Keep it brief. Keep it polite. Keep it on your terms.

Keep going!

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 23:16

@TorkTorkBam

Maybe you will have a line of thinking that goes "I'd better do X with MIL so they can't say Y" or maybe "I bet she wants to see DS and exH is making it difficult so maybe I should Z"

That's exactly what I do and did immediately start thinking as soon as i got off the call.

I need to learn that their opinion should not influence me anymore.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 01/04/2020 23:16

OP you were brilliant! I suspect that was really difficult for you, but you played an absolute blinder & should be very proud of yourself. You know you can do it, so just keep going- don’t let the b*stard get to you.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 23:19

@TorkTorkBam

I 100% promise you I will do this. Even thought of doing this tomorrow had made me feel better already

Dreading looking at text messages tomorrow
Pour a glass of wine. Stand in the middle of a room. Do a few power poses (google it). Then read each message aloud in a comedy voice. Perhaps with the aid of a stuffed toy or two to be him/you/MIL/DS in whatever scenario he's going on about. Be massively stupidly over the top. Think about what would be most hilarious?/. Squeaky voice? Ranting Hitler Downfall style? Ru Paul hissy fit? Kevin the Teenager? Then do it. When you can piss yourself laughing at his sad stupid wannabe dominator messages then a weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 23:23

Thanks @Michelleoftheresistance

I do need to consider frequency of contact more. I do have a custody order going in at the moment as he has made PA threats in relation to keeping/not returning him.

At moment he is down EOW (outside of current circumstances we're in).

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 01/04/2020 23:24

Really impressed with your transcript of the conversation. Well done :)

Mamawingingit1234 · 01/04/2020 23:30

You did amazing! He sounds very controlling definitely scale back contact.
I would also be tempted to send that text to ex MIL but that would be it in terms of contact with her.

Original poster
Darklesparkles · 01/04/2020 23:31

Can I just say thanks again to everyone who has given advice and suggestions so far.

I know I am only replying to a few people here and there, but really do appreciate everyone chipping in.

Your support has honestly made such a huge difference. The earlier text messages and phone conversation I had were/are a million miles away from the apologetic, pleasing/appeasing way I normally phrase things to him, and all you guys have given me he support and courage to do that.

Thanks again to you all x

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 01/04/2020 23:41

Fanbloodytastic op! For what it’s worth I’d text your mil. There’s no good reason he doesn’t want her on the call.
Keep up the good work! ‘These skypes are to speak to ds. If you don’t actually want to see your son we won’t have them.’

Fespital · 01/04/2020 23:55

Genuinely excellent handling of the conversation Darkles.

Yes this will get harder before it gets easier because every time you dig your heels in he'll dig his in too. BUT.

The way you bossed that conversation gave him absolutely nothing to grip on to. All his pleadings slipped off and couldn't get a hook into an emotional attack. Perhaps use that as a visual metaphor when speaking to him. Brush off his spikes. Don't let him get his claws into you again.

You're doing brilliantly.

I believe in you.

Gamble66 · 01/04/2020 23:56

Considering it - I would actually contact mil as it looks like ex doesn't want her in on calls 😂

Slipslide2020 · 01/04/2020 23:58

OP so much of this rings true with me and I’m 6 years out of the relationship - dreading confronting ex about something at the moment and know the good cop bad cop routine so well, just know when he’s being ‘nice’ there is another reason for it. 😫

saraclara · 02/04/2020 00:01

If you got the impression that MIL really didn't know about the plan, maybe consider that he's being controlling of her too. So I'd definitely keep the channels open with her via text, as you're planning. Yep, she's a bit of a pain, but DS is her grandkid, and your ex let her down today. So hearing from you that it's a shame she missed it and making it clear she's welcome to join tomorrow at the same time, will help to avoid unnecessary ill feeling, and she might actually realise this was HIS fault.

It's pretty hard for the other grandparent if their grandkid lives with one set of GPs.

justilou1 · 02/04/2020 00:02

Just caught up! Well done!!! I like the idea of texting MIL and letting her know that ex said she was too busy to join in group Skype call, but hope she can at 7 tomorrow. Let her know that he is facilitating her contact, not you.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 02/04/2020 00:04

Brilliant!

Keep this up. He needs to know that you will only speak about access with him (not his bloody mum) and if he ventured into talk about your relationship the call will be terminated.

Maybe a text to him telling him enough is enough re your relationship is in order. No chance of a reconciliation and if he keeps harassing you, you will follow it up with an injunction.

You could actually tell him that the only way you want to speak is via a weekly email, but you will send him videos/pics of your child during lockdown.

forrestgreen · 02/04/2020 00:12

I think you did a great job. Next time introduce daddy and then start noisily cooking/cleaning kitchen.
If you can't hear him (or can pretend not to) then his interactions with you are pointless. Don't be in shot and bang things around. When ds cries etc pop over and say right say night to daddy it's bedtime now. And click that button!

You're not married to him. You need to sort finances and child arrangements and that's what you've got a solicitor for.

He wants his mum to have contact, add her each time. Might be easier for you.

JuneJuly · 02/04/2020 00:37

He's probably told his mother that DS misses him so much that he's in tears every night when he sees him on Facetime & never wants to say goodbye, or some such baloney.

He won't want her seeing the truth of the matter if that's the case.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2020 00:39

I came to see how the 7 o'clock call went. Just three words from me... You did fantastic

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Dhalandchips · 02/04/2020 00:40

Grey rock is so empowering, you'll get stronger every day Flowers

justilou1 · 02/04/2020 00:51

Killed it, OP!!! I think a text to MIL letting her know that you were sorry to hear from ex that she was too busy for tonight’s scheduled group Skype, but there is another at x. He is facilitating them, and if she has any trouble working it, she is to ask him how to log in.

browzingss · 02/04/2020 01:00

This is so creepy.

Are you divorcing? I would make it absolutely clear that you have no intention of resuming a relationship with him, and he needs to stop calling you his “wife” now that you have separated. So no, you don’t need to speak to him about anything else other than your son. And frankly you should cancel the contact that he’s paying for in your name NOW. He can either put it in his own name or make a separate account himself, he’ll have 30 days to sort it.

Sorry but daily video calls with a 2 year old is so unnecessary. As you say, your child loses interest and it’s not as if they can really speak with the other party independently/by themselves over FaceTime, you always need to be in the background joining in/speaking to get his attention etc. This puts you in such a difficult position whilst you’re separated and trying to distance yourself from someone you say has abused you.

As you have realised tonight, he isn’t using the video chats to maintain contact with his son. He’s using them to keep an eye on you, what you look like, where you are, if another man is nearby etc. They’re both using this as an opportunity to force you to carry on with the relationship with their awkward questions etc. In the future you should keep the calls brief, and avoid video. If video do not show your face, keep the camera on your son and preferably have the background as plain and mundane as possible

CallmeAngelina · 02/04/2020 08:21

Yes, that "you're my wife" but grated on me too.
Not any more, pal!