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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Ex demanding I facetime his MIL with DS during lockdown

824 replies

Darklesparkles · 31/03/2020 11:35

I suspect that I may be overreacting here and am in fact being unreasonable but my separated ex (emotionally abusive) husband is demanding that I facetime his mother with 2yr old DS today. I said yesterday I would consider doing it and he has just texted saying "Hi Darklesparkles, you said you would do a facetime with my mother and DS yesterday, can you do it today please". Maybe because I sense he is using it to try and be controlling. (Maybe I am being oversenstive?)

The reason that I don't want to do this is I know that MIL will nearly 100% use the phone call as a means to start pleading for us to get back together and asking will I come back. She knows about the abuse, but thinks it is nothing, and that we should get back together for the sake of our child. She has been sending me multiple messages about how she thought we would be strong together especially during this time of coronavirus, and that she is praying we will get back together and that I should go back and stay in isolation away from my parents to work on the marriage(!).

However, I do understand that with the lockdown, that they have not seen their grandchild for 3 weeks (have explained this in other threads) but I have sent pictures and also I know that stbexh will have sent all these on, including videos etc. Am facetiming him every night.

Am i being extremely selfish? Yes?

OP posts:
ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 01/04/2020 20:57

You absolute LEGEND op. That was perfect. I would text mil as suggested. If she does want to see ds then surely she will jump at the chance to be included? I think id go every other day or whatever you're comfortable with for face timing. No need for it to be every day, he's clearly not interested in engaging with his son. You are BRILLIANT. You are brave and do you know what, the more you tackle him head on and assert yourself, the more your anxiety will recede as you will realise that you really have nothing to worry about. He's all about controlling you.

YouTheCat · 01/04/2020 21:10

I would send the text to your mil. It means he can't say you're denying her contact as there's clearly no guarantee that he will tell her she is invited to the call. It stops him from painting you as the bad guy over this.

He doesn't really seem interested in speaking to his ds does he? Maybe text him and lay it down that the calls are so he can talk to his son and if he needs to speak to you he can email or go through your solicitor.

Windyatthebeach · 01/04/2020 21:14

It is not your job to facilitate any contact...

End of.

PanamaPattie · 01/04/2020 21:18

Well done OP. Twice a week FaceTime is enough when DS is so young. Change the day and time to suit your needs.

BumbleBeee69 · 01/04/2020 21:18

brilliant OP.. Flowers

BMW6 · 01/04/2020 21:19

But Darkle, what are you saying here? What's happening? Are you saying we can't talk now unless it's about DS?

"Yes. That's right. I have no intention in having any conversation with you unless its about DS." (or via our solicitors in the divorce proceedings obviously)

JosieJosie1 · 01/04/2020 21:24

OP I have just read your full thread. You are getting some great advice and doing brilliantly. Now is the perfect time to free yourself from him as you don’t have to see him in person for pick up or drop off and you cannot let him in if he shows up under government order if this is something you would find difficult to do. Use this time to work on your boundaries. I think you will find your anxiety reduces right down once he realises he can no longer control you. Then after lockdown you will be able to keep up the strong boundaries you’ve put in place.

Keep using this thread for support and keep it all about DS. Don’t rise no matter what he says to you. There is nothing to discuss bar DS.

Keep up the good work.

Ragglesnaggle · 01/04/2020 21:24

You champion!

RealLifeHotWaterBottle · 01/04/2020 21:25

Could you make a note to keep a diary for these calls and the things discussed too? It would be an idea to have a record of dates/times that align to your phone or WhatsApp records and evidence that you were doing it for the benefit of DS

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 01/04/2020 21:25

Well done!
Bet if we had told you all this yesterday you wouldn’t have believed us.
Well done again x.

Dontjumptoconclusions · 01/04/2020 21:27

OP you were FANTASTIC!
Keep it up. It gets easier to stand your ground but it's also hard effort to do so everyday.

Speak on your terms.

Keep it about your DS. Honestly, I'm sure there's nothing so important that he needs to "talk about"

You can even be busy when he calls, or be working or go to the toilet. He can be stuck with DS ignoring him.

As you have done, keep the conversation on DS. You can even say very explicitly that most ex's dont just keep in touch. The reason they are in contact is bc of the child, so yes that is all we need to talk about.

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2020 21:43

Text ex mil as you suggest. Tell her ex can join her to the video call. Can you record the calls-fabulous evidence of him ignoring your ds and only wanting to harass you. I’d be moving to once every 3 days and asking your dm to facilitate the call as a pp suggested, then he can’t annoy you.

You’re amazing, darkle, this will get easier, I promise.

Mulhollandmagoo · 01/04/2020 21:45

Ahhh, I've been following this all day to see how you got on, and I'm not sure I've ever been as proud of someone I don't know 😂 well done OP!! Enjoy the wine Wine

I0NA · 01/04/2020 21:52

My goodness you did well OP! 🎖🏅

soannya · 01/04/2020 21:58

No court would order that you have to facilitate every day contact. You don’t have to do that! Tell him he gets an hour on a weds eve and an hour on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon. Then youre done. You shouldn’t be taking up every evening with this nonsense. You are allowed to have a life! Start scaling it back.

cstaff · 01/04/2020 22:04

You played a blinder tonight OP. It couldn't have been written better on here by our many experts.

Keep it up Flowers and Wine.

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 22:07

Do not text MIL. If she wants to see her DGS she can ask exH about it. You have told him she can join the 7pm calls. Easy. Why on earth would you need to be involved in that interaction? If he does not want her on the calls, well, that's his right, she's his mother not yours. If she wants to be on the calls that's down to her to negotiate with him not you. Go nowhere near it.

Maybe you will have a line of thinking that goes "I'd better do X with MIL so they can't say Y" or maybe "I bet she wants to see DS and exH is making it difficult so maybe I should Z" Whwn this happens: STOP! DO NOTHING. They will talk shit about no matter what, trying to reduce it just draws you into the net. He can very very easily organise it with his mum, if he doesn't that's actually none of your business. Tbh she does not sound like a great person to have in DS's life. If even her own son won't include her then you definitely should not.

You did very well tonight.

Buggedandconfused · 01/04/2020 22:07

I knew you could do it OP, that’s brilliant!

TorkTorkBam · 01/04/2020 22:15

Am awaiting nuclear fallout now.
Nuclear fallout causes real damage. A jumped up little twat of a man squealing into the ether does nothing. What can he actually do to you?

Dreading looking at text messages tomorrow
Pour a glass of wine. Stand in the middle of a room. Do a few power poses (google it). Then read each message aloud in a comedy voice. Perhaps with the aid of a stuffed toy or two to be him/you/MIL/DS in whatever scenario he's going on about. Be massively stupidly over the top. Think about what would be most hilarious?/. Squeaky voice? Ranting Hitler Downfall style? Ru Paul hissy fit? Kevin the Teenager? Then do it. When you can piss yourself laughing at his sad stupid wannabe dominator messages then a weight will be lifted from your shoulders.

Cherrysoup · 01/04/2020 22:27

@Torktorkbam

You talk a lot of sense! I think that would help the OP become even stronger with her responses. She knows he can’t physically harm her, he’s nowhere near her, but I know how hard it is to be strong when talking to someone. This would be good practise for her.

cstaff · 01/04/2020 22:30

@TorkTorkBam
I love your idea about putting on stupid voices. It sounds crazy but makes complete sense.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2020 22:32

You did really, really well. Keep it up. He’ll learn eventually!

If he keeps trying to talk to you say, very bluntly, this phone call is for you to talk to your son, not talk to me. Read him a story, talk to him, get your mum on the call. Otherwise there’s no point in continuing. If he says he doesn’t know how to add his mum in tell him he will be able to find out how through YouTube or Google.

AngelaScandal · 01/04/2020 22:44
Saddler · 01/04/2020 22:48

Well done OP

Michelleoftheresistance · 01/04/2020 22:49

What contact do you see ds having long term with his dad? Would ds be fine to go to his dad for overnights? Will depend on lots of things. Sometimes if children are so very young and if the nrp hasn't been used to doing lots of sole care, courts can suggest little and often contact rather than going straight to large blocks of time like EO whole weekend and a midweek visit. It's worth keeping in mind that courts like to keep children in the same routines they are already in, and that habits and expectations can later be inconvenient to break, so it's worth taking some time and thinking in advance about what will work best, ie not establishing an expectation that large blocks of time at every weekend will be ex's. Or that there will be every day facebook conversations.

It's getting your life not revolving around ex and contact, while making some plans towards what you think good contact might look like once lockdown is over.